Great Eastern: Holiday in Cancan (Unproduced Script)
SFX: PLANE SWOOSHING
Toronto ... crossroads of ... well, crossroads
of Southern Ontario, I guess.
It is here at the Last Second Club I linger,
hand luggage as my seat, waiting for the
perfect ...
LSC: Curaçao, one seat for the sunny ...
VOICES: Me ! Here ! I do !
SFX: SCRAMBLE
LSC: And two for St. Fritz, sunny ...
VOICES: Me ! Here ! I do !
SFX: SCRAMBLE
LSC: U.S. Virgin Islands ...
PAUL: Absolutely not, cannot have extradition
treaty with the United States.
VOICES: Me ! Here ! I do !
SFX: SCRAMBLE
PAUL: Damn. It’s demeaning, waiting like a
coupon cutter outside a department store,
hoping against hope that the destination
paradise of your ...
LSC: Mo’ Bay, the sunny island of Jamaica ...
VOICE: Me ! Here ! I do !
SFX: SCRAMBLE
PAUL: Lucky bugger ... I’ve been here at Toronto’s
Lester Eliot Diefenbaker airport three days
now, living on terminal food and coffee ...
SFX: PAUL CONTINUES TALKING OVER
THIS MESSAGE
LSC: Cancan, sunny coastal retreat, steerage
passage to the seaside Caribbean resort of
Cancan, all mod cons, all inclusive ...
PAUL: ... one ply toilet paper .. did he say Cancun ?
Oh Mexico ... excellent !
Here ! Me ! I do ! I’ll take one !
LSC: Lucky boy. That’s three ninety-five, cash.
PAUL: Yes !
LSC: Non-refundable ...
PAUL: Who’s refunding time on Cancun ...
LSC: Ten days at the Dilly Cracker Palace, free
beach pass for the Guava Hut, your flight
leaves in one hour, from Mirabel.
PAUL: Right. Dilly Cracker, Guava Hut, great, one
hour, Mirabel ... Mirabel ? That’s in
Montreal, isn’t it ?
LSC: You just got time to catch the shuttle.
(HAWKS) Canada Duplex shuttle tickets to
Mirabel, only $45 !
PAUL: Stop that plane !
DOUG: THAT BCN THANG
CLIPS
WACKA-WACKA
PAUL: Goth-ahn Die-inn, Iceland, aloha, Canada !
Slob on the sunscreen, it’s time for the
white hot heat of The Great Eastern !
Today: holidays, travel, visas, local
dialects, foreign manners, quaint dietary
habits, primitive superstitions, and how each
and every one can land you in big trouble.
All this for you, with me, on Nfld’s cultural
magazine !
THEME OUT
PAUL: Ah, those magic words, “Paul, I think you
need a holiday.”
Whispered into my ear recently by director
of radio, Ish Lundrigan, that bidding
relieved me of a great deal of ... seasonal
stress.
And who amongst us hasn’t wanted to
become a snowbird at this time of year ?
Get a little sun, get a little tan, get a cool
breeze wafting across your ... across the
serene Caribbean ?
And it conveniently offered the opportunity
for another special Great Eastern Special.
This, then, is my audio diary of What I Did
On My Winter Vacation.
PROMO / MUSIC / SOMETHING /
SEGUE TO SOUND OF PAUL ON
AIRCRAFT
VOICE: ( CONTINUES UNDER PAUL ) ... Put the
hasp in the buckle. To release the seat belt,
pull out on the buckle. At this time, we
remind all passengers that operation of any
electronic devices such as cellphones, video
games or tape recorders interferes with
navigational instruments on take-off and
landing, and therefor is not only dangerous,
but illegal.
PAUL: Woof, woof, test. Every day, hundreds of
people board what is considered the safest
mode of transportation, airplanes.
ALAN: Hey, what are you doing there ?
PAUL: Ahh ... nothing, I’m not doing anything.
ALAN: I recognize you ... there’s something really
familiar ...
PAUL: I don’t think that’s possible.
PILOT VOICE: (ON PAUL’S TAPE) Canada Duplex 211
to Mirabel on runway 7B, requesting
permission to take off.
ALAN: I know ! You’re that guy ...
PAUL: Hmmm ?
ALAN: The guy with the goofy radio show on CBC
...
TOWER VOICE: (ON PAUL’S TAPE) Canada Duplex 211,
you are cleared for take-off.
PAUL: I’m afraid ...
ALAN: Yeah, yeah, you’re Paul ... somebody or
other, aren’t you ?
PAUL: I’m an international arms dealer ...( soto
voce) now stop hounding me !
They are holiday-goers, commuters,
business people, families, drug-runners ...
ALAN: The Great Eastern ! Yeah, that’s it. Man, I
love that show.
PILOT VOICE: (ON PAUL’S TAPE) We have a problem,
Toronto control, this is Canada Duplex 211
...
PAUL: No, that’s not me.
ALAN: Sure, you’re Paul Moss.
PAUL: Moth. No, I’m not, I’m a different Paul
Moth.
ALAN: Yeah, what’s an arms dealer doing talking
into a microphone ...
SFX: RUSTLE
PAUL: No, I’m ... hey, watch it, bub !
TOWER VOICE: (ON PAUL’S TAPE) Canada Duplex, abort
take-off ...
STEWARDESS: Excuse me, sir, but you’re equipment is
hindering the operation of the airplane.
ALAN: Hello, Canada, all of me for you ...
PILOT VOICE: (ON PAUL’S TAPE) Toronto control,
some jerk on board is using a cell phone or
something ...
PAUL: What’s going on !
STEWARDESS: Give me that !
PILOT VOICE: My instruments aren’t reading ...
ALAN: Hey, this is exciting !
PAUL: What are you doing ?
STEWARDESS: You’re operating a device in contravention
of federal aviation ...
TOWER VOICE: Return to gate 52, Canada Duplex 211.
PAUL: What the ... !
SFX: STRUGGLE. TAPE CUTS OFF.
SILENCE. TAPE COMES BACK ON.
THERE IS A CARNIVAL ATMOSPHERE,
PERHAPS SHEEP BAAING
PAUL: Oh, man, it’s a blast furnace out here.
That 18 hour connecting flight really cut
into my vacation time. Mirabel, Moncton,
Charlottetown, St. Pierre, Havana, Nagila,
Montenegro Bay, St. Fritz and Arriba.
Test, test ... well, unless they do invasive
surgery, no one is going to get this tape.
Oh, man, it’s a blast furnace on the runway.
