ANNOUNCER:	It’s 11:35 Newfoundland
		Standard Time.  Stay tuned for
		the Great Eastern:
		Newfoundland’s Cultural
		Magazine, with Paul Moth.  You
		are listening to the
		Broadcasting Corporation of
		Newfoundland, 520 on the long
		wave.

PAUL: 		She’s here in St. John’s to
		read from her latest work,
		“Alias Grace.”  We are pleased
		to welcome to The Great
		Eastern, Margaret Atwood.

MARG:		Hello.

PAUL:		“The Diviners”, “The Stone
		Angel”, “A Jest Of God”, “The
		Fire Dwellers,” these works
		place you in the highest ranks
		of CanLit, they ...

MARG:		Excuse me.

PAUL:		Yes ?

MARG:		You’ve got me confused with
		Margaret Laurence.

PAUL:		Huhh ?

MARG:		The books you just named, good
		books all, are by Margaret
		Laurence.  I’m Margaret
		Atwood.

PAUL:		Wow geez, is this ever
		embarrassing.  What are some
		of your books that I might be
		familiar with ?

MARG:		“The Robber Bride”.

PAUL:		Hmmmmm, no.

MARG:		“The Handmaids Tale” ?

PAUL:		No.

MARG:		“Surfacing” ?

PAUL:		Not ringing any bells,
		Margaret.

LONG UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

PAUL:		You enjoying your trip ?

MARG:		Yes, I am.

MUSIC:	THEME TO THE GREAT EASTERN.

PAUL (over theme):  We’ve all got something to
		learn.  College days - who
		amongst us can neither deny
		them nor blot them completely
		from our memories ?

		Now more than ever, we are
		told, an education is super-
		important.

		And the university of today is
		not the university of
		tomorrow.

		My name is Paul Moth.  Today
		on the Great Eastern, we
		present a full-length special
		Special Report on the
		university of the future - the
		University of Newfoundland at
		St. John’s.

SFX:	THEME OUT.  PAUL WALKING
ACROSS GRAVEL PARKING LOT AND
ONTO CAMPUS.

		When I attended Memorial
		University here in the capital
		city, all we knew about our
		cross-town rival was that
		their teams always beat our
		teams, and that it was the
		place in town to get drugs. 
		MUN was squeaky clean back in
		the `60’s and `70’s.  We
		looked to the University of
		Newfoundland at St. John’s as
		a beacon of radical hope.

		Today, the UNSJ is still a
		beacon, but now because of its
		forward-looking philosophy.

		Some criticize what they call
		its crass commercialism. 
		Others praise it for its
		response to the new economic
		climate.

GUARD:		Excuse me.  There’s a five
		dollar day pass charge, sir ?

PAUL:		Oh.  There you go, my good
		man.

		Say what you will about UNSJ,
		but as you pass through its
		toll gate and stroll past the
		ranks of Beamers, Saabs and
		Volvo station wagons, you have
		to admit two things: it has
		excellent parking; and it
		features more billboard
		acreage than any other campus
		in the country.

		The strikingly designed,
		fifteen story, Voigt Kampf
		Parking Tower dominates the
		landscape here and has become
		the symbol by which UNSJ is
		known in collegiate circles
		across Canada.

SFX:	FOOTBALL PLAYERS PRACTICING
AND SHEEP BAA-ING

		In the shadow of the tower,
		you can see the steroid crazed
		enforcers of the UNSJ Lancers
		football team on the
		university’s pitch, violating
		the mascot.  What a squad. 
		Some things never change ...
		college sport.

		But it is as a seat of hired
		learning that the UNSJ has
		built its recent reputation.

		So let’s visit the architect
		of this vast, creative plan.

SFX: SEGUE TO INT. SUMPTUOUS
OFFICE.

		I’m in the office of Reginald
		Whelan, President and Chief
		Executive Officer of the
		University of Newfoundland at
		St. John’s.  Hello.

WHELAN:		Have a seat, Paul.  I’m sure
		you know where everything is.

PAUL:		Sorry?

