ANNOUNCER:	It's eleven thirty-five, Nfld 
		Daylight Saving Time.  Stay 
		tuned for The Great Eastern, 
		Nfld's Cultural Magazine, with 
		Paul Moth.
		
		You are listening to the 
		Broadcasting Corporation of 
		Nfld, 520 on the Long Wave.

SFX:		THEME

		This week, on The Great Eastern: 
		(THERE FOLLOW AUDIO CLIPS FROM 
		THE SHOW.  THEY END)

PAUL:		Bonjour, Canada, hello.  Goth-
		ahn die-in, Iceland.  How's she 
		goin', Nfld !

		Yes, all hands are on board.  My 
		name is Paul Moth.  Today:  the 
		all-estrogen id;  a most humble 
		apology;  we'll go up the Bomba 
		with the King's Own Jowls and 
		Cavalancers;  and shake that 
		body !  All this, for you, with 
		me, on The Great Eastern, Nfld's 
		Cultural Magazine.
		
SFX:		THEME UP AND OUT

		The BCN and The Great Eastern 
		are happy, proud, excited, 
		trans-Canadian, and ready to go !  
		Welcome back, everybody!
		
		Now, if you heard our annual 
		Last Saturday in August in 
		Iceland show, you'll know that 
		it ended in a bit of a brouhaha.

		There was a misunderstanding to 
		be sure ... Bjork didn't take my 
		joke in the spirit in which it 
		was meant ... we'll let the 
		lawyers figure that one out, but 
		my detention was momentary, and 
		now I'm back into the conning 
		tower, up on the deck, on the 
		bridge of this fantastic 
		nautical device known as The 
		Great Eastern.  Despite the mix-
		up, I say to all our friends 
		listening on Radio Iceland 
		Rikisutuarp, Ras eh, "Nith 
		huffdum path myug gott, sjaumst 
		ath ari."

		But of course, the good news for 
		today is that, cutbacks and 
		government treachery aside, all 
		negotiations with the 
		Broadcasting Corporation of 
		Canada have ended successfully 
		and we are now heard coast to 
		coast on that network's series 
		of transmitters.
		
		Our confederate partners across 
		this great landscape will be 
		exposed once more to the 
		cultural pulsings of Nfld and 
		The Great Eastern.
		
SFX:		THEME, ESTABLISHES THEN OUT

PAUL:		It's time for Wordworks, our 
		look at things literary.  
		Kathleen Hanrahan returns from 
		her summer hiatus looking, I 
		must say, fabulous.
		
KATHLEEN:	Oh, Paul !

PAUL:		That's a new hair colour, 
		Kathleen ?

KATHLEEN:	Yes I wanted something more ... 
		autumnal?  

PAUL:		Well, it suits you very well.

KATHLEEN:	It's great to be back with you, 
		Paul.

PAUL:		You've scrutinized this fall 
		season's first hot new titles 
		and they're both much talked 
		about books.

KATHLEEN:	First, "Your Psychic Vampyric 
		Slut", by Dr. Sally Rumsey.

PAUL:		To avoid a barrage of letters of 
		outrage we should say that it's 
		"Your", y-o-u-r possessive and 
		not an accusation that our 
		listeners are ... 

KATHLEEN:	All the same, the book posits 
		that there is a Psychic Vampyric 
		Slut in every woman.

PAUL:		And we're happy about this?

KATHLEEN:	Only if we come to understand 
		and love that Psychic Vampyre.

PAUL:		So this is only one ingredient 
		of the psychological cocktail 
		that makes up the fair sex ?

KATHLEEN:	Yes, there's the nurturer, the 
		lover, the sister and so on.

PAUL:		But those books have already 
		been written.

KATHLEEN:	And sold in the millions.

PAUL:		Let's have it then Kathleen, who 
		is the Psychic Vampyric Slut ?

KATHLEEN:	The all estrogen id.  The 
		entirely self obsessed, self 
		gratifying, amoral chick on the 
		loose with your credit cards.

PAUL:		We've met.

KATHLEEN:	This is the part of you that 
		pleasures itself without mind to 
		the consequences. 