Here I am, fresh off the plane, in Cancun,
mecca of sunworshippers, all of whom, by
the sounds of it, are here at the airport,
whooping it up upon arrival and departure.
Party down !
Uh-oh. Man, no matter how many times I
do it, no matter how little I have to hide, this
customs thing always makes me nervous.
(SOTO VOCE) Not to mention the hidden
microphone ...
CUSTOMS: Pass through ... go on ... pass ... go on ... go
on ... hey you !
PAUL: Hmmm ? Me ?
CUSTOMS: Yes, you, the big sweaty fellah. Come here.
PAUL: There ?
CUSTOMS: Yes, you my friend, your passport, please ?
PAUL: Here you are ...
CUSTOMS: (EXAMINES PAPERS) ... alright ... Mr.
Moth ... and your visa ?
PAUL: Visa ? Canadians don’t need a visa to get
in to Mexico.
CUSTOMS: Mexico ?
PAUL: Yes. Cancun was in Mexico the last time I
checked.
CUSTOMS: (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER. SHOUTS
OFF TO HIS MATES) Roddy ! Holger, ...
de ich hier de tourista neuro brouillés live
one !
This is not Cancun, my friend ... this is
Cancan ! Ha-ha-ha-ha !
ALL: LAUGH
PAUL: Cancan ?
CUSTOMS: You are in the capital of the Islas das
Berhamas. But no visa, I’m afraid you’ll
have to take the next flight back to Kanada.
PAUL: Oh, dammit, man, I was so looking forward
to this holiday. Gah. Where do I get the ...
CUSTOMS: (WHISPERS) No, no, my friend, this is
your cue to bribe me.
PAUL: Oh ... oh ! I get it ...(RUSTLES THROUGH
WALLET) I can speak the international
language of the Canuck dollar ... let me
introduce you to a crisp blue Wilfred
Laurier.
SFX: SNAP OF BILL
CUSTOMS: I need a Maglite and a pair of rubber gloves
over here !
PAUL: Mackenzie King ! Mackenzie King !
CUSTOMS: Ah, the comic colours of Canadian
currency. That is better, Mr. Moth. And
Mr. Moth ...
PAUL: Yes ?
CUSTOMS: Keep your nose clean.
PAUL: Thank you, I will.
CUSTOMS: (WHISPERS) No, you have a booger on
your nose. Here.
PAUL: Oh ... (SNIFFS/BLOWS NOSE) Thanks.
JUAN: Sir, sir, taxi, sir ?
PAUL: Si, compadre, por favor.
JUAN: (IN SPANISH, STEVE) Ah, señor si habla
Español, bueno. Welcome to Cancan.
PAUL: Yeah, I thought I was coming to Cancun.
JUAN: No, senor, Cancun is in Mexico.
PAUL: I know that !
JUAN: This is Cancan, part of the chain of the Islas
das Berhamas. But you will enjoy yourself
immensely here, or my name isn’t Comrade
Juan Jose Samuel Rodriguez Santana.
PAUL: (IN FAULTLESS SPANISH, NOTE
ABOVE, SPP) Ah, my good man, take me
to the ... what was the name of that place ...
the Dilly Cracker Palace !
JUAN: Madre de dios, excrement of a diseased
donkey, rotten flesh and bleeding boils,
surely you cannot mean that, senor ?
PAUL: Drive on, good Juan, spare not the horses
nor the ... well, just get a move on.
SFX: THE CAB RIDE
Whisking through the streets of old Cancan,
peanut vendors and arms dealers leaping out
of the path of this `57 Chevy, I take in my
first glimpse of tropical North America in
many years. Ah, the days of stuffing surplus
WWII bombers full of high grade late night
coffee, and great bricks of the bluest ...
bananas.
JUAN: Ah, senor, you have been to the Berhamas
before.
PAUL: No, no, first trip. Tell me a little about
Cancan, Juan.
JUAN: We are part of the Berhama chain. It’s a
wonderful spot for your mid-winter ...
leisure.
PAUL: What goes on here.
JUAN: We are noted for our ... international trade.
PAUL: How so ?
JUAN: A wonderful legacy of eighty, mighty years
of strip mining, monoculture, and gangland
investment have made the Berhamas a
wealthy place, home to philanthropists, and
more millionaires per capita than any other
island chain in the area. The island is in the
grip of godless capitalists.
Not to mention you are here at the time of
the Turmoil.
PAUL: Oh, great.
JUAN: No, no, my friend, you do not understand.
The Turmoil is a sporting event.
PAUL: That’s what they said about the Nfld Stock
Exchange.
SFX: FADE OUT ON CAB RIDE
PROMO - CONTEST - SOMETHING.
WAVES LAPPING SANDY BEACH,
DISTANT BAD REGGAE, LAUGHTER,
ETC.
PAUL: (blowing into mic) Testing, testing, one two
three … checked in to my electric-fan
equipped Dilly Cracker room with the
leaking cold-water shower, heading now for
the famous blue sands of the Islas das
Berhamas, specifically the celebrated Buff
Beach on Ball Bay… the heat is stifling, I
thought for a moment there that it had
melted the plastic housing of my mic jack,
but all seems up to BCN spec …. Wow,
Cocopuff palms sway in the gentle sea
breeze … and there the singles gambol in
the surf, they … they … are naked … fully
nude … every inch of skin offered to the
Sun God … except for that portion of the
flesh hidden within creases and folds, or
shaded by pendul … note to myself cut this
last bit … so a nude beach, how naïve of
this colonial broadcaster, “Buff Beach …”
it’s so obvious …. And here I am, lower
latitudes beneath the tent of my
Newfoundland tartan trunks … The Guava
Hut ?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Hey Maaaaan, what can I do you for?
Tequila Slurpee ? Pineapple Rum Surprise
?
PAUL: Just a fruit juice, please …
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Guava ? Mango ? Firefruit ?
PAUL: Firefruit ? Never heard of …
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Specialty of the Island, Man … Dey call it
by other names other places … Chili
Orange, Pepper Peach, looks like spiny
Plum.
PAUL: Firefruit it is, then.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: You new to the beach, maan ?
PAUL: Yes. A question ….?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Raymond-Pierre.
PAUL: A question, Raymond-Pierre, about nude
beach etiquette. What if one becomes …
tumescent ?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Nobody on Buff Beach gonna sweat a chub,
man.
PAUL: What about full … arousal?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Common sense, maan. My Mamma always
say it is rude to point. Here’s your Firefruit
Juice.
PAUL: (DRINKS - GASPS - GAGS - COUGHS -
SPITS) That’s fantastic. So, where does
the nude beach begin, between here and the
road, I mean ...