WHELAN:		Didn’t we occupy these offices
		back in ‘69?

PAUL:		Oh, no, I split with the Student
		Provisionals... and formed the
		Viet-MUN?  We occupied the weight
		room over at Memorial.

WHELAN:		Right!  I’d forgotten.  Heady
		days.

PAUL:		Must feel a bit strange having
		once occupied this office as a
		student radical, and now, thirty
		short years later, well ... you’re
		the man.

WHELAN:		We needed radical change then. We
		need radical change now.  My
		mandate’s not so different.

PAUL:		Did we have a mandate back then? 
		I can’t remember whether we had a
		point or an excuse.

WHELAN:		The essential difference, I
		suppose, is that the changes
		we are instituting today are
		born of necessity, not choice.

PAUL:		Yes, now I know you feel
		strongly that the venerable
		old UNSJ has to shed its image
		as yesterday’s academy.

WHELAN:		I feel strongly about
		everything, Paul, but
		especially about ensuring the
		UNSJ is at the forefront of
		the “re-design-ation” of
		higher learning.  We’re
		meeting the challenges and
		pride is our middle name. 
		We’re customizing.

PAUL:		And accesorizing. 
		
WHELAN:		The guiding principle behind
		these changes is best summed
		up by UNSJ’s new motto.

PAUL:		“Pusilla Concipite” ?

WHELAN:		That’s right: “Think Small”. 
		
PAUL:		I liked the old one:“Melius
		Quam Nihil” ?

WHELAN:		“Better than nothing” -- ya,
		had a ring to it.  But the
		days of the university are
		over--by the time our five
		year plan has been
		implemented, the UNSJ will be
		North America’s first
		speciversity.

PAUL:		Speciversity?

WHELAN:		The idea that a specific place
		like St. John’s could
		plausibly offer universal
		teaching was always
		ridiculous. Concentrate on
		strengths: be specific. 
		“Could you be a little more
		specific?”  That’s my
		favourite question to people
		these days.  (addressed to
		Paul)  “Could you be a little
		more specific?”

PAUL:		Uh, I’m not sure.

WHELAN:		To remain competitive in the
		new educational marketplace we
		have to provide consumers with
		our best product, and that
		means concentrating on those
		areas where we’ve exhibited
		strengths.

PAUL:		Mixed darts?

WHELAN:		Cold water engineering. 
		Phosgene chemistry.  Parking
		administration.

PAUL:		That’s right, the UNSJ has
		consistently come in first in
		the parking category of the
		Maclean’s university poll,
		though not so well in other
		areas.  That poll ranked you 
		“Most Average Overall”
		university for the past 5
		years.

WHELAN:		Well, first let me just say
		that “Most Average Overall” is
		nothing to sniff at.  But I
		want to stress that that
		Maclean’s poll is meaningless.

PAUL:		Well, your plan for the UNSJ
		is controversial, not without
		its detractors, some of whom
		claim that entire faculties
		are destined for the scrap
		heap of learning.  Will there
		be major displacements of
		staff?

WHELAN:		I’m not the man to give you
		the details on the
		implementation of the final
		solution.  You’ll have to talk
		to Jan Ayaks on that.

AYAKS:		Ja!  Present!

WHELAN/PAUL:	WAAAAAGH!!!!!!!

AYAKS:		I was just going nappy naps
		under the desk when I heard my
		name.

WHELAN:(recovering)  Ayaks, this is,
		ah, Paul Moth from the BCN. 
		Ayaks is our VP -- Academic
		and Parking.

PAUL:		Pleased to meet you.

WHELAN:		You’ll be the point man for
		Paul’s tour of the plant.  Now
		if you’ll excuse me gentlemen,
		I have a meeting with some
		corporate sponsors--campus
		soft drink franchising, you
		understand.  Oh, Ayaks, could
		you tell Mitsy it’s time for
		my massage?

AYAKS:		Yes sir, absolutely ... (under
		breath) when hell freezes
		over.  This way, Paul.

SFX:OUT DOOR AND WALKING DOWN
HALLWAY, UP STAIRS, THROUGH
OTHER HALLWAYS.