PAUL:		The one that claims it's 
		"lesbian experimentation" but it 
		turns out that all the time 
		she's actually sleeping with 
		your best friend, takes half 
		your stuff when she moves out, 
		and the worst, the thing that 
		just drove me nuts, is that she 
		would never put the records back 
		in the sleeves and I come home 
		after she's split and one of her 
		odious cats is sound asleep atop 
		my pristine vinyl copy of Trout 
		Mask Replica ...

KATHLEEN:	Paul ?

PAUL:		That was a collectors item !

KATHLEEN:	Paul?

PAUL:		What?

KATHLEEN:	How was the sex?

PAUL:		Well, Kathleen, you know, it was 
		fantastic.

KATHLEEN:	Know your Psychic Vampyric Slut, 
		and use it, is the message of 
		this book.  Dr. Rumsey isn't 
		advocating women running amok, 
		just having access to and 
		control over that part of them 
		that finds pure pleasure without 
		guilt.  As you can see, it's 
		wonderfully illustrated ...

PAUL:		Mmmm ... I can see ...

KATHLEEN:	And is available from Mowdown 
		House for $27.99.

PAUL:		Thumbs up, then?

KATHLEEN:	So to speak.  Next I have "The 
		Miracle of Economology" by  R. 
		Bennett Manning.

PAUL:		STOP! STOP!  This thing is 
		everywhere, Kathleen.  Most of 
		the staff here in the BCN 
		building are reading it.  When I 
		flew in from Iceland half the 
		people on the plane had it open 
		on their lap.

		It's nothing but economic hokum 
		rolled into some half-arsed 
		self-help feel-good fantasy.  A 
		get rich quick scheme married to 
		some karma-cola mysticism. Does 
		it deserve any more notice?

KATHLEEN:	I've take it that you've read it ?

PAUL:		I don't have to.

KATHLEEN:	You're not being fair, Paul.  
		It's a serious look and the 
		economy and our spiritual lives.

PAUL:		Surely the two are not related.

KATHLEEN:	Why not?

PAUL:		Not you too, Kathleen!

SFX:		PAUL PICKS UP BOOK AND FLIPS 
THROUGH IT

PAUL:		Look at these charts and 
		diagrams, "reductive pulses of 
		public spending" ? "Vitality / 
		tranquillity / liquality" ?   
		what are these? ... lines 
		leading from the intestines to 
		THE MONEY SUPPLY!

KATHLEEN:	It's a little complicated to 
		explain but vibrations spin the 
		economy, stimulating the nodal 
		juices.

PAUL:		Frankly, I think this R. Bennett 
		Manning guy's a kook and 
		Economology a cult.

KATHLEEN:	You're closed to new ideas.

PAUL:		Is that their line?  You're not 
		going to their meetings, I hope.

KATHLEEN:	That's a little personal.

PAUL:		I wish someone would look into 
		this "phenomena" and expose it 
		for what it is.  It's worse than 
		those Buddhists over in Halifax.  
		
KATHLEEN:	That's unfair.  That's the 
		Miracle of Economology, 
		published by The Miracle of 
		Economology Press and retails 
		for $60.00.  All proceeds go to 
		The Centre for the Miracle of 
		Economolgy Foundation. 
		
PAUL:		I bet !  The Millennium 
		approaches, and we brace 
		ourselves for a flood of such 
		pseudo scientific clap trap.  
		Thanks for coming in, Kathleen.

KATHLEEN:	Sure.

PAUL:		Kathleen Hanrahan and Wordworks 
		return soon on The Great 
		Eastern.

		BCN 5 O'Clock News Promo

SFX:		THEME

ANNOUNCER:	The BCN 5 O'clock News at 5:30: 
		news that moves.

Streeter #1:	It's so fast-paced sometimes I 
		don't even notice it's over.

ANNOUNCER:	News with a focus on you.

Streeter #2:	Definitely.  They think of the 
		listener first, then they go for 
		the story.

ANNOUNCER:	News that digs.

Streeter #3:	I used to be relaxed, but now I 
		know I have so much to be 
		afraid of.