RAYMOND-PIERRE: As you can see, Raymond-Pierre is natural.
PAUL: Oh, yeah, I see.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: The Guava Hut is unoffically the beginning
of the ends, we say.
PAUL: Well, here goes.
SFX: LONG TIME TO GET TRUNKS OFF
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Whoa, maaan ... you on a special high
protein diet or sumtin ?
PAUL: Hmmm ?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Where you from, maan ?
PAUL: Newfoundland.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Ahhh, the Big Island, that explains every
thing. I don’t know what it is about you
Newfoundlanders. You going to require a
good pint of sun screen.
PAUL: Do you sell ... ?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Every need, maan, every need. Dis is a light
one, a sun stain more than a screen.
PAUL: More protection. Dutch genes, you know.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: No kidding. Dis one is SPF 75, complete
UVA, UVB and UVC blockage, with
Titanium Dioxide, PABA, aloe vera, canola
... the whole shot, guaranteed to keep you
white, maan. Comes in a latex in a choice
of egg shell or semi-gloss.
PAUL: Sold ... ah, uh, I don’t have my wallet any
more.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: That is no problem, sah, Raymond-Pierre
keep a tab on you, Mr. ... ?
PAUL: Moth, Paul Moth.
ALAN: (IN DISTANCE) Hey, Paul !
PAUL: Uh-oh.
ALAN: Hey, Paul ...
RAYMOND-PIERRE: You know that maan, Mr. Moth ?
ALAN: You found the nudie beach, hey ? Wow
wow wow wow wow wow wow !
PAUL: No, met him on the plane.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Not built like a Newfoundlander.
PAUL: (SHOUTS) Stop hounding me ! Raymond-
Pierre, I’m going to deke down the beach
here, keep an eye on the trunks, will you ?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Don’t worry ‘bout a t’ing on Buff Beach,
b’y, Mr. Paul Moth. And remember, it’s
rude to point !
PAUL: (WALKING) Man, this sand is so hot on
the feet ! How can people lie on it like ...
oh, my ... beach volleyball ... mmmm ...
gotta keep movin’ ... well, I have to say it,
these are the beautiful people. One young
woman massaging suntan lotion into the ...
flesh of another young maiden ... there goes
a clatch of female joggers ... wohhh ... and a
touching scene in the shade of the cocopuff
palms, two young girls in love ... or is that
three ? Oh my, I got to get into the water ...
SFX: SPLASHING ...
Oh, that’s nice, so hot ... so hot ...
SFX: FADE ON SWIMMING NOISES
MUSIC ?? COMMUNITY
ANNOUNCEMENTS ?? CONTEST ??
SFX: THE BEACH, TV ON IN BG, SMALL
CROWD DRINKING AND TALKING
PAUL: Oh, man, it’s another stinker in Cancan
today.
PIK: (OFF) Sssh ...
PAUL: It’s so hot you could fry an egg here on Buff
Beach. (SLURPS HIS DRINK DRY)
Mmmm, that’s good.
PIK: (OFF) Sssh ! Raymond-Pierre, please !
PAUL: I’m evaporating. (SHOUTS) Raymond-
Pierre ! Another Mellow Mango (Firefruit
?) Slurpee Surpize.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: (WHISPERS) Mr. Moth, you are causing a
disturbance.
PAUL: Hmmm ?
PIK: (OFF) Shut up down there, will ya ?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: (WHISPERS LOWER) People are trying to
watch the game.
PAUL: (WHISPERS) What game ?
RAYMOND-PIERRE: It is the very last moments of the Turmoil.
But that man up there is a huge fan of the
game and you are making it difficult for him
to hear ...
PIK: Oy ! Give it a rest or I’ll come over and sort
you out !
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Here’s your Mellow Mango (Firefruit ?)
Slurpee Surpize.
PAUL: Thanks, Raymond-Pierre. (SLURPS, THEN
SHOUTS) Say, friend, come on over and
let me offer you a dri(nk) ... (GRABBED
BY THE THROAT)
PIK: (NOW UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL) No,
‘friend’, let me offer you some advice. Shut
yer bloody cakehole.
PAUL: Whoa, put me down ! (CLATTER OF
FURNITURE, DEEP BREATH) Ooph.
Raymond-Pierre, anything the gentleman
wants. (COUGHS)
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Snack break, Pik, it’s the snack break.
PIK: Time for a breather.
PAUL: What’s so important about this game,
anyway ?
PIK: This is the Turmoil, the championship game
in the national sport of Cancan, Dutch
Ruggit.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Pik, your Firefruit Briarnog. Mr. Moth, this
is Pik Pogue.
PAUL: How do you do, Paul Moth.
PIK: Pleased to meet you.
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Pik is an official flagman in many of the
island’s contests. He is an expert in the
game.
PIK: An expert and an ex-practitioner.
PAUL: Age ?
PIK: Injury. Dutch Ruggit is an exacting game.
PAUL: From what little I’ve seen, it certainly has
great pace, awesome scope ... and the
attention to detail !
PIK: Aye, and yet it has broad appeal.
PAUL: It would seem to, but then why isn’t the
game played anywhere else ? (SLURPS)
PIK: Perhaps because each match lasts the full
cycle of the moon.
PAUL: Oh.
PIK: The night play is quite ... theoretical in its
fascination.
PAUL: Pik, why Dutch Ruggit ?
PIK: The history of our island chain is one of
continuous subjugation and colonialisation
by many of the world’s sea-faring nations.
PAUL: I can identify with that.
PIK: All these peoples left something to our
heritage. It is not entirely a sad tale, Paul.
Ruggit, though attributed to the Dutch, has
had influences from all the other
nationalities. Where it was once the pastime
of the elites, with the devolution of strict
feudalism, Ruggit today enjoys the support
of people from all walks of life on Cancan.
They play or cheer for one of the seventeen
island teams.
PAUL: (SLURPS) So you’re a flagman, what do
you do in the game ?
PIK: I am one of 15 officials on the “Rork”, the
field of play as you would call it. There are
five Holding Strings, four Checker Spots,
three Dutch Men, two Myrtle Gloves and ...
PAUL: And a partridge in a pear tree ?
PIK: No, a Chief Referee. We are responsible for
keeping the score and ensuring that the rules
are followed. Very simple.
PAUL: The game seems to have so many rules.
PIK: And as many interpretations of those rules
as there are players.
PAUL: How big is the ... Rork ?
PIK: The Rork must be at least 320 square metric
fathoms ...
