GE 1995 Season 2 Episode 6: Political Panel
Note: this is not a transcript, but a working draft of the script, so there may be differences in the aired version.
POLITICAL PANEL - SHOW 6
PAUL: Our panel on political culture in
Newfoundland is back. Joining me in the
studio are Ariel Flint, host of BCN's "Show
Trial", and noted pundit and lobbyist, J
Richard Candow. Carl Jonson, a political
economist at the University of Newfoundland
at St. John's, joins us by phone this week
from Montreal. Good day to you all.
ARIEL/JR: Hello, Paul.
PAUL: Well, quite a week. Once again, the
province (waits for Carl).... Carl, are you
there? Well, we seem to have lost the line
from Montreal.
ARIEL: That is a shame.
PAUL: In any event, big news in the province this
week, as kinder, gentler, and former
President George Bush was almost swallowed
by a bog hole in Central Newfoundland.
ARIEL: "El presidente bites the bog one": a
headline I would have liked to see.
PAUL: J. Richard, the boys in the newsroom tell me
you were with the President at the time.
JRICHARD: That's a lie. I was nowhere near that
boghole.
PAUL: No, I mean that you were on the fishing
trip.
JRICHARD: Ah, yes, well, the chief and I are having
some business troubles with the government
of Liberia that we needed to discuss.
ARIEL: I shudder to think.
JRICHARD: Thank god we managed to save him in time. A
great President and a great American.
ARIEL: A great President?
JRICHARD: Well, a middling to fair President, but a
damn fine trouter.
ARIEL: Ya, sounds like he really knows his way
around the wild: twenty secret service
agents to mind him, and he almost drowns in
a bog hole.
PAUL: Yes, that is a bit curious. What happened
out there anyway?
JRICHARD: Well, the chopper was forced down by some
fog, and the Chief was ... seized by a
natural urge ... and stepped behind a grassy
knoll for some privacy.
PAUL: Where he had the unfortunate accident.
JRICHARD: I concur with the President's theory: this
was no accident. It had all the earmarks of
a Saddam Hussein operation.
ARIEL: What? That is absolutely ridiculous.
JRICHARD: Think about it: the unforecasted fog, oil
deposits on the Port au Port, and then the
assassin boghole just "happening" to be
there, beckoning, at the exact moment that
the Chief felt the unscheduled physiological
necessity coming on.
ARIEL: And who were these mysterious "ladies" that
took you gentlemen into the bush, as it
were.
JRICHARD: Ladies ? There were no ladies; some of the
secret service lads are occasionally
required to dress up a little when the Chief
is on vacation ...
ARIEL: According to this (reads from paper) 'The
ladies in the group noticed he was in
distress... They shouted "The President is
down" '
JRICHARD: Oh, those ladies. Domestics, for the cabin.
ARIEL: French maids, perhaps?
JRICHARD: You really have a fertile imagination,
Ariel.
ARIEL: It's come in handy, let me tell you.
JRICHARD: You just have to keep picking away at me
don't you. Get over it!
PAUL: On another matter, then. Government
announces the closure of the children's
hospital here in St. John's. Dept. of
Health Officials claim that they will be
better able to serve the community with
fewer beds and major cuts to staff. Leaner,
meaner medicine, or more newspeak nonsense
from the people who brought you "Hydro: the
sell-off".
ARIEL: According to my sources inside the civil
service, this is just a smoke screen for the
ultimate plan, which is the privatization of
all health care.
JRICHARD: As if that were a bad thing.
ARIEL: But using children as guinea pigs in these
insane privatization experiments? That's
sick.
JRICHARD: No one is even considering charging the kids
... directly, the billing goes to the
parents, unless of course they're orphans,
in which case we'll simply put a lean on
their organs...
ARIEL: So there is a privatization plan ?
JRICHARD: There's ... a prudent ... contingency.
ARIEL: You sure you don't mean conspiracy? No
doubt you're in on the deal with a bunch of
private health care pros from south of the
border.
JRICHARD: Wrong! All Newfoundland Takeover! Me,
Bernie Ayres, Earl Var ... Chripes! What
am I saying ? Stop. Let's go back. You've
got to cut out that section of the tape.
PAUL: I'm afraid I can't help you there, J
Richard.
JRICHARD: Don't dick me around here Moth, I have ...
people ... on staff who will really mess you
up.
PAUL: No. I mean the tape can't be cut, we're
live to air ...
JRICHARD: I can't believe this is happening! I'm a
dead man!
SFX: JRC EXITS IN A HURRY
ARIEL: Well, Paul, now you can see why we keep the
studio doors on Show Trial locked from the
outside. Richard's probably already on his
way to the airport. What a clown.
CARL: Stand-up, actually.
PAUL: Carl, sorry, are you there? We've just lost
J. Richard.
CARL: Yes, hello, Paul.
PAUL: What are you doing up in Montreal anyway?
CARL: I debuted my routine at the Just pour Rire
Festival.
ARIEL: Really!? Knock 'em dead there, Carl?
CARL: Well, it wasn't really a big hit.
PAUL: Been there, Carl.
CARL: More importantly, though--
PAUL: Well, that's all the time we have for today.
Dramatic turn of events here. Thank you,
Ariel and Carl, and, I guess, bon voyage, J.
Richard. We'll see some of you, I hope,
next time. I suppose we'll have to find a
replacement for J. Richard.
ARIEL: Yes, you're really going to have a hard time
finding a right-wing blowhard in this day
and age.
PAUL: Right, well we will see you again soon,
then, for another look at politics in
Newfoundland.
ARIEL/CARL: Bye, Paul.