PAUL:	As he promised back in January Andre Lander, the Chief Rotologist and 
	Senior Vice President of Imagonics returns. Welcome back to the show.

ANDRE:	Thank you.

PAUL:	Because of some minor ... shortcomings ... with our ratings Mr. Lander
	was commissioned to analyze this show's image.

ANDRE:	As well as that of the host.

PAUL:	Indeed. But since that first meeting, news comes that our ratings 
	have skyrocketed.  We are holding our own in Newfoundland and Iceland 
	and in Canada ... well ... smash-hit hardly seems hyperbole.

ANDRE:	And you are thinking that you no longer need our help.

PAUL:	You got it.  It's been a pleasure, Sayonara.

ANDRE:	This phenomena you're seeing in the numbers, we in the business call 
	it the Benmurgui Blip.

PAUL:	Meaning?

ANDRE:	Someone who is, in fact, very unpopular with the audience, does a 
	good job of a couple of particular shows or a special or something 
	and the audience response shows high only because expectations were so low.  

PAUL:	Really?

ANDRE:	Benmurgui did a bang-up job hosting a couple of awards shows ...

PAUL:	(GASPS) I did an awards show!

ANDRE:	The brass gives him a late night slot, hires some crummy writers, 
	dresses him like a pimp, the show is a disaster and next thing you 
	know Ralph's a glorified commissionaire at the Broadcast Centre.

PAUL:	Cripes.  We can't have that happening.

ANDRE:	We've worked up a new image for you that will set the show in 
	a better direction.

PAUL:	What does it entail?

ANDRE:	The listener wants a newer, younger, more vibrant Paul.  
	We've arranged for you to undertake a vigourous fitness program.

PAUL:	This is radio Lander, nobody can see me.

ANDRE:	That's another problem.  To put a face to the voice we've planned a 
	speaking tour for the summer, after dinner stuff right across the country.

PAUL:	(facetious) Great.

ANDRE:	We've determined that your voice doesn't resonate with Canadian 
	listeners, it's too ... how can I put this delicately ... too rooted 
	in Newfoundland.

PAUL:	You can't argue with genetics Andre.

ANDRE:	No but our voice coach can help.

PAUL:	Look how much of myself am I expected to give!  I'm very tired you 
	know.  During the strike I was putting in nine, ten hours a day, six days 
	a week.  Last week I'm on assignment and I go through the ice, I NEARLY DIED!  
	This deranged Scot has been staulking me since October ...  

ANDRE:	How do you feel about a hair piece ....


VOX DOC

SFX:	Paul enters small recording booth.  Voice speaks to him over talkback speaker.

VOX:	Have a seat.

PAUL:	Sure.

VOX:	This is a vocal analysis of ....(shuffling papers) Paul S. Moth -- broadcaster, 
	public.  O.k., comfortable?

PAUL:	Ya -- but I--

VOX:	Yes?

PAUL:	I usually have a different mic.-- a Krupps Funkensch--

VOX:	Oh, don't worry about that.  Now, could you laugh please.

PAUL:	What's funny?

VOX:	Just fake it.

Paul laughs heartily.

VOX:	Now could express some concern.

PAUL:	Are you okay?

VOX:	How about deep concern, compassion.

PAUL:	I'm am so sorry.  Really I am.

VOX:	Could you run a few together?

PAUL:	Like?

VOX:	How about a big laugh ... hilarity ... into that compassion and then sincere interest.

PAUL:	HA HA HA HA!  But a genuine loss to all of motor racing.  He was travelling how fast?

VOX:	Okay we've got a little trouble with the laugh.  Can we have like a side splitter.

PAUL:	HA HA HA HA!

VOX:	(coming atop) Piss youself funny.

PAUL:	HA HA HA HA!	Like that?

VOX:	Very good.  Now, you're familiar with the stutter question.

PAUL:	No.

VOX:	Scripted question, answer known, but trying to sound spontaneous.

PAUL:	Oh yeah, yeah, I do that already.

VOX:	Can you run it by me.

PAUL:	O.k., so, if -- d-you...reading this, I... I felt, I guess the word 
	is-- there's a masculine-feminine thing going on here, isn' there?

VOX:	That's good.  You could stretch it out some more, if you wanted to.  
	By the way, what kind of vocal exercises do you do before your show?

PAUL:	(goes through strange horking/humming routine)

VOX:	O.k., we'll work something out for you.  One last thing -- can you 
	read that paper in front of you?

PAUL:	Hullo.  Paul Moth here.  Good Saturday morning Newfoundland.

....

LARRY:	A speaking tour!  How exciting!  I'm glad you came to me.  
	You can't go traipsing around the country looking like some 
	middle aged ex-junkie in recovery.

PAUL:	But I am a middle aged ex-junkie in ... 

LARRY:	Hercules Man-Size, this place is great, for the love of god 
	Paul do not embarass me.

SFX:	Bell ringing.

SPIRO:	Lawrence!

LARRY:	Spiro!

SPIRO:	How can we help you today?

LARRY:	Acquaintence here is off on a tawdry self promotional junket 
	to prop up a waning career.

SPIRO:	Show business?

PAUL:	Sort o--

LARRY:	No, radio, but he does need to look a bit flash and 
	r-e-s-p-e-c-t-able en publique, if you catch my drift.

SPIRO:	Yes, I see the problem.

PAUL:	Heh, I like the looks of that guy ... in the poster there.

SPIRO:	Ah, yes, but....

PAUL:	You don't have that in stock?

SPIRO:	(uncomfortable laugh) We do, but...

LARRY:	What Spiro's trying to tell you, Paul, is that that suit looks 
	great on a strapping young Milanese, but it would make you look 
	like an imbecile.

SPIRO:	Ah, y---es.

PAUL:	I see.

SPIRO:	But we must play to your strong suit --ha, ha, -- strong suit.

LARRY:	Touchay, Spiro.

PAUL:	My strong suit.  Right.

SPIRO:	You are tall.

PAUL:	Right.

SPIRO:	You are (searching) ... quite tall.  Yes.  What about something 
	more casual, trousers, a sweater -- understated.

PAUL:	Well, that sounds goo--

LARRY:	Oh, how dreadfully CBC, how drear-ry.

SPIRO:	I have a look.  Wait here.

PAUL:	Listen Larry I don't want any of this measuring of the inseam foolishness.

LARRY:	You are so uptight.  Give it up.

SPIRO:	Hmmmm?  What do you think?

LARRY:	It's exotic.

PAUL:	What would you call this?

SPIRO:	A boiler suit.

LARRY:	It's a boiler suit.

PAUL:	I don't ...

SPIRO:	It flatters ... your shape.

LARRY:	Yes the tenting would mask much of ...

SPIRO:	With riding boots. In a mustard or a chartreuse.

LARRY:	Yes! To bring out the yellow in his eyes.

PAUL:	You guys are having me on.

LARRY:	If I was to tell you two years ago that the platform shoe was coming back.

PAUL:	True.

LARRY:	Very thirties, very radio, very Tin-tin.

SPIRO:	Now, how do you dress?

PAUL:	Sorry?

SPIRO:	How do you ...

LARRY:	A moment please Spiro.

Spiro off.

LARRY:	He's asking .... he asking on which side your penis hangs.

PAUL:	Why does he need to know that.

LARRY:	For the tailoring. You promised you wouldn't embarass me.

PAUL:	I just don't see why ...