GE 1996-7 Season 3 Episode 21: Ice Fishing Journal
Note: this is not a transcript, but a working draft of the script, so there may be differences in the aired version.
PAUL:	“When ponds freeze over we 
	shorten our runs.”  Though the 
	mercury has been up and down 
	like a yo-yo since Christmas, 
	word is there’s at least a 
	foot and half of ice on the 
	ponds.  And this is a lure not 
	many Nflders can deny.  It’s 
	time to don the thermals, wax 
	up the exposed extremities and 
	dig out the auger from under 
	that bloody useless old canoe.  
	It’s time to convene a meeting 
	of the old lads league, “da 
	bys”.  It’s time to mind your 
	hole.  This is my ice fishing 
	journal. 

SFX:	MICROPHONE CROSSES TO HAND 
HELD.  GERRY’S BASEMENT

GERRY:	Don’t forget the worms.

BILL:	Yes, the worms, got it.

PAUL:	I’m in the basement ...

GERRY:	The recreation and utility 
area.

PAUL:	I’m in the recreation and 
	utility area of my pal Gerry’s 
	house.  Joining us, for the 
	first time in a while, is Bill 
	Murphy.  It is good to see 
	you, Bill

BILL: 	Grunt.

PAUL:	Ger’s got the windows taped 
	up, the doors nailed shut, and 
	the lamps down low.  Secrecy 
	is paramount. 

	The map is spread out over the 
	ping-pong table.  

	Our destination - the little 
	known and trout filled deeps 
	of Skin Cabin Pond.  

	Those zones of the monstrous 
	loch known by very few to 
	harbour fishes of legendary 
	proportions.  

GERRY:	Arce you done now, Paul.

BILL:	It’s really a secret now, 
	Paul, you stund arsehole.

PAUL:	We’re ready for an expedition 
	confab on how to get there.

BILL:	I figure we can get the Duster 
	up as far as here.

PAUL:	You think the Duster will get 
	up an old woods road ?

GERRY:	The snow’s packed down pretty 
	hard now.

BILL:	You get up a bit of speed on 
	the approach, buddy, you can 
	make the Duster just ski right 
	over the top.

PAUL:	You think ?

GERRY:	As long as you don’t stop, you 
	got ‘er scald.

BILL	That’ll get us up as far as 
	The Lucifer Gullies, we can 
	walk in from there.
	
PAUL:	That’s a bit of a hike.

GERRY:	Naaah, it’s a straight line. 
	The ponds are frozen.

BILL	It just looks a lot longer on 
	the map, is all.

PAUL:	You guys are the woodsmen.  
	Once we get there, what of 
	shelter ?

GERRY:	I’m gonna build us an ice-
	house.

PAUL:	What, like an igloo ?

GERRY:	Yeah, I saw them building one 
	on the Discovery Channel, no 
	sweat, Paul.

PAUL:	You sure about this ?  What do 
	you think, Bill ?

BILL:	Prison changes a man.

PAUL:	... ah ... I guess ... it 
	does.

GERRY:	Crack of dawn tomorrow, 
	gentlemen.

BILL:	Do you think I could stay here 
	tonight, Ger ?

GERRY:	(doubtful)  Yeah ... sure.

SFX:	CROSS TO RESTAURANT AMBIANCE

PAUL:	Ahhh, the traditional truck 
	stop, halfway down the highway 
	to Skin Cabin Pond, the time 
	and place to put on the old 
	feed bag.

GERRY:	(to WAITRESS:ress)  I’ll have 
	the pea soup.  Does that have 
	dumplings ?

WAITRESS:	Yes.

GERRY:	Okay, the soup, and a hot 
	turkey sandwich and a piece of 
	partridgeberry pie.  And ... 
	oh!  can I have a cheese 
	burger as well ?

WAITRESS:	Yo ...

GERRY:	Oh, and could you put a fried 
	egg on the cheese burger.

PAUL:	Do you have any salads of any 
	kind ?

WAITRESS:	There’s cole slaw.

PAUL:	Hmmm.  Pea soup, then.

pause.

PAUL:	Hungry are you, Ger?

GERRY:	You want to put a good stog on 
	before going up in the woods.

PAUL:	I guess.  Where’s Bill?

GERRY:	I think he ... ah ... nipped 
	into the ... ah ... lounge.

PAUL:	Oh, ... I thought he was off 
	the ... no hey ?

WAITRESS:	Here’s your soup.  So, what 
	are you lads up to ?

PAUL:	We’re going to get in some 
	ice-fishing.

WAITRESS:	Where’re you heading, handsome 
	?

PAUL:	Huh ... well ... heheheh ... 
	we were going to go down to 
	...

GEL:	Whoa whoa whoa, there Paul. 
	That’ll be all, missy, thank 
	you very much.

WAITRESS:	If you’re heading down to Skin 
	Cabin Pond, you got to watch 
	out for the Arsewan hydro 
	diversion, they’re flooding 
	hundreds of secret temples ...