AYAKS:		So, “Moth”. That’s a Dutch
		name, isn’t it?

MOTH:		It is, yes.  Are you Dutch?

AYAKS:		Dutch collaborator, actually.

MOTH:		Oh.

AYAKS:		You seem to know about the
		five year plan?

PAUL:		Well, there are rumours.

AYAKS:		Who talked?  Names!  I want
		names!

PAUL:		Well, everybody, er, no one in
		particular.

AYAKS:		Oh.

PAUL:		But there’s talk that only
		four faculties will be left by
		the end of the year.

AYAKS:		No, five: business, computer
		science, engineering, commerce
		and marketting.

PAUL:		That cuts out quite a few
		areas.

AYAKS:		I wouldn’t say that.

PAUL:		What about the humanities? 
		the sciences? medicine even?

AYAKS:		They’ve been repositioned,
		that’s all, and right-sized:
		business English; marketting
		philosophy; consumer
		psychology; medical insurance,
		and so forth... It’s all still
		there.

PAUL:		But what about things like
		history?

AYAKS:		Come on, Paul.

PAUL:		But, I mean, you hear so much
		talk today about diversity...

AYAKS:		Yes, but in a very specific
		way: specidiversity, that’s
		higher learning for tomorrow.

PAUL:		Well, I guess...  Oh, this is
		the office of the new Chair in
		Economology .

AYAKS:		Yes, we received a very
		generous endowment from the
		Economologists to create a
		chair.

PAUL:		Who’s been appointed to that?

AYAKS:		Well, nobody.  So far we just
		have the chair.  Would you
		like to see it?

SFX: OPENS DOOR WITH KEY.

PAUL:		Sure.

THEY PEER IN REVERENTLY.

AYAKS:		What do you think?

PAUL:		Nice chair.  Leather?

AYAKS:		Corinthian leather.

PAUL:		Wow.  Could I just touch--

SFX: CLOSES DOOR IN PAUL’S FACE.
HELEN’S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
DOWN CORRIDOR.

AYAKS:		Oh, Helen...?

HELEN:		Mr. Vice-President.

AYAKS:		Could I have a word?

HELEN:		Certainly.

AYAKS:		The findings of the Ad Hoc
		Classroom Anti-harassment
		Gender Orientation Guidelines
		Discrimination Policy Review
		Commission report are in.

HELEN:		That’s good news -- long
		overdue.

AYAKS:		Yes, yes, but in order to
		credibly appear to be
		implementing them, I’ll need a
		scapegoat on the engineering-
		40 beer club-hubba jugs-teen-
		prostitution scandal.

HELEN:		But I’m the Dean of Arts!

AYAKS:		Well, there may be some truth
		to that, but you have been
		seen in the engineering
		building in the past, and you
		have a large number of
		children for a professional. 
		I’m just going by the new
		guidelines.

HELEN:		But--

AYAKS:		Look, Helen, I’m quite busy at
		the moment.  The people in
		Human Sacrifices can outline
		the details of your
		resignation.  That will be
		all.  Paul, this way ...

PAUL:		Well, I can certainly see that
		grappling with harassment
		issues has become part of the
		everyday fibre of the
		university administrator’s
		job.

AYAKS:		Yes, well as Max Weber wrote,
		“the exceptional bureaucrat --
		or Ubergeselldolt-- must size
		up the workers with absolute
		objectivity prior to sizing
		them down.”

PAUL:		Ya, that quote doesn’t ring a
		bell, but I’m a little rusty
		on my Weber.

AYAKS:		Well, Paul, I have some
		important business.   Make
		yourself at home, wander
		around freely, and if you need
		anything, just holler: you’ll
		be under constant
		surveillance.

PAUL:		I will.  Thank you, Jan Ayaks.

AYAKS:		And have a great day at the UNSJ -
		- the University of the Future!

STATION IDENTIFICATION:

ANNOUNCER:	Serving the island for over 60
		years: the Broadcasting
		Corporation of Newfoundland, BCN.	

