POLITICAL PANEL--SHOW 4

PAUL:	It's my pleasure to welcome back our panel on political 
	culture in Newfoundland.  Ariel Flint, host of BCN's 
	acclaimed Show Trial, and noted pundit J. Richard Candow, 
	join me in the studio.  On the line is Carl Jonson, Valdmanis 
	professor of political economy at the University of 
	Newfoundland at St. John's, who's attending a 
	peacekeeping conference in Safe Haven, Connecticut.  
	Good morning to you all.

ALL:	Hello, Paul.

PAUL:	We are all relieved that the Marine Atlantic strike will not 
	occur.  But as a consequence of the rumoured settlement, 
	ferry service to the island is to be discontinued.  This on the 
	heels of Canadian Airlines' pull-out of the province and Air 
	Canada's unwillingness to guarantee flights in and out of 
	Newfoundland.  Ariel, you've got your bags packed and with 
	you in studio.

ARIEL:	You can't be too careful.  It's the ultimate consequence of 
	de-regulation.  I've always said this day would come.  And 
	hey, I have relatives in Montreal I want to see again.

CARL:	A point of clarification ... please.

JR:	I saw your bags by the door, Paul.

PAUL:	Don't get me wrong, J. Richard, I love Newfoundland, but ... 
	in any event, everything was booked.  And the scene at the 
	airport ...

ARIEL:	Is reminiscent of the fall
	of Saigon.

JR:	Comrade Flint got out of there just fine, didn't she.

PAUL:	Newfoundland is a great place to live, but why do I suddenly 
	feel this, claustrophobia?  Why do I feel trapped ?

JR:	It'll lighten up, Paul, relax.  Mainland Canada needs funny, 
	white people who will still do the dirty work.
	
ARIEL:	Or is it that J. Richard and his friends want a captive pool of 
	cheap labour confined to the island with Clyde Wells as a 
	puppet God-King to the multinationals?
	
JR:	Make me cry.

PAUL:	You're the only person I've seen today, J. Richard, who is 
	not carrying luggage.

ARIEL:	That's because J. Richard's bags and bullion are already on 
	board the private "tobacco-for-a-better-tomorrow" jet on 
	twenty-four hour stand-by alert at Torbay Airport.

PAUL:	Is this true, J. Richard?

CARL:	This is serious. I have to get home.

JR:	Don't start begging, Paul, there's no room on the jet what 
	with the Cabinet and Bob Vesco and Colonel Harlan 
	Sanders ... totally blocked.  Next issue.
	
PAUL:	Ok.  Shocking drama on the high seas as French Foreign 
	Legion Marine Commandos are thwarted in their attempt to 
	board the Whale Watching cum Protest vessel, the 
	Scamedia.

ARIEL:	If it wasn't for the brave souls aboard the Scamedia, the 
	French would be unchecked in their Psychological Weapons 
	testing in St. Pierre.  Thank god they repelled the frog men 
	attempting to board the ship.

JR:	Frog-Men, Ariel?  These so called protestors are nothing 
	more than fugitives from a St. John's municipal by-law.  
	Admit it, Ariel, you know they're from the Provisional Wing of 
	the Save Pippy Park movement.

ARIEL:	So what if they are ?  The French are in blatant violation of 
	an international psychological warfare non-proliferation pact.
	
JR:	Pact shmacked.  They're a sovereign country.  What 
	business is it of ours how they treat their citizens ?
	
ARIEL:	No matter what you say about them, the people of St. Pierre 
	are human beings ...

JR:	Prove it!

ARIEL:	... and we cannot sit idly by as they are subjected to the 
	horrors of psychological warfare.  And why have the French 
	continually denied UN observers access to St. Pierre & 
	Miquelon ?  Can we even imagine what kind of diabolical 
	games they are playing with the Gallic psyche?

JR:	Probably serving them de-caf and whole wheat toast ... that 
	would break them in a matter of days. Probably asking them 
	to watch the cholesterol.  "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER, 
	FIFI.  I MUST HAVE FROMAGE !  TELL THEM WHAT 
	THEY WANT KNOW!"  
 
CARL:	I was brain washed once.

PAUL:	Ya, a massive program of secret psychological warfare 
	testing, it's spooky.

JR:	It is an essential element in any multi-faceted defense 
	strategy.  And it's come in handy, let me tell you.

ARIEL:	What on earth are you talking about?

JR:	All those odd socks in the "former" Soviet Union, the jars 
	that wouldn't open in Iraq, and think of the applications for 
	industry, if it weren't for psychological weapons testing call 
	waiting would never have been developed.

ARIEL:	Take note, Paul, of J. Richard's familiarity with sinister 
	technology like call waiting. Admit it J. Richard, you know 
	the people responsible. 

JR:	I know of them.  

ARIEL:	They wouldn't be the same people that developed the single sheet toilet tissue 
	dispensers, the two prong plug extension cord and Beta 
	Home Video?

PAUL:	What horrible genius.

CARL:	What's wrong with Beta ?

JR:	My attorney's have told me ...

ARIEL:	It's hardly a secret that the research division of Candow 
	Paper developed the single, one-ply, fold-over tissue.  

JR:	Yes ... well no.  Just be thankful we're on your side.

CARL:	No flights at all ?

PAUL:	Carl?

CARL:	No flights and no ferry ... what about all my stuff?

PAUL:	We're out of time.  I thank Ariel Flint and J. Richard Candow 
	for being in the studio with me, and Carl Jonson for phoning 
	all the way from the States.  Maybe we'll all be on the phone 
	next time.

ALL:	Thanks, Paul.  Goodbye.  What do you mean ?