GERRY:	(Interrupts WAITRESS:ress )  
	Ah ahh ah ah ... that’s 
	enough.  Thank you thank you 
	thank you.

PAUL:	Gerry, she was just being 
	friendly.

GERRY:	Oh yea sure.  That’s how they 
	find out, Paul, find out where 
	the secret places are.

PAUL:	What do you mean, “her” secret 
	places ?

GERRY:	No, no, the pond.

PAUL:	Sorry, sorry, I guess I was 
	just thinking with my ... no 
	no no.

SFX:	INSIDE CAR, APPROACHING WOODS 
ROAD.  VEHICLE IS SHAKING,  
BREAKING UP UNDER THE PRESSURE

BILL:	(slightly drunk)  Give ‘er, 
	Ger!

PAUL:	(breathing heavily)  You sure 
	this is ok ?

GERRY:	Shut-up, Paul.

BILL:	It’s a physical phenomena, is 
called, wha’s it called? ... 
something planing.  She just 
skates right o’er top of the 
snow.

GERRY:	The friction from the rapid 
rotation of the tires creates 
a thin layer of water on top 
of the frozen snow crust.

BILL:	She just skates away.  You can 
travel for miles.  GIVE ‘ER 
GERRRRRREEEEEY!

PAUL:	Miles ?

BILL:	GIVE ‘ER !

ALL:	WHOOOOOOOOAH !

SFX:	EXTERIOR.  CAR WHEELS SPIN IN 
SNOW.  STOPS.  CAR DOOR OPEN 
AND CLOSE.  CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS 
IN SNOW

GERRY:	She won’t move.

BILL:	You stunned arsehole, I told 
you not to let up on the gas.

GERRY:	Don’t blame me.  Paul’s the 
one who grabbed the wheel ...

PAUL:	I thought we’d miss the turn !

BILL:	Schmmmack !  God my mouth is 
so dry.

PAUL:	What are we going to do ?

GERRY:	We’ll have to head in.

PAUL:	Don’t you have a coat, Bill ?

BILL:	I’m fine.  You watch out for 
yourself.

PAUL:	It must be 20 below, you’ll 
freeze to death.

BILL:	And wouldn’t that be a great 
loss.  Come on, let’s go.

GERRY:	You got the worms ?

BILL:	DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE G.D. 
WORMS !

SFX:	CROSS TO HOWLING WIND

PAUL:	Cripes, it’s cold.

GERRY:	Here you go, boys.

BILL:	That’s it ?

GERRY:	What’s wrong with it ?

BILL:	That’s not a snow-house, 
that’s what I believe we used 
to call a snow-fort, WHEN WE 
WERE 10 YEARS OLD.

SFX:	RACKET BREAKS OUT

PAUL:	BOYS !  BOYS !  STOP IT !  We 
have to stick together if we 
want to survive.  It’s not ... 
too bad.  Let’s just get 
inside and see what it’s like.

SFX:	CROSS TO INSIDE

PAUL:	See, Bill, its not that ... 
rough.

GERRY:	I think its fine.

SFX:	BILL GOING THROUGH BAG

BILL:	Oh ya, its just peachy, this 
is so much fun.  Ah, here we 
are.

SFX:	BOTTLE OPENED AND DOWNED

PAUL:	Ahhh, settling in to the old 
ice-house, contemplating a day 
... or long night now, or 
trouting on the morrow !

A now a little first for the 
boys. And for the country, 
it’s time to play the what’s 
that noise from nfld.  This’ll 
be a little tricky, working 
the two machines.

SFX:	FART

BILL:	How’s about that for a noise 
from Nfld, Paul ?  He he he.

PAUL:	Oh boys, come on, don’t be so 
childish.

GERRY:	Guess where that came from ?

PAUL:	Boys ...

BILL:	Pea soup hahahahahaha.

GERRY:	That’s the sound of Nfld Pea 
Soup.  Hahahahahahaha.

PAUL:	Look, if you guys aren’t 
prepared to be serious, if 
you’re going to be so 
juvenile, then I won’t play 
what’s that noise from Nfld.

BILL:	Oh come on, Paul, we were only 
kidding.

GERRY:	Yes, boy, Paul, go on, go on, 
play the game.

PAUL:	If you guys aren’t going to 
...

BILL:	No, no, we had our laugh, 
Paul.

GLEN:	Go on and do it.

PAUL:	Okay, what’s that noise from 
Nfld, take two.

A little surprise now for the 
lads here in the ice house on 
Skin Cabin Pond, and for you 
warm at home.  It’s time to 
take the What’s That Noise 
from Nfld Contest in situ, out 
in to the wild ...

SFX:	FART

That’s it.

BILL:	Hehehehehehe.  There’s that 
noise from Nfld again. 
Hehehehehe.

GERRY:	Hahahahahaha.

BILL:	It just slipped out.

PAUL:	If you guys aren’t prepared to 
... oh god, what a stink !

SFX:	HARD CUT

SFX:	AUGER THROUGH ICE.  THREE LADS 
FROZEN

GERRY:	Strange ... the ice is thinner 
here.