ANNOUNCER:	News that impacts hard.

Streeter #1:	It hurts to listen to it -- it 
		really does: that's the kind of 
		news I like.

ANNOUNCER:	The BCN 5 O'Clock News at 5:30, 
		with Rita Malloy.  

RITA:		Today on 5 at 5:30 on 520: 
		Fraser Institute says wide 
		spread joblessness good for 
		economy;  soft on separation 
		Reddy Kilowatt muzzled as Tobin 
		promises "Lights out for la 
		belle province."

		BCN - news for Tomorrow ... 
		Today.

SFX:		THEME OUT

PAUL:		Last week, we were privileged to 
		have Newfoundland trivia expert 
		Rock Hiscock aboard answering 
		queries from listeners.  
		
		Perhaps you remember the one 
		caller who asked whether or not 
		it was true that Ontario Premier 
		Mike Harris had Newfoundland 
		ancestors. 
		
		We are obliged now to make a 
		correction.  
		
		Mr. Harris is not, it turns out, 
		of Newfoundland stock.  And as 
		best we know he and Premier 
		Ralph Klein have an entirely 
		professional relationship.  
		
		The Dorothy mentioned by Rock is 
		not a real person.  Further to 
		that item, there is no 
		association between  Hydro 
		Quebec,  Freemasonry, and the 
		recent conviction of  Mr. Robert 
		Vesco in Havana, Cuba.  
		
		(deep breath, shuffling of 
		papers)  I want to handle this 
		one properly ... 

		Nor is there, now, nor has there 
		been at any time, to our 
		knowledge, a conspiracy 
		involving the major Canadian 
		banks, the Liberal Party of 
		Canada,  The Disney Corporation 
		and the construction of a fixed 
		link to Prince Edward Island.
		
		While it is true that Mr. Ernie 
		Coombs was born in the United 
		States, it was not in Roswell, 
		New Mexico.  
		
		The pattern of Crosses of the 
		Knights Templar appearing on the 
		facade of the CBC Broadcast 
		Centre in Toronto is, we are 
		told, entirely coincidental.  
		
		We at The Great Eastern 
		apologize for these errors and 
		any inconvenience they may have 
		caused.  

SFX:		PROMO THEME

ANNOUNCER:	The Great Eastern, great radio, 
		coast to coast in Nfld, on the 
		Broadcasting Corporation of 
		Nfld, BCN, 520 in the Long Wave.

SFX:		THEME OUT.  CROSS TO PAUL 
WALKING DOWN STAIRWELL

PAUL:		Descending now, deep into the 
		basement of the old BCN building 
		to mine these murky shafts for 
		nuggets from our musty archives.  
		Here he is, the keeper of the 
		vault and Director of Radio here 
		at the BCN, Ish Lundrigan.

ISH:		You make it sound so gloomy, 
		Paul.

PAUL:		What gem from our golden age 
		will illuminate these dark 
		passages ?

ISH:		Well, Paul, the recent news of 
		renewed conflict in Oougubomba 
		got me thinking about a few BCN 
		"firsts."  The station first got 
		into international news coverage 
		to report on the Oougubomba 
		situation starting in the '30s.
		
PAUL:		This would have been coverage of 
		Newfoundland's first colonial 
		... episode on the dark 
		continent -- and, I guess 
		thankfully, her only one, 
		because, I mean, Ish, the whole 
		thing w--.

ISH:		Ya, ya, once, just once, spare 
		us the liberal apology and let 
		history do the talking.

PAUL:		All right.  All right.  So we're 
		going to hear those reports from 
		the `30s then?

ISH:		No, unfortunately the wire 
		recordings were chopped up and 
		used to hang pictures in a 
		building renovation during the 
		war.  Anyway, I found a fine bit 
		of tape from the original 
		lacquered disc from 1940.  
		Here's our International and 
		African report with Dr. Connor 
		Howse.

SFX:		TAPE STARTING, OLD NEWS THEME 
ESTABLISHES

PAUL:		... who I believe was a real 
		Doctor ...