PAUL: That’s immense ! Pik, a metric fathom is
about, what, this long?
PIK: Yeah, that looks about right. The field is
almost 12 square growls.
PAUL: There are two teams ?
PIK: Two “Splats”, comprised of at least 48
players, 37 men and 11 women, and no
more than 62. Two members of each Splat
defend three “Mires”, goal yard areas.
PAUL: Did I see a water hazard ?
PIK: The Rork is usually crossed by a river or
two, known as “The Dinkums.”
PAUL: Anything else to look out for ?
PIK: “The Fens”, but they’re more strategic than
tactical.
PAUL: (SLURPS) But like many other team
games, the object is to put the ball in the
other team’s, um, Mire?
PIK: Yeeeeessss .... but that’s too simplistic. We
don’t really have a ball, for one thing ...
PAUL: What do you play with ?
PIK: It’s called “The Bulb.”
RAYMOND-PIERRE: Snack break’s over, lads.
PIK: Just watch the television, mate, you’ll
understand much more after seeing the
game played.
Turn it up a little, Raymond-Pierre.
Oh man, this is it. I’ve been excited now for
weeks and I don’t want to miss the end.
This is the year for the Perturbos, I can just
feel it!
RAYMOND-PIERRE: It’s going to be the Pole Smokers, maan.
Ten new guineas on the Pole Smokers.
SFX: CROWD ROARING AND WIND
HOWLING. THE SOUNDS OF THE
GAME MAY INCLUDE: SHEEP;
HORSES (THOUGH WE DON’T WANT
TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION OF POLO);
ANIMALS OF ALL SORTS;
DIDJERIDOOS; POSTHORNS;
GUNSHOTS PERHAPS.
KIM: Welcome back from the Snack Break, I’m
Kim Sri Singh.
GRAHAM: And I’m Graham Helder.
KIM: With the thunder squall dying away, it looks
like we’ll see the end of Turmoil under
sunny skies, Graham.
GRAHAM: What a fitting end to a majestic competition,
Kim.
KIM: And it’s still anybody’s game. The score as
we approach full time here on day twenty-
nine is the Merlin Pole Smokers, in their
first-ever championship, 4 A-minor Sub
Stroke Parabola, leading the Cancan
Perturbos, here for the twelfth straight year -
Eleventeen Purple in G, with only Two
Thumbs left.
GRAHAM: There’s a major commotion coming from
The Fens, Kim, so that score might be
changing as we speak.
KIM: Yes, the Fens Flagman is racing onto the
Rork now and indicating that Perturbos
have scored a Bag, but that the Pole
Smokers are Squeezing the Bulb.
GRAHAM: I can’t believe it, Kim. After all this time,
someone still has the stamina to Squeeze the
Bulb. Both these Splats have played their
hearts out, it’s just a pity that one of them
has to lose.
KIM: The Turbos are preparing to Lance a
Wiggly, and here it comes .... there’s a slight
side-arm motion from the Smokers Delivery
Man, that’s their Captain, Baynes Frokker
Minor ... and the Bulb Wobbles to the Mire
where Peet Suzy, the famous Cancan Stroke,
rises for a Full-Frontal Gaffe and ... oh !
GRAHAM: Oh !
KIM: My word, Graham, I’ve never seen anything
like that.
GRAHAM: A truly amazing Gaffe.
PIK: (IN BAR) Measure the gaffe, Raymond-
Pierre ! Measure the gaffe !
RAYMOND-PIERRE: (IN BAR) I’ll see you in the Dinkums after
dark, maan.
KIM: This match has had more than its share of
defining moments.
GRAHAM: And that’s a new one for the textbook, Kim.
KIM: The sun is rising to its zenith, there can’t be
much time left, and with Suzy’s gallant
Full-Frontal Gaffe scoring three Sharps for
the Turbos, it’ll take at least a Quartet ...
GRAHAM: Or a Muddy Cadenza ...
KIM: By the Smokers to tie this match and send it
in to a Sudden Death Overtime Weekend.
GRAHAM: The Smokers String Section has not
admitted defeat, and they have the Bulb now
in the Coal Shute Mire, Emma Vroomshee
taking the lead. She’s created an opening
on Sabot Side and Shimmies the Bulb
through !
KIM: Attempting to atone for his recent miscue
and taking The Bulb in full stride, there’s
Frokker Minor, the stalwart Delivery Man,
following in the footsteps of his much
celebrated and late older brother, Frokker
Major, killed in a Ruggit accident two years
ago ... and oh !
GRAHAM: Oh ! Brilliant ! A Head On Collision !
KIM: The Myrtle Glove Flagman signals a Coda !
GRAHAM: And in an unprecedented move, the Checker
Spot allows the Smokers have scored a
Board Foot !
KIM: The judges are giving their marks - five-
one; three-eight; five-five ...
GRAHAM: The Circuit Rork Judge has overturned the
three-eight score !
KIM: The Smokers are incensed ! They’re taking
it to the District Rork Judge. He upholds
the decision. The three Appeals Rork
Judges are discussing it now ...
GRAHAM: They’re passing it up to the Supreme Rork
Judge, and ...
KIM: He’s allowed it !
GRAHAM: `Strordinary !
KIM: In an attempt to either ensure victory or
wrest it from the other Splat, the players
from both sides have abandoned The Fens,
The Mires and the Boardwalk now, and
they’re all on the Fairway with time running
out ! That Collision has put the Smokers
ahead by a Quarter-note ...
GRAHAM: And the noon-day gun sounds ...
SFX: BOOM ! CROWD GOES CRAZY
... signalling the end of the 173rd playing of
the Islas das Berhamas Dutch Ruggit
Turmoil !
KIM: In their first visit to this event, the Merlin
Pole Smokers have scored a major victory,
handing defeat, for the record-setting
thirteenth consecutive year, to the Cancan
Perturbos. The final score in a game
decided by the smallest of margins: the
Smokers, 2 Bash over C Natural in three
sixteenths; the Turbos, thirty for sixty on
parole in a flatted fifth.
GRAHAM: In the time-honoured tradition, the Smokers
are hurling their coach, the famous Hats
O’Reardigan, captain of several historic
Turmoil winners, into the Dinkums.
SFX: SPLASH ! CHEER ! TIGER
KIM: Yes, it’s hats off to Hats for pulling this
rookie side through against the more
experienced, but hapless, Perturbos.
GRAHAM: Let’s go down to the field where Eve Lynn
Saparido has some post-game interviews
and a wash-up with the winners ...