SFX: CUT TO PAUL IN HALLWAY OUTSIDE
DOOR OF STUDENT UNION COMPLEX.

PAUL:		My, my, my.  H.Q. of the UNSJ
		student newspaper, the
		“Unsjah”.  What a great
		tradition.  So many of today’s
		working journalists got their
		start here and one imagines
		the scribblers of tomorrow are
		here now working the student
		beat.

SFX: PAUL ENTERS OFFICE.

PAUL:		Yo, companieros!  Hasta la
		victoria siempre!
		
FIONA:		Can I help you sir?

PAUL:		Paul Moth, Host--The Great
		Eastern, and former staffer
		over at your sister campus
		paper, The Muse.

FIONA:		And can I help you?

PAUL:		Just looking around. Hey maybe
		I can help you.  Any items for
		this weeks edition that need
		writing.

FIONA:		I ... I...

PAUL:		Look there are a few things on
		the line-up board that don’t
		have any names by them.

FIONA:		I’m just going to make a phone
		call.

PAUL:		Hmmmm lets see ... “More
		Students Living At Home”, 
		well if there’s room ...
		“Taking Out a Second Mortgage
		On Your Life”.  Why don’t
		these youngsters stop their
		belly-aching and apply for an
		O.F.Y. grant ... “Elmer the
		Safety Elephant advocates self
		love.” That’s an interesting
		one ...

FIONA:		There he is!

SFX: SCUFFLE.

PAUL:		What the ...

GOON:		Student security, keep your
		hands where we can see them.

PAUL:		Comrades!  Comrades!  We’re
		all part of the same struggle.

GOON2:		Get him with the prod.

SFX: CRUEL ZAP.

PAUL:		Argghhh, Jeeeez.

FIONA:		He said his name was Tom Mall.

GOON:		Get his wallet

GOON2:		Ya, well this says your name’s
		Paul Moth.

GOON:		Explain that!

GOON2:		Look at this!  A picture of
		him with Barbara Amiel!

FIONA: HE’S WITH MACLEAN’S!

SFX: PROD ZAP AND GROAN.

GOON:		Take that scum bag!

GOON2:		How do rank our student
		security?

SFX: MORE ZAP.

GOON:		Get the hell out of here you--

SFX: THROWN OUT AND DOOR SLAM BEHIND
HIM.

PAUL:		Talk about hostile.  The crowd
		at “UNSJAH” always were a
		little uptight ... but
		(sniffs)  ammonia, pheromones,
		characteristic nose of stale
		beer and vomit ...refuge is
		never far away in the Labatt’s
		Student Union Complex.  Here
		it is, the most notorious
		student pub on earth and just
		where I left it ... The Drain.

SFX: MUSIC COMES UP AS PAUL ENTERS; 
UNSJ RADIO IS ON THE SOUND
SYSTEM, SOME PATTER, AND THEN
GOES ON IN B.G.

PAUL:		Maybe I should score a nickel
		of weed for old times sake. I
		can always give it to Erling. 
		Hey Chief, you holding?

OMAR:		Paul?

PAUL:		Omar?  Omar Breen?

OMAR:		Paul Moth, still a pot head.

PAUL:		It was going to give it to the
		weather guy at the station. 
		I’ve been clean for years. 
		Omar Breen.  What are you
		doing here?

OMAR:		Still struggling with the
		doctoral thesis.

PAUL:		What is it? (counts) Twenty-
		two years ?

OMAR:		Twenty-four.

PAUL:		That’s not bad.

OMAR:		It would have been done long
		ago but I keep losing thesis
		supervisors.

PAUL:		Departmental Politics?

OMAR:		“Natural” causes.  (dropping
		to whisper)  It’s Ayaks, he’s
		purging the University of ...
		(loudly) How about those
		Lancers? Kill Lancers Kill! 
		(back to whisper)  It’s not
		safe!  Trust no one!

SFX: OMAR SCURRIES OFF.

PAUL:		Omar, wait...  He was always a
		tool anyway.