SFX:		NEWS THEME CROSSES FROM RULE 
BRITTANIA TO AFRICAN DRUMMING

ISH:		Oh yes.  Cured my mother of a 
		mysterious illness, actually, 
		right around the time of this 
		show.

NARRATOR:	In 1927, Newfoundland achieves 
		Dominion status. Anxious to 
		share the fruits of Democracy 
		with friends in the 
		Commonwealth, Nfld sends an 
		expeditionary force, headed by 
		the 4th Jowls and Cavalancers 
		Light, to Africa and up the 
		River Bomba.  Here the Sagooni 
		tribe and the Mordecai people of 
		the Eastern Townships struggle 
		for independence from Inner 
		Kanduland.  
		
PAUL:		Give us a break!

ISH:		Shhh!

NARRATOR:		Commander Russell Outerbridge is 
		greeted with native dances and 
		has an audience with Chief 
		BouchBouch of the Sagooni.
		
SFX:		CRACKLING TAPE

OUTERBRIDGE:	Chief BouchBouch, how do you do 
		sir ?  On behalf of the people 
		of the Dominion of Newfoundland, 
		I take great pleasure in 
		presenting you with this gift of 
		hard biscuit.

NARRATOR:		Fierce tribal differences are 
		put aside as the nation unites 
		under the flag of the new 
		territory of Oougubomba, 
		Newfoundland's first colony 
		(continues underneath)

PAUL:		No, that's it, Ish. I'm sorry 
		but ...

ISH:		What?  What?  What?

PAUL:		First, there was no independence 
		movement.  That was a concocted 
		excuse for a pathetic premature 
		imperial ejaculation.

ISH:		Oougubomba was under the yoke of 
		Inner Kanduland tyranny.
		
PAUL:		There was no such thing as 
		Oougubomba until Commander 
		Outerbridge and few other 
		deluded adventurers arbitrarily 
		drew a line on a map.  The 
		Sagooni and Mordeci Peoples 
		despise one another, and 
		Newfoundlanders, to this day.  
		If independence was their 
		"noble" concern why did they 
		colonize the place from the get 
		go ?

ISH:		My Uncle served with the 4th 
		Jowls and Cavalancers and I...

PAUL:		So that's it!

ISH:		And just what qualifies you to 
		pronounce on these matters?

PAUL:		I have a degree in Political 
		Science from MUN.

ISH:		Do you now?

PAUL:		Well ... almost ... I was a 
		couple of credits shy ...

NARRATOR:		... seem pleased with their new 
		Newfoundland tartan skirts.  
		Monsignor Forward, head of the 
		colony's mission, shows the 
		Oougubombans that the garment is 
		to be worn only by the women of 
		the tribe.		

PAUL:		Right, the church. I should have 
		known.

SFX:		TAPE STOPS

ISH:		We did some very good work over 
		there.  If it weren't for the 
		Newfoundland missions, those 
		people would never have learned 
		about freedom and hygiene.
		
PAUL:		Oh, come on, Ish, we were just 
		doing the Brit's dirty work for 
		them, and scamming off as much 
		ivory and betel nuts as we could 
		in the process.  In any case, 
		this upbeat equatorial picnic 
		you've presented us here didn't 
		last very long, did it?

ISH:		I was coming to that.  Here's a 
		much later tape, Dirk Pilgram 
		filing from Oougubomba during 
		the rebellion in 1946. 
		
SFX:		FRENZIED GUNFIRE, TANKS & ETC.

DIRK:		The so-called Oougubomba 
		Freedom Front, or OFF, now 
		surrounds the Capital, 
		Bebopalula.  Reports from the 
		provinces are sketchy, however 
		we know that New Botwood at the 
		headwaters of the Bomba River 
		remains in the control of the 
		16th Jowls and Cavalancers under 
		the command of Colonel Xavier 
		Lundrigan.  What we do not know 
		is to whom Colonel Lundrigan now 
		answers.
		
SFX:		TAPE ENDS

PAUL:		Was that the Uncle you 
		mentioned?

ISH:		Yes, my father's brother.

PAUL:		That's incredible.  I had no 
		idea the Mad Colonel of the 
		Bomba was related to you.