SFX: FADE OUT GAME AND BACK TO
STUDIO
PIK: Damn Pole Smokers, damn Hats
O’Reardigan.
PAUL: Wow. Still, Pik, that was an amazing finish.
PIK: You obviously don’t cheer for the
Perturbos.
PAUL: Can I buy you a drink ?
PIK: Yeah, Firefruit Briarnog ... jug.
SFX: GO TO FADE
PAUL: Raymond-Pierre, a Firefruit Briarnog for
Mr. Pogue, and another Mellow Mango
Slurpee Surprize for me, those things are
great.
END OF SHOW 1/2
DOUG: THAT BCN THANG
CLIPS
WACKA-WACKA
PAUL: Goth-ahn Die-inn, Iceland, aloha, Canada !
Get in out of the blistering sun !
Today: more tourism from the sunny south;
see the sights; meet the locals; and go for a
flutter on the mustard baize.
All this for you, with me, on Nfld’s cultural
magazine !
SFX: THEME DOWN AND OUT
PAUL: Cancan is the capitol of Islas dos Berhamas.
And this burg is alive just after dawn, Nfld
time. It’s breakfast time on Vesco
Boulevard. This is not a place for the faint
of heart. All around me the party roars !
Salsa bands pound out a hot beat ! Dancers
gamahouche all along the street ! Large-
chested women beckon wantonly, their
tongues flickering like monitor lizards !
Vendors vend their wares - peanuts screwed
up in paper cones; voodoo dolls; home-
made alcohol; wooden teeth. It’s all here !
SFX: CROSSFADE. MORE BUT DIFFERENT
STREET NOISE
The pedestrian style is Cancan speed.
SFX: TAXI HORN BEEPING
Hey ! Watch it !
VOICE: Oh uh uheh.
PAUL: Here in the heart of Cancan, old world
charm meets new world capitalism. The
Boulevard des Financiers Fugitiv, Rue de
Credit Lyonnais, Avenue de Speculation,
they all meet at this, the town square.
Around me, the names of international
prosperity hang proudly - Krupps
Funkensheit, Voigt Kampf, Bank of
Commerce and Credit International, Shiate,
Nissuhonotadai - and their wares are on
public display in large storefront windows.
SFX: BELL TOLLING IN QUIET OLD
COBBLESTONE STREETS; QUIET
STREET ACTIVITY; HORSES AND
CARTS GO BY, AND THE ODD MOPED.
PAUL: And only a short eighty minute stroll from
my hotel are the gates to the old city -- or
Vielle Cite, as it’s known. No mere surf and
turf tourism for this cosmo Canuck -- no sir
-- after consulting my Least Antilles
Handbook, I’ve reserved myself a walking
tour of the historic centre with renowned
“guide” [Fr.], Jaquelinda Monchaise?
JAQ: Close. It’s Mancheezha.
PAUL: All right, Jaquelinda, dip me in time.
JAQ: We are in the main square of the old town,
Alejandroplatz, founded in 1542. It’s
ringed by the famous 23 churches...
PAUL: Must be every denomination in
Christendom.
JAQ: It’s known as the faith market, or
“gottunmarchando” as we say in Dudgeon.
PAUL: Dudgeon being the language of the Islas das
Berhamas ?
JAQ: Yes, there are different dialects, but
basically the elite speak in High Dudgeon,
while the working people speak varieties of
Low Dudgeon.
PAUL: How about a sample of the lingo -- how
would you say “I’m really gonna party”?
JAQ: If you rich folk you gonna purse up your
lips like a chicken’s ass...
PAUL: Like this...?
JAQ: Dat’s it, and you say “Je vais festejoo molto
schnell...”
PAUL: “Je vais festejoo molto schnell...”
JAQ: The poor folk gonna say “De ich und de ich
va jammin’ chanter mabou fass”.
PAUL: That’s a little much for me.
JAQ: It’s just different mixtures of all the colonial
languages with African and some Chinese.
PAUL: It seems that the Islas das Berhamas were
colonised by pretty much every European
power.
JAQ: Spain, Portugal, Norway, Bavaria, England,
Lichtenstein...
PAUL: Wow -- pretty strategic spot, I guess.
JAQ: Yes, and mixed nut plantations. Anyway,
finally we threw them out in the big slave
rebellion of 1868. Of course this century
we’ve been invaded by the US Marines 74
times.
PAUL: Persistent, aren’t they?
JAQ: 16 times by accident -- they were invading
Cuba or the Dominican or Haiti or Grenada
or Panama and they got lost.
PAUL: Hazards of geography. This statue here, the
funny-looking humunculus on the horse,
who’s that?
JAQ: That’s the heroic leader of the slave
rebellion, William T. L’Ouverture.
PAUL: Oh. What about the name, Cancan? Is that
an indigenous word?
JAQ: No, the indigenous people were gone by the
time of the first colonisation. They
committed mass suicide sometime in the
14th century. Cancan is the new city,
founded by the Cancanistas, a sect of French
cabaret performers who settled here in the
1920s but were driven from the old city
because they worshipped Josephine Baker
as a deity.
PAUL: Right, now I heard something about that.
Doesn’t it have something to do with the
origins of vuggum?
JAQ: I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.
PAUL: Vuggum, you know -- it’s some kind of
voodoo.
JAQ: Vuggum is not permitted by law in the Islas
das Berhamas. The tour is over. Good-bye.
SFX: STARTS WALKING AWAY.
PAUL: Heh! Come back! Oh man, which way out ?
I’m totally turned around. 23 churches and
not a prayer. Check the guide book.
“Caution: The old city is crawling with
thieves and murderers who prey on
tourists”. Well, that’s just dandy.
MAN: Lost?
PAUL: Me? No.
MAN: I’ll show you the way out. Follow me.
PAUL: Thanks, that’s all right, I’m meeting a
friend.
SFX: PAUL STARTS RUNNING. CHASE.
MAN: (shouting) Come back, man, it’s all right.
Me and my friends’ll help you.
SFX: PAUL DUCKS INTO CANTINA.
CHICKENS AND ROOSTERS, BAD
GUITAR AND SONG BY OLD WOMAN.
PAUL: (out of breath) Oh my god.
GEOFF: Hello mate. Buy you a drink?
PAUL: I’m not your mate. Just keep away from me.
GEOFF: Cool it, baby. You’re among friends. (to
bartender) Samuel, a guava colada for my
friend Paul here.
PAUL: How’d you know my name?
GEOFF: Don’t you remember me? I’m Geoff
Firman.
PAUL: No.
GEOFF: I played bass with “Ya”.
