SFX:	MOMENT OF BLISTERING FEEDBACK 
LOBBY FOLLOWED BY SMALL CROWD 
MILLING, BAND SETTING UP

TECH:	Is that mic live Paul?

PAUL:	This one?

TECH:	Yeah.

PAUL:	Testing, testing one two.  Is 
	this thing on?

TECH:	Hey Paul, how do you know when a 
	BCN tech is dead?

PAUL:	I don’t know, how?

TECH:	The donut falls out of his hand.

PAUL:	That is so I funny I almost shi 
	..

TECH:	Hey Paul? What ever happened with 
	that Scottish guy that was after 
	you?

PAUL:	(unconscious of open mic) ... I 
	think he means to kill me... 

TECH:	No way !

PAUL:	Oh ya, I got a peace bond, he’s 
	not allowed near ... (whispering) 
	get a load of this band, someone 
	tell them it’s 1996.

ISH:	(shouting across lobby) Time!  
	Look at the time!

PAUL:	What?  Oh judas ... Cue 
	Announcer!  Cue Announcer! 

DOUG:	It’s ...eleven thirty ... six 
	Newfoundland Standard Time.  
	Welcome to the 61st Annual 
	BCN Open House, on The Great 
	Eastern, Nfld’s Cultural 
	Magazine.

	THEME

PAUL:	Allo, Canada, hello, Goth-ahn 
	die-inn Iceland, my name is Paul 
	Moth.  Welcome one and all to the 
	BCN open house.  Step right up, 
	come one, come all, roll up - if 
	you can’t make it in personally, 
	let me be your guide today 
	through hallways and history of 
	the Broadcasting Corporation of 
	Newfoundland. 

SFX:	SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

PAUL:	The Open House is an annual event 
	here at the Broadcasting 
	Corporation of Newfoundland, held 
	every year since 1935.  People 
	visit this venerable old building 
	and get a close up look at the 
	national public radio works.  
	There are tours of the facility, 
	the kids get to go on air, the 
	BCN ladies auxiliary puts on a 
	spread, and the band strikes up a 
	tune ....

SFX:	BAND STARTS

PAUL:	Not just yet, guys.  

	Good crowd in attendance today.  
	Amongst our special visitors is a 
	group of seniors from St. Jude’s 
	Mercy Home.  Let’s talk to a 
	couple.

	How are you today, Sir?

SIR:	Jjdhfsduyf kkfuroejr skjsfurm.

PAUL:	Fabulous.  And you Ma’am, 
	enjoying yourself yet?

NELL:	You don’t remember me, Paul?

PAUL:	Should I?

NELL:	Your Aunt Nell?

PAUL:	Nell?  It’s hazy.

NELL:	I used to baby-sit you.

PAUL:	I’m not ...

NELL:	Years ago.  My you were such a 
	lovely little ...

PAUL:	Anyway, thanks for that.  And 
	over here is the St. Matthew’s 
	fourth Cub scout troop.  Dib dib 
	dib.  

SCOUT:	Dib this, pops.

PAUL:	Why you disgusting little cretin.

SFX:	HEAD SMACK

	Today’s open house is special. It 
	also celebrates the 60th 
	anniversary of our sister 
	broadcaster, the CBC.  While they 
	haven’t contributed materially to 
	our celebration (hard times 
	upalong we understand), they do 
	bring our program to Canadian 
	listeners.  So how about a round 
	of applause for the CBC and the 
	Canadian people who link with us 
	today.

SFX:	GOOD ROUND OF APPLAUSE
 
PAUL:	Joining me now is Ish Lundrigan, 
	Director of Radio.  Ish, I’m sure 
	you want to take this opportunity 
	to pass along your 
	congratulations.

ISH:	Grudgingly.

PAUL:	Ish, come on now ...

ISH:	It must be said, Paul, that last 
	year was the BCN’s sixtieth 
	anniversary.  I pointed this fact 
	out to some of your senior CBC 
	types in Toronto and it was their 
	view that we not make too much of 
	the fact ... said it wouldn’t 
	have any resonance with the 
	Canadian audience.

PAUL:	There’s some truth to ...

ISH:	When in fact they simply didn’t 
	want us stealing any of their 
	thunder.

PAUL:	Don’t be a party pooper, Ish, the 
	poor CBC now, going up the spout.
	
ISH:	I suppose ... Happy Birthday.

SFX: 	APPLAUSE

PAUL:	O.K., thank you, Ish Lundrigan.  
	We’ll be checking in with you 
	again a little later.  Bristol’s 
	Hope, sort of a Newfoundland 
	super group, join us today and 
	here they are with Somebody’s 
	Waiting for Me.

	M U S I C 

SFX:	PAUL WALKING

PAUL:	Hi there, Paul Moth.  Hi, Paul 
	Moth.

SCOTS VOICE:	I hear you, Paul Moth !  I see 
	you !  You ... Paul Moth !