MUSIC: RADIO D.J. I.D.’S ‘LOCAL BOYS’
THE HARDSHIP POST, “WHAT A
DAY”, AND WE HEAR IT OFF SOUND
SYSTEM, THEN MIXED TO REG.
....  SONG OUT AND CROSS-FADE
TO:

MUSIC: OLD INSTRUMENTAL SCHMALTZ VERSION
OF “PEG O’ MY HEART”.

RITA (over music):	Hello I’m Rita Molloy with some 	
		BCN programming highlights.
	
		Coming up after The Great Eastern,
		“Look... It’s Back!”  Yes, it’s 	
		“Look It’s...” with new host, 	
		Ricky Parabramay.  Take a new look
		at a new look “Look It’s ...”, as 	
		Ricki kicks off the season with 	
		“Look it’s... leather”.

		At 2:00 it’s the premiere of Libby
		Synyard - Bay Superwoman.  With a 	
		grandchild under each arm, a 		
		culvert to knit and Mayoral duties
		for the town of Sops Bight, 		
		Libby’s dance card looks full, but
		wait ... she’s still got to bottle
		a moose.   Hints, tips and 		
		strategies for making domestic 	
		subterfuge work for you, every 	
		Saturday this fall, with Libby 	
		Synyard - Bay Superwoman.

		At 4:00 its Playlets and episode 	
		three of Delbert Onglow’s hard-	
		hitting dramatic cycle, “Please 	
		Make It Stop”.  This week sullen 	
		daughter Brenda’s got alibis 		
		galore as Mom proves once again 	
		that she loves a man in uniform.  	
		Dad’s out from under the cabin but
		hardly out of the woods when he 	
		shows up ... feral.   Grrrrrr.  	
		Ruff, ruff.  This week on “Please 	
		Make It Stop”.

		A full day of exciting and 		
		entertaining programming, only on 	
		BCN 520 -- All Newfoundland Radio.	

MUSIC/SFX: MUSIC OUT AND FADE UP ON INT. 	
LABORATORY, WITH BUBBLING VATS.
				
PAUL:		Like everything in the modern
		university, scientific
		research has had to justify
		itself by the bottom line. 
		The UNSJ’s Physics Department
		is being held out as a model
		success story in this regard. 
		Dr. John Peters is head of the
		top grossing research unit in
		the country.  Welcome to the
		Great Eastern.

PETERS:		Welcome to the lab.

PAUL:		Now I remember the hullabaloo
		a few years ago when the
		Physics Dept. was all but
		shutdown for lack of funding. 
		You’ve certainly turned things
		around.

PETERS:		When government research
		grants became contingent on
		partnerships with industry, we
		approached Furlong
		Confections, a local company
		famed for their nobs, and they
		interested Neilson’s; funds
		were matched by NCERC, and
		you’re looking at the result:
		the most advanced chocolate
		accelerator in the world.

PAUL:		Wow.  What exactly does this
		apparatus do?

PETERS:		It measures chocolate
		behaviour -- confection
		currents, moose viscosity,
		cocoa spectra and so forth.

PAUL:		Is there something specific
		about that behaviour?

PETERS:		Precisely our question.  In
		order to answer that we’ve
		been trying to experimentally
		reproduce Vonka’s 3rd Law of
		Cocoa Dynamics.

PAUL:		That would be Nobel laureate,
		Vilhelm Vonka, of course, who
		was persecuted by the Nazis. 
		
PETERS:		Yeah, he fled to Switzerland
		to continue his work, though
		some people think he fudged
		some of his results.

PAUL:		Have you been able to
		vindicate the great chocolate
		theorist?
	
PETERS:		Not yet, but acceleration has
		allowed us to perceive sub-
		atomic cocoa polymers that
		have strikingly similar
		isotopes to masses from other
		galaxies.

PAUL:		So , you think that ...?

PETERS:		Yes.  A meteor shower, perhaps
		7 million years ago.

PAUL:		Of course, the drink of the
		Aztec nobility, chariots of
		the Gods, and so forth.

