GE 1995 Season 2 Episode 6: Political Panel
Note: this is not a transcript, but a working draft of the script, so there may be differences in the aired version.

POLITICAL PANEL - SHOW 6

PAUL:	Our panel on political culture in 
	Newfoundland is back.  Joining me in the 
	studio are Ariel Flint, host of BCN's "Show 
	Trial", and noted pundit and lobbyist, J 
	Richard Candow.  Carl Jonson, a political 
	economist at the University of Newfoundland 
	at St. John's, joins us by phone this week 
	from Montreal.  Good day to you all.

ARIEL/JR:	Hello, Paul.

PAUL:	Well, quite a week.  Once again, the 
	province (waits for Carl).... Carl, are you 
	there?  Well, we seem to have lost the line 
	from Montreal.

ARIEL:	That is a shame.

PAUL:	In any event, big news in the province this 
	week, as kinder, gentler, and former 
	President George Bush was almost swallowed 
	by a bog hole in Central Newfoundland. 

ARIEL:	"El presidente bites the bog one": a 
	headline I would have liked to see.

PAUL:	J. Richard, the boys in the newsroom tell me 
	you were with the President at the time.

JRICHARD:	That's a lie.  I was nowhere near that 
	boghole.

PAUL:	No, I mean that you were on the fishing 
	trip.

JRICHARD:	Ah, yes, well, the chief and I are having 
	some business troubles with the government 
	of Liberia that we needed to discuss.

ARIEL:	I shudder to think.

JRICHARD:	Thank god we managed to save him in time.  A 
	great President and a great American.

ARIEL:	A great President?

JRICHARD:	Well, a middling to fair President, but a 
	damn fine trouter.

ARIEL:	Ya, sounds like he really knows his way 
	around the wild: twenty secret service 
	agents to mind him, and he almost drowns in 
	a bog hole.

PAUL:	Yes, that is a bit curious.  What happened 
	out there anyway?

JRICHARD:	Well, the chopper was forced down by some 
	fog, and the Chief was ... seized by a 
	natural urge ... and stepped behind a grassy 
	knoll for some privacy.

PAUL:	Where he had the unfortunate accident.

JRICHARD:	I concur with the President's theory: this 
	was no accident.  It had all the earmarks of 
	a Saddam Hussein operation.

ARIEL:	What?  That is absolutely ridiculous.

JRICHARD:	Think about it: the unforecasted fog, oil 
	deposits on the Port au Port, and then the 
	assassin boghole just "happening" to be 
	there, beckoning, at the exact moment that 
	the Chief felt the unscheduled physiological 
	necessity coming on.  

ARIEL:	And who were these mysterious "ladies" that 
	took you gentlemen into the bush, as it 
	were.

JRICHARD:	Ladies ?  There were no ladies; some of the 
	secret service lads are occasionally 
	required to dress up a little when the Chief 
	is on vacation ... 

ARIEL:	According to this (reads from paper) 'The 
	ladies in the group noticed he was in 
	distress... They shouted "The President is 
	down" '
 
JRICHARD:	Oh, those ladies.  Domestics, for the cabin. 
 
ARIEL:	French maids, perhaps?

JRICHARD:	You really have a fertile imagination, 
	Ariel.

ARIEL:	It's come in handy, let me tell you.

JRICHARD:	You just have to keep picking away at me 
	don't you.  Get over it!

PAUL:	On another matter, then.  Government 
	announces the closure of the children's 
	hospital here in St. John's.  Dept. of 
	Health Officials claim that they will be 
	better able to serve the community with 
	fewer beds and major cuts to staff.  Leaner, 
	meaner medicine, or more newspeak nonsense 
	from the people who brought you "Hydro: the 
	sell-off".

ARIEL:	According to my sources inside the civil 
	service, this is just a smoke screen for the 
	ultimate plan, which is the privatization of 
	all health care.

JRICHARD:	As if that were a bad thing.

ARIEL:	But using children as guinea pigs in these 
	insane privatization experiments?  That's 
	sick.

JRICHARD:	No one is even considering charging the kids 
	... directly, the billing goes to the 
	parents, unless of course they're orphans, 
	in which case we'll simply put a lean on 
	their organs...

ARIEL:	So there is a privatization plan ?

JRICHARD:	There's ... a prudent ... contingency.

ARIEL:	You sure you don't mean conspiracy?  No 
	doubt you're in on the deal with a bunch of 
	private health care pros from south of the 
	border.

JRICHARD:	Wrong! All Newfoundland Takeover!  Me, 
	Bernie Ayres, Earl Var ... Chripes!   What 
	am I saying ?  Stop.  Let's go back.  You've 
	got to cut out that section of the tape.

PAUL:	I'm afraid I can't help you there, J 
	Richard.

JRICHARD:	Don't dick me around here Moth, I have ... 
	people ... on staff who will really mess you 
	up.

PAUL:	No.  I mean the tape can't be cut, we're 
	live to air ... 

JRICHARD:	I can't believe this is happening!  I'm a 
	dead man!

SFX:	JRC EXITS IN A HURRY

ARIEL:	Well, Paul, now you can see why we keep the 
	studio doors on Show Trial locked from the 
	outside.  Richard's probably already on his 
	way to the airport.  What a clown.

CARL:	Stand-up, actually.

PAUL:	Carl, sorry, are you there?  We've just lost 
	J. Richard.

CARL:	Yes, hello, Paul.

PAUL:	What are you doing up in Montreal anyway?

CARL:	I debuted my routine at the Just pour Rire 
	Festival.

ARIEL:	Really!?  Knock 'em dead there, Carl?

CARL:	Well, it wasn't really a big hit.

PAUL:	Been there, Carl.  

CARL:	More importantly, though--

PAUL:	Well, that's all the time we have for today. 
	Dramatic turn of events here.  Thank you, 
	Ariel and Carl, and, I guess, bon voyage, J. 
	Richard.  We'll see some of you, I hope, 
	next time. I suppose we'll have to find a 
	replacement for J. Richard.

ARIEL:	Yes, you're really going to have a hard time 
	finding a right-wing blowhard in this day 
	and age.

PAUL:	Right, well we will see you again soon, 
	then, for another look at politics in 
	Newfoundland.

ARIEL/CARL:	Bye, Paul.