GE 1996-7 Season 3 Episode 21: Ice Fishing Journal
Note: this is not a transcript, but a working draft of the script, so there may be differences in the aired version.
PAUL: “When ponds freeze over we
shorten our runs.” Though the
mercury has been up and down
like a yo-yo since Christmas,
word is there’s at least a
foot and half of ice on the
ponds. And this is a lure not
many Nflders can deny. It’s
time to don the thermals, wax
up the exposed extremities and
dig out the auger from under
that bloody useless old canoe.
It’s time to convene a meeting
of the old lads league, “da
bys”. It’s time to mind your
hole. This is my ice fishing
journal.
SFX: MICROPHONE CROSSES TO HAND
HELD. GERRY’S BASEMENT
GERRY: Don’t forget the worms.
BILL: Yes, the worms, got it.
PAUL: I’m in the basement ...
GERRY: The recreation and utility
area.
PAUL: I’m in the recreation and
utility area of my pal Gerry’s
house. Joining us, for the
first time in a while, is Bill
Murphy. It is good to see
you, Bill
BILL: Grunt.
PAUL: Ger’s got the windows taped
up, the doors nailed shut, and
the lamps down low. Secrecy
is paramount.
The map is spread out over the
ping-pong table.
Our destination - the little
known and trout filled deeps
of Skin Cabin Pond.
Those zones of the monstrous
loch known by very few to
harbour fishes of legendary
proportions.
GERRY: Arce you done now, Paul.
BILL: It’s really a secret now,
Paul, you stund arsehole.
PAUL: We’re ready for an expedition
confab on how to get there.
BILL: I figure we can get the Duster
up as far as here.
PAUL: You think the Duster will get
up an old woods road ?
GERRY: The snow’s packed down pretty
hard now.
BILL: You get up a bit of speed on
the approach, buddy, you can
make the Duster just ski right
over the top.
PAUL: You think ?
GERRY: As long as you don’t stop, you
got ‘er scald.
BILL That’ll get us up as far as
The Lucifer Gullies, we can
walk in from there.
PAUL: That’s a bit of a hike.
GERRY: Naaah, it’s a straight line.
The ponds are frozen.
BILL It just looks a lot longer on
the map, is all.
PAUL: You guys are the woodsmen.
Once we get there, what of
shelter ?
GERRY: I’m gonna build us an ice-
house.
PAUL: What, like an igloo ?
GERRY: Yeah, I saw them building one
on the Discovery Channel, no
sweat, Paul.
PAUL: You sure about this ? What do
you think, Bill ?
BILL: Prison changes a man.
PAUL: ... ah ... I guess ... it
does.
GERRY: Crack of dawn tomorrow,
gentlemen.
BILL: Do you think I could stay here
tonight, Ger ?
GERRY: (doubtful) Yeah ... sure.
SFX: CROSS TO RESTAURANT AMBIANCE
PAUL: Ahhh, the traditional truck
stop, halfway down the highway
to Skin Cabin Pond, the time
and place to put on the old
feed bag.
GERRY: (to WAITRESS:ress) I’ll have
the pea soup. Does that have
dumplings ?
WAITRESS: Yes.
GERRY: Okay, the soup, and a hot
turkey sandwich and a piece of
partridgeberry pie. And ...
oh! can I have a cheese
burger as well ?
WAITRESS: Yo ...
GERRY: Oh, and could you put a fried
egg on the cheese burger.
PAUL: Do you have any salads of any
kind ?
WAITRESS: There’s cole slaw.
PAUL: Hmmm. Pea soup, then.
pause.
PAUL: Hungry are you, Ger?
GERRY: You want to put a good stog on
before going up in the woods.
PAUL: I guess. Where’s Bill?
GERRY: I think he ... ah ... nipped
into the ... ah ... lounge.
PAUL: Oh, ... I thought he was off
the ... no hey ?
WAITRESS: Here’s your soup. So, what
are you lads up to ?
PAUL: We’re going to get in some
ice-fishing.
WAITRESS: Where’re you heading, handsome
?
PAUL: Huh ... well ... heheheh ...
we were going to go down to
...
GEL: Whoa whoa whoa, there Paul.
That’ll be all, missy, thank
you very much.
WAITRESS: If you’re heading down to Skin
Cabin Pond, you got to watch
out for the Arsewan hydro
diversion, they’re flooding
hundreds of secret temples ...
GERRY: (Interrupts WAITRESS:ress )
Ah ahh ah ah ... that’s
enough. Thank you thank you
thank you.
