PAUL:	As Marshall McCluhan said, “57 
	Channels and nothing on”, and 
	with that cautionary note ...

HECTOR:	...ah Paul ...

PAUL:	Yes, Hector?

HECTOR:	Never mind, Paul.

PAUL:	We welcome television critic 
	Hector Penfold with his choice 
	picks from a new season of 
	televisual pulses.  Is TV 
	getting any better, Hector, or 
	is there simply more of it?

HECTOR:	I’d say that more choice is 
	always better.

PAUL:	Do you really think?  We here 
	in Newfoundland now get 
	upwards of 11 channels.  I 
	find just flicking from 
	service to service I fall into 
	a trance state, hours go by, I 
	come to feeling all clammy and 
	spent.

HECTOR:	We get much more than 11 
	channels.

PAUL:	There’s only twelve stations 
	on the dial.

HECTOR:	You don’t have a converter?

PAUL:	A what?

HECTOR:	And I don’t know why you would 
	feel compelled to continually 
	graze over the channels.  Why 
	don’t you just find a show you 
	like and watch it ?

PAUL:	For most of my adult life I’ve 
	been overcome by the sensation 
	that I’m missing something.
	
HECTOR:	I can believe that, Paul.

PAUL:	Let’s talk about the new TV 
	season.  Is it a case of more 
	clones of earlier programs to 
	look forward to ?

HECTOR:	Not clones, Paul.  This year 
	it’s hybrids.

PAUL:	Like?

HECTOR:	Zagner television has “A Thing 
	in Kensington.”  It’s a hybrid 
	of the X-Files and The King of 
	Kensington.  A happy go lucky 
	chump running a Toronto 
	grocery and his multi-ethnic 
	friends investigate para-
	normal activities in Southern 
	Ontario.

PAUL:	Where better .. may I add that 
	having lived the experience 
	it’s always a puzzle to me why 
	people would watch a show like 
	the X-Files by choice.  But 
	King of Kensington, now there 
	was a funny show ... shall we 
	hear a clip of this new 
	“hybrid”.

DUKE:	I’ll just put this salami in 
	the fridge.

WIFE:	Duke, no!

SFX:	FRIDGE OPENS.

DUKE:	Yoooo!  Look at the size of 
	deez eggs.

SFX:	EGG DROPS AND CRACKS.  LAUGH 
TRACK.

KING:	Oh no, the aliens!

DUKE:	ARGGGHHHHHHH!

SFX:	SLURPING SOUNDS.

KING:	Honey, they’re sucking out the 
	Duke’s brains.

WIFE:	They’re not sucking out his 
	brains, dear, (whispers) 
	that’s how they make ... 
	“whoopie”.

SFX:	LAUGH TRACK.

KING:	How would you know? ... 
	ARRGGGGHHH.

PAUL:	That’s good.

HECTOR:	It’s a tremendous program.  
	Another much anticipated 
	hybrid is NBC’s  “Death Watch: 
	Friends On The Street.”  It’s 
	about a group of young people 
	living together on the beach 
	in Southern California ...

PAUL:	Everyone going around in 
	bathing suits then?

HECTOR:	You got it.

PAUL:	I like that in a television 
	show.  The twist is ...?

HECTOR:	They’re all serial killers.

PAUL:	Let’s hear some.

SFX:	LAPPING WAVES, BEACH SOUNDS.  
A COUPLE OF PEOPLE GRUNT FROM 
EXERTION AND THEN DROP A heavy 
SACK.

GUY:	OK, who’s got the shovel?

GAL:	I thought you brought it.

GUY:	I thought you brought it.

SFX:	LAUGH TRACK.

GAL:	Let’s go to the coffee shop, 
	someone there is bound to have 
	a shovel.

GUY:	OK, you want to make out 
	first.

GAL:`	OK.

SFX:	SMOOCHING.

GUY:	Uh-oh.  Mr. Naughty says I’m 
	in love.

SFX:	LAUGH TRACK.