PETERS:		Yes, and we’re hoping that the
		Mars probe will confirm this.

PAUL:		Now, this high-minded marriage
		of theory and sophisticated
		experimentation is all very
		well, but I mean, after all,
		you are in partnership with
		industry.  What’s the real
		goal of this research?

PETERS:		In scientific terms it’s quite
		complex, but put in simple
		laymen’s terms, our goal is to
		make nobs juicier, and Mr. Big
		bigger.

PAUL:		I can certainly see the
		applications.

PETERS:		Bigger, chewier, more long-
		lasting.

PAUL:		Mr. Big .. science. 
		
PETERS:		Thank you.

PAUL:		I love it.  You must stand to
		make a mint on this.

PETERS:		We hope to.

PAUL:		It must be sweet.

PETERS:		Bittersweet, actually.

PAUL:		Good luck, and thanks for
		this, Dr. Peters.

CROSS-FADE TO:

SFX: PAUL WALKING DOWN HALLWAY AND
INTO CHORAL AMBIENCE.

PAUL:		One of the most vital areas of
		study at the UNSJ is the
		Department of Newfoundland
		Folkways and Culture.  The
		repository of our unique
		heritage. Oh, here’s
		“Traditional Song and Poesy”,
		taught by the foremost expert
		on Newfoundland, Dr. Ulf
		Quislingson.

MUSIC: WOMAN STUDENT SINGS “LOT’S OF
FISH IN BONAVIST HARBOUR”.

ULF:		No, no, no, it’s terrible. 
		With some misery, more
		desperation, your culture is
		being exterminated !  Sing
		like the Dodo bird you are !
		(suddenly cheery)  Now, once
		more, with feeling...

MUSIC: WOMAN BEGINS SINGING AGAIN.

PAUL:(moved)	While it has
		absolutely nothing to do with
		my essentially urban
		experiences as a
		Newfoundlander, it’s still so
		beautiful. 
		
		A shame that the entire
		department will be eliminated
		by year’s end, its tape
		archive to be erased and sold
		to the CBC.

CROSS-FADE TO:

SFX: MASS OF STUDENTS TAKING SEATS
IN LARGE LECTURE HALL.

PAUL:		Well this is it, the future of
		higher learning, almost a
		thousand students taking their
		seats in front of Prof-o-tron,
		a giant electronic screen. 
		Still, not unlike when I
		dabbled in the academy, these
		young people look both
		disaffected and anxious.

SFX: DOOR CLOSES BEHIND PAUL.

PROFOTRON:	(woman’s voice, like
		electronic telephone operator) 
		Please prepare your electronic
		entry pads.  The quiz will now
		appear on the Sony jumbotron,
		brought to you by the Bank of
		Montreal.

PAUL:		Uh-oh, an exam.

PROFOTRON:	All students must be seated.

PAUL:		Better clear out of here.

SFX: PAUL TRIES DOOR, FINDS IT
LOCKED.  PAUL’S BREATHING
GROWS HEAVIER.

PAUL:		I can’t take this exam. I
		don’t ... I haven’t studied. 
		I missed all the lectures.

PROFOTRON:	All students must be seated.

SFX: PAUL SITS, BIG ANXIETY SETS
IN.

PROFOTRON:	The first question is now
		appearing on the screen.

SFX: JEOPARDY THEME.

PAUL (reads):	“The “Aufgohaben” is, (a) a
		revolutionary slogan of the
		Spartacus League (b) the
		dialectical cancelation and
		preservation, at a higher
		level, of conceptual forms, 
		or (c) a type of Viennese
		Strudel...” ahhhh, oh jeez, I
		used to know this, ahhhh, “c”. 
		No wait!  Cripes, I’ve got to
		get out of here.

SFX: PAUL TO MICROPHONE.

PAUL:		Excuse me, Profotron?

PROFOTRON:	Use the microphone to pose
		your question.

PAUL:		I’ve got to go to the
		bathroom.

PROFOTRON:	Request denied.

PAUL:		I’ve got a weak bladder, I can
		get a Doctor’s note.