PAUL: Gerry, she was just being
friendly.
GERRY: Oh yea sure. That’s how they
find out, Paul, find out where
the secret places are.
PAUL: What do you mean, “her” secret
places ?
GERRY: No, no, the pond.
PAUL: Sorry, sorry, I guess I was
just thinking with my ... no
no no.
SFX: INSIDE CAR, APPROACHING WOODS
ROAD. VEHICLE IS SHAKING,
BREAKING UP UNDER THE PRESSURE
BILL: (slightly drunk) Give ‘er,
Ger!
PAUL: (breathing heavily) You sure
this is ok ?
GERRY: Shut-up, Paul.
BILL: It’s a physical phenomena, is
called, wha’s it called? ...
something planing. She just
skates right o’er top of the
snow.
GERRY: The friction from the rapid
rotation of the tires creates
a thin layer of water on top
of the frozen snow crust.
BILL: She just skates away. You can
travel for miles. GIVE ‘ER
GERRRRRREEEEEY!
PAUL: Miles ?
BILL: GIVE ‘ER !
ALL: WHOOOOOOOOAH !
SFX: EXTERIOR. CAR WHEELS SPIN IN
SNOW. STOPS. CAR DOOR OPEN
AND CLOSE. CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS
IN SNOW
GERRY: She won’t move.
BILL: You stunned arsehole, I told
you not to let up on the gas.
GERRY: Don’t blame me. Paul’s the
one who grabbed the wheel ...
PAUL: I thought we’d miss the turn !
BILL: Schmmmack ! God my mouth is
so dry.
PAUL: What are we going to do ?
GERRY: We’ll have to head in.
PAUL: Don’t you have a coat, Bill ?
BILL: I’m fine. You watch out for
yourself.
PAUL: It must be 20 below, you’ll
freeze to death.
BILL: And wouldn’t that be a great
loss. Come on, let’s go.
GERRY: You got the worms ?
BILL: DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE G.D.
WORMS !
SFX: CROSS TO HOWLING WIND
PAUL: Cripes, it’s cold.
GERRY: Here you go, boys.
BILL: That’s it ?
GERRY: What’s wrong with it ?
BILL: That’s not a snow-house,
that’s what I believe we used
to call a snow-fort, WHEN WE
WERE 10 YEARS OLD.
SFX: RACKET BREAKS OUT
PAUL: BOYS ! BOYS ! STOP IT ! We
have to stick together if we
want to survive. It’s not ...
too bad. Let’s just get
inside and see what it’s like.
SFX: CROSS TO INSIDE
PAUL: See, Bill, its not that ...
rough.
GERRY: I think its fine.
SFX: BILL GOING THROUGH BAG
BILL: Oh ya, its just peachy, this
is so much fun. Ah, here we
are.
SFX: BOTTLE OPENED AND DOWNED
PAUL: Ahhh, settling in to the old
ice-house, contemplating a day
... or long night now, or
trouting on the morrow !
A now a little first for the
boys. And for the country,
it’s time to play the what’s
that noise from nfld. This’ll
be a little tricky, working
the two machines.
SFX: FART
BILL: How’s about that for a noise
from Nfld, Paul ? He he he.
PAUL: Oh boys, come on, don’t be so
childish.
GERRY: Guess where that came from ?
PAUL: Boys ...
BILL: Pea soup hahahahahaha.
GERRY: That’s the sound of Nfld Pea
Soup. Hahahahahahaha.
PAUL: Look, if you guys aren’t
prepared to be serious, if
you’re going to be so
juvenile, then I won’t play
what’s that noise from Nfld.
BILL: Oh come on, Paul, we were only
kidding.
GERRY: Yes, boy, Paul, go on, go on,
play the game.
PAUL: If you guys aren’t going to
...
BILL: No, no, we had our laugh,
Paul.
GLEN: Go on and do it.
PAUL: Okay, what’s that noise from
Nfld, take two.
A little surprise now for the
lads here in the ice house on
Skin Cabin Pond, and for you
warm at home. It’s time to
take the What’s That Noise
from Nfld Contest in situ, out
in to the wild ...
SFX: FART
That’s it.
BILL: Hehehehehehe. There’s that
noise from Nfld again.
Hehehehehe.
GERRY: Hahahahahaha.
BILL: It just slipped out.
PAUL: If you guys aren’t prepared to
... oh god, what a stink !
SFX: HARD CUT
SFX: AUGER THROUGH ICE. THREE LADS
FROZEN
GERRY: Strange ... the ice is thinner
here.