ISH:		Probably one of the credits 
		you're missing.

PAUL:		Went native, 

ISH:		Gone Bomban, as they say around 
		town these days.

PAUL:		That's right !  Established 
		himself as God king.  
		Unfortunately, he was 
		cannibalized by his followers in 
		a religious frenzy in 1952.  But 
		he's still worshipped as a deity 
		in the more remote regions of 
		the Upper Bomba.
		
ISH:		And the national dish still 
		bears his name.  Canada washed 
		its hands of the matter when we 
		joined Confederation, granted 
		them complete independence.
		
PAUL:		Complete independence, ya right.  
		Well, thanks for this, Ish, and 
		see you again soon ...
		
ISH:		In the Vault.

SFX:		THEME "PEG OF MY HEART"

RITA:		Hello, I'm Rita Molloy with some 
		BCN programming highlights.

		At 1:00, bring the kids up 
		Gander Bay way for a visit to 
		Uncle Jack's Shack.  This week, 
		Uncle Jack settles a score by 
		poisoning the well and burning 
		out Warden Coombs.
		
		At 2:00, BCN's sporting duo 
		Puffy Barbour and Toe Rousell 
		take to the links, checking out 
		the province's newest golf 
		course, Glen Gaultois.  Get in a 
		good eleven holes before talking 
		handicap over a rib-eye and rye 
		at the clubhouse.  That's Puffy 
		and Toe, today on Jock and Jill.

		At 4:00, it's Playlets and the 
		first episode of "Please Make It 
		Stop", the much anticipated 
		spin-off of Delbert Onglow's 
		gritty masterpiece, "The Misery 
		That Is My Life."  Today, sullen 
		daughter Brenda's shown the door 
		after selling Mom's medication 
		and Dad's despondent on news 
		that the biopsy's come back ... 
		fausty.  The Fleming are back 
		and it just keeps on getting 
		worse on "Please Make It Stop."

		Cigars and Cocktails are back, 
		and so is BCN's maestro of 
		Mixology, Max "Manhattan" 
		Noftall.  Tonight at 11, break 
		out the Robustos and the 
		bitters, and butter the snake, 
		as Max takes you Downtown for 
		some serious lounging.  You know 
		you love it, Babe!

		A full day of informative and 
		entertaining programming on BCN, 
		520.  All Newfoundland Radio.
		
SFX:		THEME OUT

PAUL:		It's time for our What's That 
		Noise from Nfld Contest, where 
		we challenge you to guess what 
		is that noise from Nfld.  If 
		you're right, we'll send you a 
		BCN or Great Eastern memento 
		from our souvenier kiosk.
		
		Our provincial audience has an 
		unfair advantage over our 
		national listeners for this 
		first week.  But I have faith in 
		you Canadians, and if last 
		year's response to our "sonic 
		posings" is anything to go by, 
		you'll be joining us soon with 
		your e-mails and your letters.
		
		But you'll need something to 
		guess at, won't you ?
		
		Hollis Duffett, hit that noise 
		from Nfld.
		
SFX:		THAT NOISE

		What is that noise from Nfld ?
		
		Well, down in to the mail bag I 
		go, and here's an envelope, 
		postmarked from sunny Little 
		Robespierre on the French shore, 
		the Port au Port peninsula, it's 
		from Delores Aucoin, and Delores 
		writes
		
		"Dear Paul, Is that noise from 
		Newfoundland the Nfld pipes ?"
		
		I'm sorry, Delores, no, it is 
		not Nfld pipes, whatever that 
		is.
		
		Delores continues: "P.S.  Ever 
		since the BCN got that new 
		broadcasting tower we have found 
		the sound quality of your 
		programs has deteriorated.  I'm 
		no expert, so the best I can say 
		is that it is now kind of 
		"tinny".  It drives my husband 
		Walter batty, he says it makes 
		his ears itch on the inside!"
		
		I know the feeling.
		
		"I contributed to the tower 
		bottle drive and don't want to 
		think that all that money was 
		wasted.  I have yet to receive a 
		reply to any of my letters 
		addressed to BCN audience 
		relations (why are they located 
		in Gander?).  Love the show."
		