PAUL:	I’m a bit of an observer of 
	“things written”, and with the 
	technical complexity evidenced 
	here, I’ll wager “Death Watch: 
	Friends on The Street” is 
	going to be a hit!  

HECTOR:	I concur.  Outside of drama, 
	there’s an enormous number of 
	new information programs this 
	year ....

PAUL:	Where is all this new 
	information coming from?

HECTOR:	I didn’t mean “new-
	information”, I meant 
	information programs that are 
	“new”.

PAUL:	Right.  So the information is 
	old?

HECTOR:	Some of it ... I guess ... 
	yeah, whatever.

PAUL:	Oh I’m sorry.  What should we 
	be on the look-out for in 
	information programming ?

HECTOR:	The CBC’s gambling on “Big 
	Lie” with Saul Hickey.

PAUL:	Wasn’t he in a band?

HECTOR:	A couple.  The Corp is 
	obviously looking for 
	something new and hip and 
	young.

PAUL:	In rock n’ roll?

HECTOR:	“Big Lie” has funky interviews 
	and features about pop-
	culture.

PAUL:	Ya ... funky.  I guess my 
	interview technique is rather 
	... conventional.  I ask a 
	question, usually written down 
	on paper, and I try to remain 
	focused so I’ll know where 
	we’re heading.  How do I funk 
	up an interview?

HECTOR:	The producers of “Big Lie” are 
	relying on shaky hand held 
	camera and exotic sets that 
	have no context.  It’s 
	fantastic.  I don’t know 
	radio.

PAUL:	The blind medium ... alas.  
	Clip?

HECTOR:	Yep.

SFX:	ELECTRONIC MUSIC

SAUL:	So just why do CSIS keep Gerta 
	Munsinger’s underwear.

CSIS:	If you ... saw the 
	undergarments ... you’d 
	understand.

SAUL:	It’s sort of like Stompin’ Tom 
	meets the musical ride.

CSIS:	What?

SAUL:	Thanks for this.  Next, 
	Alannis Morrisette takes me 
	... to the movies!

PAUL:	Talented young Canadian, that 
	Alannis.  I really enjoyed her 
	last picture, but I don’t 
	really see her as Anne of 
	Green Gables (bitterly 
	insincere).  So much to talk 
	about, so much tv to look at, 
	but we are, sadly, out of 
	time.  In conclusion, good 
	Hector?

PAUL GETS THE CHORTLES AND 
SNICKERS IN THE NEXT BIT

HECTOR:	Well, Paul, I’m not alone 
	among critics in thinking that 
	television is finally living 
	up to its promise.  It seems 
	that the tube can provide an 
	almost unlimited supply of the 
	highest quality entertainment 
	and information, and thus 
	deserves to be considered as 
	seriously as any other medium.
	
PAUL:	CAN HOLD IT NO LONGER AND 
BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.

PAUL:	Ya, I’ve often thought that 
	America’s Funniest Home Videos 
	and Hard Copy are the true 
	heirs to the tradition forged 
	by Paddy Chayefsky, Dennis 
	Potter and Quinn Martin.  
	Thank you, Hector Penfold.
	
HECTOR:	The NRTC turned down 
	applications for an Amphibian 
	Newtwork ...

PAUL:	A what?

HECTOR:	An Amphibian Network, A Men’s 
	Network

PAUL:	Stupid idea anyway.

HECTOR:	The BCN’s radio on television 

PAUL:	We all feel a little beat up 
	on that one.

HECTOR:	Shoe Box.

PAUL:	What’s that?

HECTOR:	I never really understood the 
	application, it was all about 
	shoes, people wearing shoes, 
	shoe highlights from movies, 
	late night foot features ...

PAUL:	You’re kidding.

HECTOR:	No, I’m serious.  I don’t get 
	it.

PAUL:	Why hadn’t I heard of this.  I 
	mean this fills a need.  
	(pause)  Did they have a reel?

HECTOR:	I think so.

PAUL:	You don’t have it, do you?

HECTOR:	I could get it.

PAUL:	Would you.