PAUL:	Thank you.  Hey Paul Moth, The 
	Great Eastern. 

VOX:	I don’t know about The Great 
	Eastern.  Is it some sort of 
	in-joke or am I just stupid ? 

PAUL:	(soto voce)  Guess.

	This great old building was 
	once an abattoir.  Many 
	architectural and design 
	features of that former 
	function remain.  The walls 
	were built thick to contain 
	the bellowing and mewling of 
	beasts being led to slaughter, 
	and are perfect for radio 
	broadcast use.  Many of the 
	rooms here, be they studios, 
	offices or the theatre, are 
	affectionately named to 
	reflect their history.  
	
	Thus The Great Eastern’s 
	studio O is “The Killing 
	Floor.”  The lobby is “The 
	Pens.”  Human resources - 
	“Rendering.”  “Your cheque is 
	rendered” they say around 
	here.  You get “dressed” in 
	the news room.  And to chill 
	out where else but “the meat 
	locker.”

SFX:	MEAT LOCKER DOOR OPENS.  
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND ELECTRIC 
BUZZING WITHIN
 
PAUL:	Which is now our smoking room.

SFX:	LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY

PAUL:	Boy, it’s a tight squeeze.

RITA:	Paul.

PAUL:	Rita.

BEN:	Paul.

PAUL:	Ben.

MORRIS:	Paul.

PAUL: 	Morris.

JEROME:	Paul.

PAUL:	Jerome.

ERLING:	Paul.

PAUL:	Erling.

RICKY:	Paul.

PAUL:	Ricky.

HUBIE:	Paul.

PAUL:	Hube.  Hube, what is that 
	buzzing?

HUBIE:	The coils for the new 
	communications array are right 
	behind that wall.

PAUL:	Jeez, doesn’t that worry you, 
	I mean they say that exposure 
	to ... that ... stuff can ... 
	cause cancer.

SFX:	COUGH
 
PAUL:	Right, then.  Off we go.  What 
	happened to Rita?

BEN:	She’s in the tanner.

PAUL:	Oh, we should hear this ...

SFX:	PAUL LEAVES ROOM, BACK DOWN 
HALLWAY

PAUL:	News and more at the BCN ... 
	excuse me, excuse me.  

VOX:	Your show sucks, Moth.

SFX:	CHANGE OF AMBIANCE.  INTO 
STUDIO.

PAUL:	Here we are in storied studio 
	“G”, home of Interred and the 
	hourly news, every hour on the 
	quarter.  Quite a crowd to see 
	Rita Malloy do her thing.  
	Hey, Tom, how’s it going ?
	
SFX:	THEME TO NEWS COME UP OVER 
STUDIO SPEAKERS.

TOM:	There’s something on your 
	mustache there Paul. (THRU 
	TALKBACK) In five, Rita.

PAUL:	What ? Oh, thanks! Dammit, how 
	long has that been there ?

TOM:	Paul, turn off your mic.

RITA:	Hello, I’m Rita Malloy.  This 
	is the BCN Regional News, 
	every hour on the Quarter.  
	Today ... There is No News. 
	Thank you, stay tuned now for 
	your Traffic Alert with 
	Weather Watchdog Erling Biggs
	
PAUL:	Wow!  Gutsy call by the 
	journalists from out in the 
	BCN news room.  That’s the 
	kind of integrity that 
	separates our scribblers from 
	the ambulance chasers at 
	Stations un-named.   

SFX:	WOMEN IN THE STUDIO COO AT 
ERLING’S ENTRANCE.

PAUL:	Hey Erling. (no response) You 
	know I think Erling’s 
	celebrity is going to his 
	head.

WOMAN:	Erling, I’m looking for an 
	autograph for my mother.  Just 
	sign it “the insatiable Erling 
	Biggs.”

WOMAN 2:	He is so adorable.

ERLING:	(over studio speakers)  

PAUL:	I can’t suffer any more of 
	this.

SFX:	AMBIANCE CHANGE OUT OF STUDIO 
INTO HALLWAY AND THEN INTO 
LARGE ROOM.

PAUL:	Ahhh Salon “A”, The Meal Room. 
	And the ladies auxiliary, 
	always good for an excellent 
	grub job.  What have we here ? 
	Oh, the sandwiches with the 
	crusts cut off, how chi-chi.  
	Hey Pal, don’t look in the 
	sandwich and put it back.  
	That’s disgusting.  Oh, date 
	squares, rice crispy cookies, 
	rhubarb pie,  salads ... lets 
	see macaroni, potato  ... 
	ooohh that looks a little 
	dubious .... probably 
	shouldn’t be over the heater 
	like that.  Lot’s of citizens 
	here, who says there’s no such 
	thing as a free lunch.  Look 
	at that guy!  Do you think 
	he’s here for anything but the 
	sandwiches.   Excuse me?

MISS:	Yes?