		Signed, Delores Aucoin, Little 
		Robespierre, Port-au-port.
		
		Ah yes, sorry about that, 
		Delores, but there is no longer 
		a BCN "presence" in Gander.  The 
		office there was shut down in 
		`89.  
		
		I am assured by our technical 
		people that though it may not 
		"seem" to sound as good as 
		before, our broadcast signal is, 
		in fact, of much higher 
		fidelity. ... I've heard a lot 
		of comments like yours, and 
		personally I have to agree.  The 
		signal generated by the new 
		communications array just 
		doesn't have the same ... 
		"warmth" that the signal from 
		our old coal fired transmitter 
		did.
		
		Does that answer your question, 
		Delores ?  We love answering 
		questions on The Great Eastern.
		
		Get your pens and papers ready, 
		if you think you know what that 
		noise from Nfld is I'll give you 
		our contest address right after 
		you hear it one more time.  
		Senor Hollis, por favor.
		
SFX:		THE NOISE

		Enter the What's that Noise From 
		Nfld Contest by writing us care 
		of The Great Eastern, the 
		Broadcasting Corporation of 
		Newfoundland, 342 Duckworth St., 
		St. John's, Nfld., A1C  1H5.
		
PROMO:		University of the Air -- 
		Psychotropics

ANNOUNCER:		Picture yourself on a boat on a 
		river, with tangerine trees and 
		marmalade skies.

THEME:		Vivaldi's 4 Seasons

		This week on University of the 
		Air, Dr. Derm Penney explores 
		pharmacology's happiest 
		accident.  Follow along at home, 
		as our colourful chemist 
		reproduces the notorious Hoffman 
		experiment that changed the 
		world forever.

		Take a psychotropical holiday 
		this Thursday at 10 a.m., when 
		University of the Air becomes 
		shimmering visuals and breathing 
		skin of azure foam tartabull 
		dandelion square root, only on 
		BCNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 520, Thursdays, 
		whatever that means.
		
SFX:		THEME OUT.  GYMNASIUM SOUNDS 
ESTABLISH

PAUL:		So many of the performers that 
		we've met lately on The Great 
		Eastern, be they actors or 
		musicians, seem to have Personal 
		Trainers.
		
		We've decided to see what that's 
		all about.  I'm here at Atlas 
		Pumped, the gym of choice for 
		Newfoundland's show biz set.  
		And I'm decked out in the old 
		ochre and teal t-shirt and 
		shorts of my alma mater, St. 
		Matthew's.  With me is Pamela 
		Meeker, personal trainer and 
		fitness consultant to many of 
		our stars.
		
PAM:		Hey.

PAUL:		Yo, hey Pam. 

PAM:		You ready to sweat? 

PAUL:		Always.

PAM:		You're pumped!

PAUL:		I am !

PAM:		Now what are you looking for 
		Paul?

PAUL:		I don't know, biceps like yours 
		would be nice.

PAM:		Think fitness first. Improved 
		respiration.  Greater endurance.

PAUL:		It's true that I am usually 
		quite baffed after the show.

PAM:		O.k., we'll start you on a 
		beginner's routine.  First, 
		though Paul, your current 
		physical condition.
		
PAUL:		Isn't that painfully obvious?

PAM:		I want to compare your mass to 
		your displacement.  That'll tell 
		us what percentage of your body 
		weight is fat.  Okay, up on the 
		scales.  And you are ...		

PAUL:		Let's just keep that between 
		ourselves, Pam.

PAM:		And now it's off to the tank.

PAUL:		(laughs) It's like a giant 
		beaker.

SFX:		HUGE SPLASH

PAUL:		Looking glum, Pam.

PAM:		Well, the percentage of your 
		body that's fat is pretty high.

SFX:		LIGHT SPLASHING CONTINUES 
THROUGHOUT

PAUL:		It's a continual battle for me.

PAM:		(ironic) Really ?

PAUL:		Ya, this summer, though, I gave 
		up everything except sauces.

PAM:		Sauces ?