PROFOTRON:	Take your seat, the second
		question is about to appear on
		the screen.

PAUL:		This is ridiculous. I GOTTA
		GO. You’ve got no right.	

PROFOTRON:	Do you presume to criticize
		the omniscient Profotron?

PAUL:		I’m gone.  Fire exit. Where’s
		the fire exit?
		
PROFOTRON:	Profotron has spoken!  Take
		your seat.

SFX: PAUL DOWN STEPS.  CURTAIN
PULLED BACK.

PROFOTRON:	Pay no attention to that man
		behind the curtain.

PAUL:		President Whelan?

PROFOTRON:	No, I’m the great and powerful
		... (change to President’s
		real voice) Profotron.

PAUL:		You -- Profotron? 
		
PRES:		I’m afraid it’s true, there’s
		no other Profotron except me.

PAUL:		You’re a humbug.

PRES:		Yes, that’s so, I’m a
		university administrator.

PAUL:		You’re a very bad man!

PRES:		No, I’m a good man, but I’m a
		very bad person.  (earnest) 
		How can I make it up to you? 
		What do you need?  I know, how
		about a brain?  No, better
		still, how about a diploma?

PAUL:		A diploma ?

PRES:		Yes, anyone can have a brain. 
		That’s a very mediocre
		commodity.  Men and women come
		out of universities and think
		great thoughts, but with no
		more brains than you have. 
		But they have one thing you
		haven’t got -- a diploma. 
		Therefore, by virtue of the
		authority vested in me by the
		Universitatus Comiteatum E
		Pluribus Unum, and in
		recognition of your ... uh?
		... specific contribution to
		narrowcasting, I take great
		pleasure in presenting you,
		Paul StLaurent Boothby Moth,
		this honorary degree.

PAUL:		Wow. I’m speechless ... an
		honorary doctorate!

WHELAN:		Well, actually, it’s a
		Bachelor Honoris Causa.

PAUL:		An honorary bachelor’s?  I
		didn’t know they gave those
		out.

WHELAN:		Yes, it’s quite rare.

PAUL:		Wow.  “Issued on this date,
		the ex eye eyeth day of the
		exth month, in the year of our
		lord, em cee em ex cee vee
		eye..”  And it’s beautifully
		printed on parchment..

SFX: RIP.

PAUL:		Oops.

WHELAN:		Not to worry, Paul, we can
		have another printed up in a
		flash.

PAUL:		Gosh, Mom’ll be so proud. 
		Wait ‘til the gang back at the
		office sees this in a frame
		over my desk.

CLERK:		Excuse me, Mr. President?

WHELAN:		What news, good clerk?

CLERK:		Ayaks has rounded up the
		faculty directorate.  The show
		trial is about to begin.

WHELAN:		Excellent!  Now, if you’ll
		excuse me, Paul, I have an
		exam to give.

PAUL:		A show trial, oh boy!


SFX: ENTER LARGE COURTROOM-LIKE
CHAMBER.

CLERK:		All rise.

SFX: RISING AS PAUL SLIPS IN.

PAUL:		Oh good, I haven’t missed a thing.

CLERK:		His Honorisimus
		Clandesticuluss Inquisitoriae
		Academicum, Jan Ayaks (Does
		fanfare with hand-trumpet). 
		All heel.

AYAKS:		Proceed with the proceedings.

COUNCIL:		Could we discuss some
		procedural questions first?

AYAKS:		Proceed.

COUNCIL:		My client--

AYAKS:		Over-ruled. 
		
PAUL:(whispered)  	Natch.

AYAKS:		The defendant will identify
		herself.	

MAUNDER:(brainwashed monotone) My name
		is Beth Maunder. I am Head of
		the Faculty Association--

AYAKS:(screams)  	How can you be head
		of the Faculty Association
		when there is no Faculty
		Association!

PAUL:(whispers) 	That’s a good
		point.

MAUNDER:		...and Associate Professor in
		the Department of Folkways.

AYAKS:		Lies!  There is no Dept. of
		Folkways! We know who you are! 
		You are Ludmila Yushkelnikov,
		anarchist saboteur!