PAUL: Doesn’t ring a bell. Oh, wait a minute,
“Ya”.
GEOFF: Ya.
PAUL: Ya.
GEOFF: Ya, that’s it.
PAUL: You had that hit...
GEOFF: “Psychedelic Gravy” -- (sings bass part).
We met in London. 1967. The Rolling
Stones Circus. I played bass sitar.
PAUL: Oh right! Geoff Firman, man, you’re a sight
for sore eyes. I thought those guys were
gonna kill me.
GEOFF: Quite possible mate. Some bad apples
‘round here. Course it’s not as bad as it
was. I lived here when the dictator fellow
was on the go -- Tallyman Trujosa -- him
and his Boo-boo Canard. Woaaaaa, a bad
lot they were... Bad vuggum...
PAUL: Vuggum -- I started asking my tour guide
about vuggum, and she just froze up and
then she took off on me.
GEOFF: Just as well, mate. She might have tried to
lure you into participating in a ceremony.
PAUL: Really?
GEOFF: Oh ya, her and her friends, they take you
down to a secluded beach. And you’re
thinking, all right, a bit of beach-blanket
bingo? Dead wrong, mate. Before you
know it, man, the can-can music’s got you
in a trance like and the vuggum begins ...
The Josephine dolls come out, and the weird
contortions start happening, and that’s it,
man, good-bye ...
PAUL: What?
GEOFF: You’re a goombah. Heh, why don’t you
come back to the mansion. I’ll show you
my recording studio.
...
GEOFF: You catch any of the BRF tour in ‘77?
...
PAUL: So what are you working on, Geoff?
GEOFF: Supergroup. Getting a tour together. Me,
Johnny Entwhistle, Jack Bruce, Bill
Wyman, Roger Waters, John Paul Jones...
PAUL: All bass players?
GEOFF: Ya, bass supergroup. Concept stuff. It’s all
coming back, man. Pschedelic, disco -- it’s
only a matter of time before prog rock has a
comeback.
PAUL: I don’t know about that, Geoff.
GEOFF: I can feel it, man.
PAUL: No, take it from me, Geoff, prog rock ain’t
comin back
GEOFF: I got this eleven string bass -- it takes three
people to play it.
18 minutes to here
SFX: CROSS FADE BACK TO THE STREET
Out here in the streets, the happy ...
SFX: BUMPS INTO PEOPLE
Unting uck. Why don’t you watch where
you’re going, you ...
JOEL: We’re so sorry, please excuse us ...
CASPER: Mr. Moth !
PAUL: I’m sorry ?
JOEL (Steve): Paul Moth, the radio personality, isn’t it ?
PAUL: Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I’m ...
CASPER (Ed): You’re a long way from home, Mr. Moth.
JOEL: But your reputation precedes you. I
understand your radio program is a national
success in Canada.
CASPER: Congratulations, sir !
PAUL: Thank you, but ...
JOEL: You’ve also achieved, uh, how to put this ...
CASPER: Notoriety ?
JOEL: Cult status, perhaps, yes, you have cult
status amongst a certain ...
CASPER: Clientele ?
JOEL: Here in the Berhamas, sir.
CASPER: You and a little dog ...
JOEL: Zorro ?
CASPER: Nero ?
PAUL: Pepito !
JOEL: Yes, that might be it, Pepito.
CASPER: The people speak of you with some
reverence.
PAUL: How do you know my name. Have we met
before ?
CASPER: I take my excitement where I can find it.
Perhaps Bratislava ?
JOEL: Sydney ?
CASPER: Yes ?
JOEL: No, Australia.
CASPER: Vientiane ?
JOEL: South Beach ?
PAUL: Beneath St. John’s ! In the Catacombs !
CASPER: Never heard of it.
PAUL: You were under the Stinkhammer !
JOEL: You must be mistaken.
PAUL: Didn’t you wear the fox hat ?
CASPER: Perhaps you are right.
JOEL: What are you doing here on Isla de los
Matadero, my good sir ?
PAUL: I’m taking a little mid-winter break.
CASPER: Excellent !
JOEL: Wonderful place, here. Yes. Have you seen
the sights ?
PAUL: I have been strolling about, not really
focused ...
CASPER: Oh, good. We know where everything is.
PAUL: Perhaps you could help me, then. I’m on a
mission for cigars.
JOEL: Cigars, sir ?
PAUL: Cigars.
CASPER: Cigars.
PAUL: Cigars.
JOEL: Oh ...
ALL 3: Cigars.
JOEL: Then we have met at a most propitious
moment, yes indeed we have. What a stroke
of luck, for we are presently on our way to
Miguel’s Cigarery.
CASPER: Come, join us, won’t you ?
PAUL: (FADING) Cigarery ? I’ve never heard that
term ...
JOEL: (FADING UP) ... you didn’t realize the
Dutch Moths were here in the 16th century ?
PAUL: No idea at all.
CASPER: The Dutch of course found Isla de los
Mataderos in 1599.
CASPER: And they were usurped by the Portuguese ...
JOEL: Who were thrown out by the Spanish ...
CASPER: Who were defeated by the Chinese ...
PAUL: From China ?
JOEL: Who were destroyed by the French ...
CASPER: Before the current rulers formed a
benevolent dictatorship in the `50’s with the
assistance of some ... uh ...
JOEL: Latvian advisers.
CASPER: Yes.
PAUL: Ah ! Here we are, Miguel’s Cigarery.
SFX: BELL JINGLES, THEY ENTER
JOEL: Miguel, como estas ?
MIGUEL: Muy bien, Senor Joel. What is it I can be
doing for you, my friend ?
CASPER: This gentleman would like to purchase some
... cigars.
MIGUEL: Cigars ?
PAUL: Cigars.
MIGUEL: Cigars.
JOEL: Cigars.
PAUSE
MIGUEL: Oh
ALL 4: ... cigars !
MIGUEL: Then you have certainly come to the right
place.
JOEL: I would like a Montecristo Number 2
Torpedo.
MIGUEL: Certainement.
CASPER: And I’ll have a Cohiba Gran Esplendido
Panatela.
MIGUEL: Ah, the Lancero ! Excellent choice. And
you, sir ?
PAUL: Ah ...
MIGUEL: Macanudo ?
JOEL: Partagas ?
CASPER: Baccarat ?
ALL 3: Don Tomas ?
PAUL: Umm ...
MIGUEL: Habanos ?
JOEL: El Laguita ?
CASPER: A Romeo ...
ALL 3: Y Julietta ?
PAUL: Errr ...
MIGUEL: A Trinidad ?
