PAUL:	He’s here in town, preparing, as 
	he does every year, for his 
	seasonal gig in Quebec.  We at 
	the Great Eastern are pleased to 
	welcome to the show, Bonhomme 
	Carnival.

BONHOMME:	Bonjour, Paul.

PAUL:	You spend every January and 
	February here in Newfoundland.  
	You train hard.  Because I 
	understand the carnival is an 
	incredibly arduous gig.

BONHOMME:	I’m ... gratify to hear you say 
	that, I have been ... people 
	have complain, they say: “it is 
	only three week work every 
	year”; “all he have to do is 
	wave and drink”; ”he come in 
	here, smash up the place and 
	have sex with my wife we are 
	from Utah ...”  all dat.

PAUL:	But few realize that, in fact, 
	you carry the burden of being 
	Bonhomme Carnival, all year 
	round.

BONHOMME:	Everyday.

PAUL:	It must be horrible.

BONHOMME:	You are everybody friend during 
	Carnival and then afterward you 
	are no better than dirt.
	
PAUL:	A freakish mistake of nature.  
	You’re from Brittany?

BONHOMME:	Oui, we are Breton.

PAUL:	You say we.

BONHOMME:	Oui?

PAUL:	No, “we”  ... you and others.

BONHOMME:	It is an awkward language, 
	French.

PAUL:	True ... all those gender things 
	and none of the music of say 
	Italian ... I digress ... when 
	you say “we” I assume you are 
	referring to your siblings ...
	
BONHOMME:	(spits)

PAUL:	... The Michelin man and ...

BONHOMME:	Don’t say ‘is name.

PAUL:	I understand it is hard for you 
	to talk about this.

BONHOMME:	I have not spoken to my brother, 
	L’Homme Michelin in twenty-two 
	year.

PAUL:	Why the break?

BONHOMME:	Few people know that our act was 
	originally “Les Hommes 
	Michelin”.

PAUL:	The Michelin Men.

BONHOMME:	C’est vrai.  We would do all the 
	auto show, people they loved us 
	and then behind my back he cut 
	from the deal! 

PAUL:	What did you do?

BONHOMME:	What could I do.  A large puffy 
	white fellow from Brittany ...
	
PAUL:	If I might interject, you’re 
	family all suffer from ... ?

BONHOMME:	Le “pouf-pouf”, it is a 
	syndrooome.

PAUL:	Please continue.

BONHOMME:	I ‘ad no job, no prospect, I 
	work for a creme glace business 
	for some month but the money was 
	not good.  Then I see the ad in 
	the paper, The Carnival in 
	Quebec was looking for a mascot.

PAUL:	Your brother was upset with this 
	career move.

BONHOMME:	He said I was turning my back on 
	France.  We fought bitterly and 
	then ... I left.	

PAUL:	And now all these years in 
	Quebec.

BONHOMME:	It is like a prison sentence.  
	(starts to weep) I miss France, 
	I miss my family ....

PAUL:	Bonhomme, I don’t know whether 
	it’s appropriate for us to ... 
	spring this on you, but here, 
	today, in the Studio ...

SFX:	DOOR OPENS

MICHELIN:	BONHOMME!

BONHOMME:	MICHELIN! 

SFX:	HUGGING, KISSING, BACK SLAPPING, 
ETC

PAUL:	(a little choked up)  This is so 
	beautiful.  

MICHELIN:	I am sorry, Bonhomme, I was 
	wrong.

BONHOMME:	Ah ... I ‘ad to find my own way 
	in this crazy mix - up world.

MICHELIN:	You look good.

BONHOMME:	I was losing some weight but ... 
	with the gig I went right back 
	on the poutine.

PAUL:	So you have to keep the extra 
	pounds on.

M&B:	Oui, oui ...

MICHELIN:	A skinny, white puffy ... it is 
	unthinkable.

BONHOMME:	A scandal.

PAUL:	But, I feel I must bring this 
	up.  There is a third brother.

silence.

PAUL:	Living in the United States.  
	Working, like yourselves, in 
	show business.

silence.

PAUL:	I speak, of course, of the 
	Pillsbury Dough Boy.

MICHELIN:	IS ‘E ‘ERE ?  I WILL CUT ‘IS 
T’ROAT !

BONHOMME:	WHY DO YOU TORMENT HIM ?

PAUL:	YOU CAN’T RUN FROM THE TRUTH !

MICHELIN:	‘E IS A DISGRACE TO THE 
TRADITION OF ALL FRENCH 
PATISSERIE !  I WILL KILL HIM!

PAUL:	Please, please, settle down.

SFX:	SLOW SETTLING

PAUL:	The nature of the pastry he 
	endorses, then, is the root of 
	your disagreement.

BONHOMME:	More, so much more.

MICHELIN:	‘E deny ‘is French roots, ‘e 
	‘umiliate all with Le 
	Syndroooome Pouf-Pouf.

BONHOMME:	‘E has no dignity.

PAUL:	And he’s on the line from 
	Decatur, Illinois.

PILSBURY:	I’m embarrassed to be related to 
	you pathetic worms ... 

BONHOMME:	We will never forget the shame.

PILSBURY:	I am proud to be an American and 
	I’m proud of the television and 
	print work I’ve done.

BONHOMME:	This pastry you speak for, it 
	‘as no flavour, no texture, it 
	is ...

PILSBURY:	Give it a rest.  The days of 
	labour intensive, neighbourhood 
	pastry manufacture are over.  
	The fresh baguette, the 
	croissant ... they’re artifacts.
	
MICHELIN:	Say it isn’t true.

BONHOMME:	Don’t listen to him, Michelin!

PILSBURY:	The truth hurts.

BONHOMME:	C’est vrai, so you mus’ accept 
	that you have not been seen 
	lately on television.

PILSBURY:	Don’t mess with me, Bonhomme!

BONHOMME:	You are living in a dream world 
	!  You are a dough “boy” no 
	more.

PILSBURY:	Gasp!

MICHELIN:	You are old and ugly.

BONHOMME:	And there few prospect for a 
	dough “man.”

PILSBURY:	(weeping) It’s true, the phone 
	never rings anymore, unless it’s 
	for some game show, they’ve 
	abandoned me.

BONHOMME:	Come home, dough boy .... come 
	home.

PAUL:	(choking back the tears)  This 
	is so beautiful.

SFX:	ALL WEEPING

	This is a fabulous radio moment.  
	So happy when we can bring 
	people together.  Bonhomme, 
	Michelin, and Pilsbury.

Page 9 of 9	BONHOMME CARNIVAL INTERVIEW - SHOW # 19