PAUL: Odd, hey.
GERRY: Well, you’re all rigged up,
Paul.
PAUL: Great ... oh, I need a few
worms.
BILL: (with mouth full of worms)
Here you go.
PAUL: Argghhhhhh. Oh my god !
GERRY: What’s wrong ?
PAUL: Bill, you ... you’ve got
worms in your mouth.
BILL: You got to keep them in your
mouth.
GERRY: They remain vital.
PAUL: I’d ... not heard that.
SFX: CROSS TO INSIDE OF IGLOO.
WIND HOWLS OUTSIDE. TINY BELL
RINGS
GERRY: That’s yours, Paul.
PAUL: You sure ? I think it’s
Bill’s.
BILL: I know my hole.
SFX: RINGING MORE INSISTENT
GERRY: Sounds like a fair size trout
there, Paul.
PAUL: Okay, okay.
SFX: PAUL LEAVES IGLOO
PAUL: Ah, ice fishing with the boys.
The vast frozen interior of
Newfoundland. Barren,
seemingly lifeless now, under
a blanket of snow, and yet
this area is home to caribou
and moose, to fox and snowshoe
hare, forbidding to man and
yet ... let’s see, Mr. Trout,
oww this feels like a beauty
...
SFX: CREAKING AND CRACKING OF ICE
SURFACE
PAUL: If I could just ...
SFX: THE ICE BREAKS. PAUL’S
SCREAMS OF DESPERATION. WATER
SPLASHING, ETC. AND SUDDENLY
SILENCE
CUT TO:
GERRY: ... suppose it is. Look at
this, the tape machine started
up. (reads) Krupps
Recordengroupen Aufgahmein-
shultzundschnitzel Gmbh.
Excellent gear. How does he
look ?
BILL: He’s not going to make it.
His pulse is really slow. His
breathing is laboured, and his
head is ice cold. Just feel.
GERRY: That’s where he’s got that
metal plate in his head.
BILL: Right.
GERRY: What are we going to do, Bill?
BILL: “What are we going to do
Bill?” I know one thing, I’m
not carrying him out. First
things first, a drinky-pooh.
PAUL: (through chattering teeth)
arggggghhhhhh.
GERRY: That’s promising.
BILL: Death rattle.
GERRY: It might help if we got him
out of those wet clothes.
BILL: Knock yourself out, Ger.
SFX: CROSS TO LATER IN EVENING.
BILL SNORES
GERRY: You gave me a fright, Paul. I
didn’t think you’d make it.
PAUL: Man, I was right back in the
desert.
GERRY: Wha ?
PAUL: First, when I went
unconscious, I was in Mexico.
Then there was this light, and
I went to it, and it’s a lamp,
Detective Agnew, and he’s
asking me questions.
GERRY: That was your life flashing
before your eyes.
PAUL: And so unpleasant.
GERRY: No one said it would be easy.
PAUL: Yes, they did. They said if
you worked hard and were
honest and ...
GERRY: When you’re right you’re
right.
PAUL: Besides your life is great.
You’ve got Sharon and the
kids.
GERRY: Had.
PAUL: Oh no.
GERRY: She left me again. And those
kids. I’m sure one of ‘em is
Bill’s.
PAUL: Little Trevor ? The one with
the spider web tattoo on his
face ?
GERRY: Yeah. You know, Paul, I’ve
always had a hard time
communicating with women.
With Sharon, I’d try talking
to her, but she would just sit
there, staring at me, not
saying a word, sometimes for
weeks. I find being with men
much easier. I sometimes
think that maybe ... What do
you think about men, being ...
together ?
PAUL: Sometimes I think about women
being together and it gives me
a warm feeling ... where are
you going with this, Ger ?
GERRY: Hey, Paul, it’s not that!
I’ve just been reading some
stuff, you know men’s
movement.
BILL: THAT’S IT, GERRY! Stop right
there. I’m a pretty liberal
fellow, right, you know that,
but I will not suffer any of
this men’s movement b.s.
GERRY: I’m just trying to figure out
who I am.
BILL: You’re an arsehole. Question
answered. Go to sleep.
GERRY: At least I’m not an ex-con.
At least I have prospects.
BILL: You’ve got a serious prospect
of a smack in the head.
GERRY: I’m not taking advice from a
jail-bird who ...
SFX: SMACK. FIGHT BREAKS OUT. PAUL
STEPS IN
PAUL: BOYS ! BOYS !
Page 21 of 21 WINTER CAMPING - SHOW # 19