JOEL: A Butera ?
CASPER: Montecruz ?
MIGUEL: Panatella ?
JOEL: A Hoyo de Monterey ?
CASPER: Fuente Fuente Opus Ten ?
MIGUEL: Uppman ?
JOEL: Punch ?
CASPER: Don Diego ?
MIGUEL: Byron ?
JOEL: Churchill ?
CASPER: Robusto ?
PAUL: Well, you see ...
ALL: Yes ?
PAUL: I don’t smoke, really, I’m just buying them
for a friend.
ALL: ( Disappointed ) Ohhhh ...
PAUL: But he gave me fifteen hundred dollars to
buy them.
ALL: ( Interested ) Ohhhh ?
MIGUEL: Well, my friend, allow me to introduce you
to the world of fine cigars - and for fifteen
hundred dollars, I can promise you, the
cigar you bring home to your friend will be
the best he has ever smoked.
PAUL: Cigar ?
MIGUEL: More rare than the fabled Habanos Abuser.
JOEL & CASPER: Oooh !
MIGUEL: More magnificent than an Umberto 5BX.
JOEL & CASPER: Aaah !
MIGUEL: The most sought after satisfaction since the
Valencia Violator.
JOEL & CASPER: Dear god.
MIGUEL: A smoke so fine, a cigar so sublime,
satisfaction so complete, that I, Miguel
Cervantes de los Jesus Guartario Equerribus
Christos Madre Mia di Corleone, personally
guarantee it. If your friend is in anyway less
than satisfied with this product, if he thinks
it is not the greatest thing since a better
mousetrap, I will fly him and a companion
to ...
SFX: DRUMROLL & PRIZE WINNING
THEME THAT CONTINUES UNDER
Disneyworld, DR ...
JOEL & CASPER: Magnifico !
MIGUEL: For an all-expenses paid weekend of sun,
surf, cigars and ...
PAUL: Just a minute. ( PRIZE THEME STOPS )
One cigar ?
MIGUEL: Not just a “cigar”, compadre.
PAUL: Fifteen hundred dollars ?
MIGUEL: American, yes.
PAUL: I don’t think so.
MIGUEL: Think of the prestige. I’m talking the
legendary El Cordobes Smoldering Turd (in
Spanish) !
CASPER: Gasp !
JOEL: The fabled Smoldering Turd !
CASPER: A perfume so powerful ...
JOEL: A smoke so exhilarating ...
MIGUEL: A size so formidable ...
PAUL: A cost so ridiculous. Fifteen hundred
dollars could buy a lot of White Owls, you
know.
OTHER 3: Yeesh.
MIGUEL: ( Conspiratorially ) Come with me, now,
my friend. I will show you what I am
talking about.
JOEL: ( Whispers ) This is the experience of a
lifetime, Mr. Moth, yes it is.
MIGUEL: Pull the curtains.
SFX: CURTAINS PULLED. STORE CLOSED
Follow me.
SFX: CREAKING DOOR, FOOTSTEPS AND
ETC. THEY WIND THEIR WAY DOWN
STAIRS TO THE CASINO.
APPROPRIATE REGGAE/ASIAN
MUSIC, SHEEP BAAING, PARTY
ATMOSPHERE
5:15 from 18 minute section previously
PAUL: Wow ! I didn’t know smoking could be so
much fun !
JOEL: Oh, yes, my friend ... the carnal attractions
to one such as yourself, a gentleman might I
say, conversant with most of the best stimuli
that life offers ...
CASPER: A man so far in advance of the crowd ... a
man on the edge ...
PAUL: Hmmm ?
JOEL: Cutting edge.
PAUL: Is that who I think it is at the centre table ?
CASPER: Smokey the Bear.
JOEL: A fine representative for Tobacco for a
Better Tomorrow. Oh, we’re just in time for
the floor show.
CASPER: Enjoy yourself, Mr. Moth, give yourself
over to self-satisfaction.
SFX: CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUSE.
MC: ( Coughs ) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and
girls, won’t you please welcome, Tanya and
the Tobacc-ettes !
SFX: GROUP SING ... “SMOKE GETS IN
YOUR EYES”?? SOME SMOKING
BALLAD ANYWAY. THEN THE
DISCO/CASINO SCENE
PAUL: Well, well, well a casino. This is a vice in
which I might still indulge ... not to mention
the opportunity of doubling Ish’s fifteen
hundred ... that’s two cigars … jeez what a
swank joint, and just far enough from
Monaco that I may be able to …
DOOR: Excuse me, Monsieur.
PAUL: Yes ?
DOOR: A jacket is required.
PAUL: Oh … I’d have to go back to the resort.
DOOR: If Monsieur wishes we could provide …
PAUL: Why thank you, Pierre.
DOOR: My name is Bobby.
PAUL: Sorry … a 48 tall … and in navy …
DOOR: Navy ?
PAUL: Brings out my eyes … I’m told.
DOOR: How about this …
PAUL: Nice, very nice …well thank you.
DOOR: I am sorry, but Monsieur requires a tie.
PAUL: Right.
DOOR: And trousers, socks and flip flops are, shall
I say, frowned upon.
PAUL: Okay …
SFX: CROSS TO CASINO
PAUL: Mmmmm Let’s see …(TO SELF) roulette?
Bacarrat? Nah Black Jack? (LOUDER)
Hit him! Whooops. Oh my …. The
unmistakable mustard felt of the Vielle Fille
table.
SFX: RIDICULOUSLY RAPID FIRE
SHUFFLING
DEAL: Does Monsieur wish to “play the maid” ?
PAUL: I’m acquainted with the old girl. Deal me
in. If it’s alright with Madame ?
MADA: But of course. It is a cruel game. “Pair.”
DEAL: Your card, Monsieur.
PAUL: Thank you. “Pair” “Pair” “Pair” “Pair”.
SFX: CROWD GASPS
MADA: Surely Monsieur is not a sharp.
PAUL: Just lucky at cards, unlucky …
DEAL: “Pair”. Monsieur.
PAUL: Merci. “Pair” “Pair” “Pair”. I’m out!
SFX: CROWD GASPS
DEAL: Merde! I have the old maid! VACHE!
SFX: PAUL SWEEPING IN CHIPS
PAUL: You are the sweetest …
REJEAN: I see Monsieur is doing very well …
PAUL: Hmmm ?
REJEAN: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Rejean
Belmondo, the house heavy, and these are
my thugs. You are ?
PAUL: Biggs is the name. Erling Biggs.
REJEAN: Funny, you look just like the renowned old
maid hustler, Paul Moth.
