PAUL:	I’m in The Five Hole, a 
	legendary gathering place in 
	downtown St. John’s.  
	Comfortably ensconced in their 
	seats at the bar are ...

SFX:	Creaking of chairs

PAUL:	... our experts in matters 
	sporting, Puffy Barbour and 
	Toe Rousell.  Puffy. Toe.  
	Welcome.

P & T:	Paul.

PAUL:	This public house has long 
	been a home away from home for 
	the sporting set of St. 
	John’s, the walls are covered 
	with photos of the city’s 
	athletic legends, trophies and 
	pennants decorate the bar, 
	there are even ..

PUFF:	[Choking, gagging, backslap.]

PAUL:	You ok, Puff?

PUFF:	Bit of pickled weiner...

TOE:	He’ll be fine.

PAUL:	I guess the big story these 
	days is the exclusion, from 
	European competion, of our 
	Newfoundland Junior Hockey 
	Squad because of their 
	continued use of the leg-hold 
	trap.

TOE:	I wouldn’t say so ... Puff?

PUFF:	I’m following the release of 
	the new Tommy Gosse Bonus.

PAUL:	The sneaker?

TOE:	High performance athletic 
	shoe, Paul.

PUFF:	With anti-jamming.

PAUL:	Ya, athletes always do seem to 
	be “jamming” stuff.

PUFF;	This shoe is loaded with 
	super-cooled glycol -- packed 
	in there at very high 
	pressure.

TOE:	That’s the one short-coming of 
	the shoe -- the stuff’s in 
	there at 20,000 pounds per 
	square inch so ...

PUFF:	23,000 p.s.i. with a picture 
	of Tommy Gosse’s tattooed ass 
	on the side. 

TOE:	So if the shoe blows ....

PUFF:	The question of liability in 
	the event of an accident...

TOE:	Which is critical to Tommy’s 
	contract with .... 

PUFF:	That’s right. Revenues are 
	linked.  The manufacturer has 
	a piece of the franchise, 
	which is also in trouble with 
	city council over the new 
	domed stadium.

PAUL:	You think the city might get 
	jumpy if a shoe blows?

TOE:	It’s more complicated than 
	that.

PUFFY:	I’d say.

TOE:	Tommy and the lads on the team 
	are quite heavy into municipal 
	bonds.

PAUL:	Ya Bernard Ayres was big on 
	thos....
	
PUFF:	Those deferrable sinking bonds 
	made my top ten list last 
	year.  Tremendous way for a 
	big time athlete to avoid 
	taxes.  What do you think of 
	Tommy’s ass there, Toe?

TOE:	I don’t know Puff, the man’s 
	got a nice ass but ...

PUFF:	No, the tattoo.

TOE:	One of the more tasteful this 
	year.

PUFF:	Top Ten.

PAUL:	Is he really the kind of 
	person we want as a role model 
	for children, though?

TOE:	He’s rich.

PUFF:	Fast.

TOE:	Tough as nails.

PUFF:	Perhaps a little ... short 
	tempered, but he’s a 
	thoroughbred.

TOE:	And the tattoo,

PUFF:	while ... explicit 

TOE:	... is tasteful.

PUFF:	Instructive even.

TOE:	Ya, a role model.

PUFF 	Top ten.

PAUL:	With all these distractions-- 
	the prospect of a shoe 
	blowing, the domed stadium and 
	the franchise at risk-- do you 
	think the team can maintain 
	their focus?  Do we have a 
	winning season here?

PUFF:	Oh ya!

TOE:	Definitely.

PUFF:	New divisional organization.

TOE:	Wild card.

PUFF:	Expansion next year.

TOE:	And the trading deadline.

PUFF:	Barring a lockout

TOE:	Or a holdout

PUFF:	Or a walkout.

TOE:	Looks good.

PUFF:	A shoe in.

P&T:	(laughter)

PAUL:	So the boys are pumped?

PUFF:	Bumped?

PAUL:	Pumped.

TOE:	What do you mean “pumped”?

PAUL:	You know, “pumped”.

P&T:	[murmurs of non comprehension] 

PAUL:	Anyway, on the heels of 
	Canada’s defeat in the World 
	Cup of Hockey, much talk about 
	the declining calibre of the 
	nation’s players.  Does the 
	fault lie with minor hockey?  
	What are the solutions?
	
PUFFY:	Genetic.

TOE:	Agreed.  Breed a new 
	generation of player up in the 
	Rockies.
	
PUFFY:	The test-tube peewee.

TOE:	The first experiments didn’t 
	go so well, but--

PAUL:	The first experiments?

PUFFY:	Ya, some of Ed Van Impe’s DNA 
	got mixed up with Bobby 
	Hull’s.

TOE:	Vicious slap-shot on the lad, 
	but he could never--

PUFFY:	figure the game out.

TOE:	Skated in circles.

PUFFY:	Bleated like a sheep.

PAUL:	Something’s coming back to me 
	here.  You guys remember the 
	Turk?

TOE:	Derek Sanderson?

PAUL:	Ya.  Well, I remember one 
	night at Studio 54 he told me 
	about the NHL breeding station 
	in the Rockies, but...

PUFFY:	What?

PAUL:	Well, I don’t know, the music 
	was kind of loud and we’d 
	been, well, doing stuff, and I 
	guess I figured it was just 
	one of those things that 
	people say.  Really exists, 
	heh?

PUFFY:	Biotechnology.

TOE:	The future of professional 
	sports.

PUFFY:	Top ten.

PAUL:	Well, as usual, a real eye-
	opener.  Puffy Barbour, Toe 
	Rousell.  Thanks for this, and 
	we’ll see you again soon for 
	another look under the covers 
	of the sporting world.

P & T:	Paul. 	
     
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