PAUL:		I cheated once or twice, but on 
		the whole, you know, Mornay, 
		Bearnaise, Hollandaise, chip 
		dip.  Oh, and relishes, too, 
		chutneys, pickles, tapanade ... 
		did I say chip dip ?

PAM:		Just sauces.

PAUL:		Ya, I'd skip the food and just 
		have liquids instead ... you 
		know ... a couple of bowls of 
		sauce.   Is that bad?
		
PAM:		Well, I think a lot of the fat 
		is in the sauces.

PAUL:		Really !  That's a great tip.  
		Comin' in has been worth it 
		already.  What say I towel off 
		now and we just go pump some 
		iron?

SFX:		CROSS TO WEIGHT ROOM SOUNDS UP

PAM:		O.k., this is the main pumping 
		area.

PAUL:		You've graciously provided me 
		with a pair of Atlas Pumped 
		shorts and matching t-shirt.
		
PAM:		You look great.

PAUL:		You think?  I find the shorts 
		ride a little high.

PAM:		It'll keep you motivated.

PAUL:		Indeed.  Now, Pam, there are a 
		lot of people here today, a lot 
		of scantily clad people, wrapped 
		tightly in lycra and spandex 
		revealing as they pump pump pump 
		pump their lithe athletic forms, 
		their taut loins, their firm 
		....

PAM:		Are you asking me a question?

PAUL:		Yes, yes of course, a .... 
		right.  Pam, what's the exercise 
		room etiquette about ... 
		looking?  

PAM:		Looking, Paul?

PAUL:		Ya, I mean, suppose your gaze 
		were to fall, inadvertently mind 
		you, on say those ... that ...  
		insignia over there, that ... 
		
PAM:		Insignia?

PAUL:		Ya, there's a letter "N" and a 
		small "e".  I can't see the 
		middle letters.  Oh there they 
		are!  Oh they're gone again.  
		Ooooh there they are ....

PAM:		Oh, the Nike logo.

PAUL:		Nike?

PAM:		You know the third-world-child-
		labour-athletic-footwear-and-
		apparel-people.

PAUL:		Right. Just do it.

PAM:		I'd say looking at that logo  
		would be crossing the line, 
		Paul.  It's impossible not to 
		look, inadvertently as you say, 
		but exercise discretion.

PAUL:		That's a lot to ask in here, 
		Pam.

PAM:		You'll get used to it.  Once you 
		start working out, the body 
		you're concentrating on is your 
		own.

PAUL:		Been there.

SFX:		THEY WALK

		Now, Pam, you have numerous 
		exercise devices here, ones you 
		pull on, ones you push, ones 
		that pull you, weird rowing 
		machines, all for different 
		muscle groups, I'm guessing, 
		Pam?

PAM:		That's right.  But over here we 
		have a new generation of cruel 
		yet ingenious body-shaping 
		devices.  They exercise complex 
		groups of muscles.  This is our 
		latest addition:  it's called a 
		Navel Winch.

PAUL:		(serious) I hope you're not 
		proposing that I get in that 
		thing?

PAM:		That's what it's all about.

PAUL:		I had a bad experience some 
		years ago on the prairies and 
		you see ...

PAM:		Come on.  Just put your foot in 
		here.

PAUL:		Why, Pam, you are a bold one!

PAM:		And I strap your chest down 
		here.

PAUL:		I used to play a game just like 
		this with Shirley Jones... 

PAM:		You want to give me the 
		microphone ....

PAUL:		Ah, ok ...

PAM:		And this bar goes here ...

PAUL:		(breathing growing heavier)  Ah 
		... Pam ... Pam ... 
		claustrophobic ... Pam ... 
		Saskatchewan, the lights, it's 
		coming back, hay fever, too much 
		Benedryl, need sleep,  visitors 
		from skies, DON'T PROBE ME!
		
PAM:		Just relax !  Breathe deeply, 
		now !  I'll put it on a low 
		setting.  Get you used to the 
		feel.

SFX:		CLANGS, FLESH BEING STRETCHED TO 
TOLERANCE

PAUL:		AHHHHHHH!  AHHHHHHHH!

PAM:		Breathe and push as you exhale!