PAUL: The resemblance has been noted …
ahgigjdjjehjrehjhhhhhhh
SFX: THUGS GRAB PAUL
REJEAN:
Page 9 of 69
[Alternate ending; Opium Den instead of Casino]
SFX: CREAKING DOOR, FOOTSTEPS AND ETC. THEY WIND
THEIR WAY DOWN STAIRS TO THE ‘OPIUM’ DEN.
APPROPRIATE REGGAE/ASIAN MUSIC, SHEEP
BAAING, PARTY ATMOSPHERE
PAUL: Wow ! I didn’t know smoking could be so much fun !
JOEL: Oh, yes, my friend ... the carnal attractions to one such as
yourself, a gentleman might I say, conversant with most of the
best stimuli that life offers ...
CASPER: A man so far in advance of the crowd ... a man on the edge ...
PAUL: Hmmm ?
JOEL: Cutting edge.
PAUL: Is that who I think it is at the centre table ?
CASPER: Smokey the Bear.
JOEL: A fine representative for Tobacco for a Better Tomorrow. Oh,
we’re just in time for the floor show.
SFX: CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUSE.
MC: ( Coughs ) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, won’t you
please welcome, Tanya and the Tobacc-ettes !
PAUL: My god ... is that Jerome !
SFX: JEROME AND GROUP SING ... “SMOKE GETS IN YOUR
EYES”?? SOME SMOKING BALLAD ANYWAY.
OR
SFX: CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUSE
JEROME: Ladies and gentlemen, Mesdames et monsieurs, meine herren
und damen, dames e caballeros, ( coughs ) the dance floor is
open, choose your partner !
MUSIC: FINNISH TANGO
Let’s tango !
JEROME: Sir , would you do me the honour of this dance ?
PAUL: Uh, well, I’m not very nimble on my ...
JEROME: Come on, big boy, on your pieds.
PAUL: ( YANKED TO HIS FEET ) Whoa !
MUSIC PLAYS
( In Mexican Spanish ) Senorita, you are a marvelous dancer,
and your breasts are as firm as ...
JEROME: Give it up, Paul. It’s me, Jerome.
PAUL: Jerome, I didn’t recognize you. How many outfits do you
travel with ?
JEROME: Paul, this is neither the time nor the place.
PAUL: Man, I could say the same thing. Where did you learn to
tango ?
JEROME: Ish taught me everything I know. But Paul ...
PAUL: Ish ?
JEROME: ... That isn’t important. This is dangerous in here. We got to
get out.
PAUL: Oh, come on, aren’t you exaggerating just a little ?
SFX: DISRUPTED, OR PREMATURELY ENDED BY THE
POLICE RAID.
JEROME: Run, Paul, run like you’ve never run before !
PAUL: Jerome ! Don’t leave me !
SFX: IN THE MELEE, PAUL’S TAPE RECORDER IS
WRESTED FROM HIM.
UNINTELLIGBLE SPANISH, THEN DEAD AIR
PAUSE
JAIL AMBIANCE. MUTTERING IN BG, CELL DOORS
CLANG, ETC.
PAUL: Woof woof ( WHISPERS ) Test, one, two.
(CONTINUES WHISPERING) I don’t know if you can hear
me, but I’m talking to you from a jail cell in the old town of
Pica. It’s been several hours since I last saw Jerome Grainger,
the authorities took him to another area of the building. I
heard pitiful screams and unidentifiable noises. I fear for my
life.
BILL: Paul ? Paul Moth ?
PAUL: Bill ? Bill Murphy, what are you doing in here ?
BILL: I’m completing a paper on the Rotating Colonial Activity in
the Caribbean Basin.
PAUL: What ?
BILL: It’s toward my Phd.
PAUL: Really ?
BILL: No. There’s been some misunderstanding, my company’s
lawyer’ll be here soon, I’ll be out in a jiff.
Listen, if you want, I’ll get him to put in a word for you.
PAUL: Is he any good ?
BILL: He’s got as much guts as a five cent fish. And that’s a lot of
guts.
PAUL: What’s the company you’re working with ?
BILL: I’m employed by an international waste management firm.
PAUL: What ... port-a-potty ?
BILL: No, I’m not in biological containment. I’m on the Satellite
Refuse Elimination System.
PAUL: Dumpsters.
BILL: If you can take it away, you’ve won their hearts and minds.
You don’t have to grab ‘em by the balls.
PAUL: I guess. Jeez, Bill, you sound ... great.
BILL: How do you mean ?
PAUL: Friendly, non-aggressive, optimistic ...
BILL: Sober ?
PAUL: I wasn’t going to say that.
BILL: I’m on the wagon, you’ll be glad to know.
PAUL: Wow ! That’s fantastic, Bill.
BILL: Your book was a great comfort to me, Paul.
PAUL: I’m flattered, and glad, to hear that. How long has it been ?
BILL: Bout a week.
PAUL: Oh.
Well, it’s a long battle, Bill.
BILL: Don’t I know it. The Rocky Road to Recovery, “One rung at a
time.”
PAUL: (FINISHES IT WITH HIM) “...ung at a time.”
SFX: CLANG OF GATES & ETC. KEY IN CELL DOOR
GUARD: Signor Edouard Rish ?
BILL: That’s me.
PAUL: Bill ? or Edourd who ?
BILL: Nobody uses their real name in the Berhamas, Paul. Don’t
worry. I’ll have Miguel say a word on your behalf.
(MOVING OFF )
PAUL: Miguel ? The cigar guy ?
BILL: The same. Hot solicitor.
PAUL: Bill ! Don’t leave me.
BILL: (OFF) Chill, Paul. Help is on the way.
PAUL: Paulitorial. The lesson of
the sixties? "Don't buy
drugs from policemen"
Still more: Cancan currency...
PAUL: Ah, jeez, money !
I took some traveller's cheques,
but I'm not sure the Canadian buck
goes very far here.
CUSTOMS:We specialize in off-shore banking.
No banks on Cancan.
You must take a boat.
To the offshore bank.
PAUL: Will that help ?
C: We can change your dollar into
real dollars ... or the local currency.
PAUL: What is the local currency ?
C: The moolah.
PAUL: Hmmm ?
C: It's easy - almost like decimal.
PAUL: Almost ?
C: 12 pelfs to a lucre, 8 lucres to a new
guinea, 4 new guineas to a moolah.
PAUL: That is pretty easy ...
C: Moolahs to a finball ...
PAUL: Of course ...
C: A brass guilder to a cheese,
and two lollies to a mazuma.