PAUL:	Odd, hey.

GERRY:	Well, you’re all rigged up, 
Paul.  

PAUL:	Great ... oh, I need a few 
worms.

BILL:	(with mouth full of worms) 
Here you go.

PAUL:	Argghhhhhh.  Oh my god !

GERRY:	What’s wrong ?

PAUL:	Bill,  you ... you’ve got 
worms in your mouth.

BILL:	You got to keep them in your 
mouth.

GERRY:	They remain vital.

PAUL:	I’d ... not heard that.

SFX:	CROSS TO INSIDE OF IGLOO.  
WIND HOWLS OUTSIDE.  TINY BELL 
RINGS

GERRY:	That’s yours, Paul.

PAUL:	You sure ?  I think it’s 
Bill’s.

BILL:	I know my hole.  

SFX:	RINGING MORE INSISTENT

GERRY:	Sounds like a fair size trout 
there, Paul.

PAUL:	Okay, okay.

SFX:	PAUL LEAVES IGLOO

PAUL:	Ah, ice fishing with the boys.  
The vast frozen interior of 
Newfoundland.  Barren, 
seemingly lifeless now, under 
a blanket of snow, and yet 
this area is home to caribou 
and moose, to fox and snowshoe 
hare, forbidding to man and 
yet ... let’s see, Mr. Trout, 
oww this feels like a beauty 
...

SFX:	CREAKING AND CRACKING OF ICE 
SURFACE

PAUL:	If I could just ...

SFX:	THE ICE BREAKS.  PAUL’S 
SCREAMS OF DESPERATION.  WATER 
SPLASHING, ETC. AND SUDDENLY 
SILENCE

CUT TO:

GERRY:	... suppose it is.   Look at 
this, the tape machine started 
up.  (reads) Krupps 
Recordengroupen Aufgahmein-
shultzundschnitzel Gmbh.  
Excellent gear.  How does he 
look ?

BILL:	He’s not going to make it.  
His pulse is really slow.  His 
breathing is laboured, and his 
head is ice cold.  Just feel.

GERRY:	That’s where he’s got that 
metal plate in his head.

BILL:	Right.

GERRY:	What are we going to do, Bill?

BILL:	“What are we going to do 
Bill?”  I know one thing, I’m 
not carrying him out.  First 
things first, a drinky-pooh.

PAUL:	(through chattering teeth) 
arggggghhhhhh.

GERRY:	That’s promising.

BILL:	Death rattle.

GERRY:	It might help if we got him 
out of those wet clothes.

BILL:	Knock yourself out, Ger.

SFX:	CROSS TO LATER IN EVENING.  
BILL SNORES

GERRY:	You gave me a fright, Paul.  I 
didn’t think you’d make it.

PAUL:	Man, I was right back in the 
desert.

GERRY:	Wha ?

PAUL:	First, when I went 
unconscious, I was in Mexico.  
Then there was this light, and 
I went to it, and it’s a lamp, 
Detective Agnew, and he’s 
asking me questions.  

GERRY:	That was your life flashing 
before your eyes.

PAUL:	And so unpleasant.

GERRY:	No one said it would be easy.

PAUL:	Yes, they did.  They said if 
you worked hard and were 
honest and ...

GERRY:	When you’re right you’re 
right.

PAUL:	Besides your life is great. 
You’ve got Sharon and the 
kids.

GERRY:	Had.

PAUL:	Oh no.

GERRY:	She left me again.  And those 
kids.  I’m sure one of ‘em is 
Bill’s.

PAUL:	Little Trevor ?  The one with 
the spider web tattoo on his 
face ?

GERRY:	Yeah.  You know, Paul, I’ve 
always had a hard time 
communicating with women.  
With Sharon, I’d try talking 
to her, but she would just sit 
there, staring at me, not 
saying a word, sometimes for 
weeks.  I find being with men 
much easier.  I sometimes 
think that maybe ... What do 
you think about men, being ... 
together ?

PAUL:	Sometimes I think about women 
being together and it gives me 
a warm feeling ... where are 
you going with this, Ger ?

GERRY:	Hey, Paul, it’s not that!  
I’ve just been reading some 
stuff, you know men’s 
movement.

BILL:	THAT’S IT, GERRY!  Stop right 
there.  I’m a pretty liberal 
fellow, right, you know that, 
but I will not suffer any of 
this men’s movement b.s.

GERRY:	I’m just trying to figure out 
who I am.

BILL:	You’re an arsehole.  Question 
answered.  Go to sleep.

GERRY:	At least I’m not an ex-con.  
At least I have prospects.

BILL:	You’ve got a serious prospect 
of a smack in the head.

GERRY:	I’m not taking advice from a 
jail-bird who ...

SFX:	SMACK.  FIGHT BREAKS OUT. PAUL 
STEPS IN

PAUL:	BOYS !  BOYS !
Page 21 of 21	WINTER CAMPING - SHOW # 19