PAUL:		(as exhaling) God help me.

PAM:		Great!  Don't stop breathing 
		yet.  Go for it!

PAUL:		(again) God help me.

PAM:		Two more.

PAUL:		Please Pam.

PAM:		One more.

PAUL:		(weepy cries of desperation)

PAM:		There you go.

PAUL:		Whew! (proud of himself) Now 
		that's what I call a workout.

PAM:		Ok, next it's the Abductor.  A 
		great machine.

PAUL:		What do you mean "next"?  You do 
		more than one machine per visit?

PAM:		You have to do a complete cycle 
		of machines, Paul.  Get all the 
		muscle groups.

PAUL:		And how many weeks before I've 
		got that rippled stomach and 
		those rock hard buttocks of 
		yours ?
		
PAM:		You shouldn't look at this as a 
		goal-oriented activity.  You got 
		to make it part of your 
		lifestyle if you want any real 
		improvement.

PAUL:		Part of my lifestyle!  Please, 
		Pam, don't toy with me,  I can't 
		be comin' in here for the rest 
		of my living days.  Pam Meeker, 
		thanks for the togs, and thanks 
		for showing us around Atlas 
		Pumped, gym of choice for the 
		artistic set.

PAM:		Think it over.

PAUL:		Ya, sure.  Now the showers, Pam?  
		The "looking" question ... ?

SFX:		GYM OUT

PAUL:		It seems like only last week we 
		were talking to you, my Canadian 
		compatriot, but do you know it`s 
		been over a year?
		
		Something was not right ... you 
		weren't there to talk to.  And I 
		missed that.  I missed your 
		jolly good humour, your wacky 
		notions about what it is to be, 
		and to be from, a Nflder.
		
		But, we're back together.  The 
		Great Eastern once more plows 
		your airwaves.
		
		And you know something, I'm glad 
		you're back.  I'm glad I'm back.
		
		I'm glad once more that you 
		invite me and the people who 
		make up our "cultural duff" into 
		your life.  Nfld can serve as a 
		petri dish for Canada.  We have 
		many cultures that collide 
		within the confines of our 
		island home.  Peoples who have 
		been enemies in other times and 
		other places.
		
		Yet here, I don't know what it 
		is, there isn't that much 
		sectarian and ethnic strife.  
		
		Not like you have in Quebec, 
		say, or Manitoba.  Are we lucky 
		?  Or what ?  In any event, I'm 
		immensely pleased we'll be in 
		this weekly time slot.
		
		Now, I know there's been some 
		talk recently in the papers that 
		I'm being groomed as a successor 
		for that uniquely Canadian 
		institution, Peter Gzowski.
		
		Well, let me be the first to 
		scotch that notion.
		
		If there are discussions ongoing 
		in this regard, then I am not 
		aware of them.
		
		I'm not directly or seriously 
		considering this or any offer 
		that may or may not, now, or in 
		the future, here, or wherever, 
		be in the cards on the table.
		
		Frankly, I thought Ian Brown was 
		a shoe-in before ... that 
		happened.
		
		I want you to know ... that I'm 
		happy doing what I am.  I'm 
		happy, where I am.
		
		Welcome back, Canada.
		
SFX:		OUT THEME

PAUL:		The Great Eastern is broadcast 
		live from the studios of the 
		Broadcasting Corporation of 
		Newfoundland on Duckworth St. in 
		the city of legends, St. John's.  
		Our engineer for today's show 
		was Hollis Duffett, and the 
		Director of Radio at the BCN is 
		Ish Lundrigan.
		
		We'd love to hear from you, what 
		you thought about the show, any 
		questions or answers you may 
		have.  Why don't you drop us a 
		line at 342 Duckworth St., St. 
		John's, Nfld., A1C  1H5.  Or 
		send us e-mail.  That address is 
		greateastern@stjohns.cbc.ca.
		
		My name is Paul Moth.  Join us 
		again next Saturday for The 
		Great Eastern, Nfld's cultural 
		magazine.
		
SFX:		THEME OUT
Page 40 of 41		THE GREAT EASTERN - "THE FIRST"