PAUL:(shouts)  	Enemy of the people! 
		Oo, sorry, just getting
		carried away.

MAUNDER:		I’m not Ludmila Yushkelnikov.

AYAKS:		No?  Well, it was worth a
		shot.  Anyway, stop trifling
		and get on with it.  Must we
		wait all day?  You are charged
		with .... some very serious
		charges.  How do you plead?

MAUNDER:		I... I don’t know.

AYAKS:		What?  Haven’t you received a
		prepared confession?  Ach. 
		This will take all day.

MAUNDER:		Oh, wait, this must be it
		here.
		
AYAKS:		Oh, good.

MAUNDER:		I plead guilty of activities
		intended to subvert the good
		fiscal health and planning
		efficiency of the university
		by conspiring with other
		faculty members to create an
		illegal organization to
		terrorize the administration
		and extort moneys for personal
		gain.  I plead guilty to
		secret plans for the
		systematic indoctrination of
		young consumers with the
		ideology of Greek man-boy
		syllogisms...

PAUL:(into mic.)  	Well, this is
		incredible.  Poor Beth -- he
		seems ...numb -- too much
		bohdran-playing, I guess.

AYAKS:		That will be all.  You are
		sentenced to re-education. 
		You will be taken from this
		court and placed immediately
		to the Faculty of Commerce
		where you will enrolled in a
		Master’s of Business
		Administration programme.

CROWD: (evil laughs)

MAUNDER:		No!  No!

AYAKS:		And it is the express hope of
		the court that you emerge a
		useful citizen.  Take her
		away.

MAUNDER:		No, please, etc.!!!!

PAUL:		Ooh, an MBA, that’s rough.

AYAKS:		Who’s next?

CLERK:		Charles Taylor.

PAUL:		Boring!  Charles Taylor -- you
		know they’re going to nail
		him.

AYAKS:		Bring him in!  Hah ha, Taylor,
		what do you have to say for
		yourself now!???!

SFX: PAUL WALKING AWAY FROM UNSJ

PAUL:		And so, our day at UNSJ draws
		to a close.  My visitor’s
		permit is about to expire.

		This has been some experience. 
		The pathways to learning are
		many and varied, they are
		straight and they meand---.

SFX: PAUL TRIPS AND DROPS MIC

		Unting uck. (RIGHTS HIMSELF)

		And we have been privileged
		today.  We have glimpsed some
		of the routes to higher
		learning.

		But whatever it is, I can’t
		help thinking about this
		country and it’s intellectual
		and cultural elite.  I remain
		unconvinced.

		The people running this
		country are all products of
		the academia. That makes
		decision making such an
		inaccurate process ? 
		
		Maybe rooting around in a
		chicken’s intestines isn’t
		such a bad idea after all.

		The god of education may not
		be the answer.
		
		There is no panacea, there is
		no solace, there is no refuge
		from the ills of the world. 
		Neither brains nor learning
		can save us from the chill
		blast of ignorance.

		But nothing can take away this
		degree from me.  A
		Baccalaureate with honour and
		cause.  Just
		look at all this stuff, this
		Latin ... de da, de da, de da
		... “Ogay ookfay ourselfyay.”

		Wow.

MUSIC:	SHOW THEME OUT.

PAUL (in studio):	The Great Eastern comes to you live
		from the studios of the Broadcasting
		Corporation of Newfoundland beautiful
		Duckworth Street in the oldest city
		in North America. 
		
		Hollis Duffett twirled the dials tday
		and the Director of Radio at the BCN
		is, as always, Ish Lundrigan.

		If you’d like to write us, our mail
		slot is open.  If you’re going the
		Royal Mails route, our street address
		is 342 Duckworth St., St. John’s,
		Newfoundland, A1C 1H5, or send us e-
		mail.  That address is
		greateastern@stjohns.cbc.ca.

		My name is Paul Moth.  Join me again
		next Saturday for The Great Eastern:
		Newfoundland’s Cultural Magazine.