PAUL:	What do you like about Public 
	Broadcasting?

MISS:	I like where they repeat the 
	programs so much.  Often I 
	find I don’t get a show on the 
	first broadcast, but I finally 
	understand what’s going on 
	when I hear it the second or 
	third time.

PAUL:	That’s true.  And you, ma’am, 
	what do you like about public 
	broadcasting?

WOMAN:	I like where all the hosts are 
	sort of cheerful all the time, 
	even though you know they 
	probably aren’t.

PAUL:	And you sir ... I’m sorry, 
	ma’am.

MA’AM:	I expect more.

PAUL:	Great.  Well, it’s time to 
	head back downstairs to Ish 
	Lundrigan for some more music.  
	Ish ?

WE ENTER IN THE MIDST OF THE 
MCMASTERS TUNES.  IT PLAYS OUT 
AND ENDS TO APPLAUSE

ISH:	The McMasters Tunes.  Let’s 
	have a big hand for Bristol’s 
	Hope!  Baxter Wareham sings 
	and plays accordian, Kelly 
	Russell plays the fiddle, 
	Anita Best and Pamela Morgan 
	are the women in the band, 
	Derek Pelley on bass and 
	Alexander Morris on guitar.  I 
	knew your grandfather 
	Alexander, he was the Band 
	leader for the old BCN 
	Orchestra.  We used to have 
	some kind of an open house 
	back then.  Not to say there 
	isn’t a good crowd here today, 
	not the biggest I’ve seen, 
	certainly nowhere near the 
	smallest, we had a dismal 
	showing back in ‘69, I suppose 
	we were passé then.  But not 
	even close to the hordes that 
	would show up in the late 
	forties and early fifties, men 
	wore hats in those days, 
	whatever happened to men 
	wearing hats ... What?  ... Of 
	course ... time for a request, 
	one of our visitors, Ewan 
	McKewan has asked for The 
	Canoodle Doodle?  Is that 
	right?  Well the band know the 
	tune.  That’s great.  And Ewan 
	has dedicated this tune to our 
	very own Paul Moth. Once again 
	here’s Bristol’s Hope - The 
	Canoodle Doodle.

M U S I C

PAUL:	Good band, what?  

	I’m here now in the home of 
	the Great Eastern, Studio O, 
	the Killing Floor, and as we 
	always do during open house, 
	we’ve turned the microphone, 
	and my post, over to the 
	youngsters.  Hollis Duffet 
	manning the board today.
	
HOLLIS:	Paul.

PAUL:	Perhaps we could hear what 
	this young broadcaster of 
	tomorrow is saying. 

KID:	... the media is controlled by 
	the left, they’re the ones 
	putting the kibosh on the 
	death penalty, because if it 
	were up to us you know we’d be 
	frying Mr. Pothead, Mr. Crack-
	Cocaine in the breakfast 
	cereal, Mr. Gay Theatre 
	extravaganza.  And who runs 
	the media, Women! Uppity 
	Women! Uppity Homosexual 
	Women.  It all started with 
	affirmative action ...

PAUL:	Oh my, kids today ... A little 
	known feature of this studio 
	is that over here, behind the 
	aural excitor stack, is a 
	secret exit.

HOLLIS:	Well I’ll be ...

PAUL:	Hollis my good man, the nooks 
	and crannies of this great old 
	pile hide more mysteries than 
	you think.

SFX:	Paul into echoing stairwell
( DOOR SFX CD 1009 59 03)

PAUL:	Mwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa.  I 
	love doing that.  Now if you 
	go down here.  I think they 
	put these passages in during 
	the war.  Back in the days 
	when I used to ... indulge ... 
	me and the technicians would 
	nip in here to blow a few 
	phatties.  Broadcasting in the 
	early seventies, what a blast.  
	And down here in the guts of 
	the building --the old sausage 
	works -- are the technical 
	shops....

ARI:	Who is there?

PAUL:	Ari?

ARI:	Paul!

PAUL:	I thought you were up manning 
	the Radio Museum.

ARI:	I was, but nobody came.  
	Nobody cares.  My old tubes 
	and transistors cannot compete 
	with the sexual magnetism of 
	weather watch-dog Erling 
	Biggs.

SFX:	FUMBLING

PAUL:	Well, you’ve certainly been 
	busy down here, Ari.

ARI:	Yes, these past days I have 
	been analyzing the tapes of 
	our broadcast sent in by 
	listeners from across 
	Newfoundland.

PAUL:	That’s right, a lot of people 
	are upset with the quality of 
	the new signal off our state 
	of the art equipment -- say 
	they liked the old coal-fired 
	sound better.  Is that 
	possible, Ari?

ARI:	Here, listen to this, sent to 
	us from a woman in 
	Twillingate.

TAPE:	SEGMENT OF EARLIER GREAT 
EASTERN, THINNED RIGHT OUT.

PAUL:	Man, that sounds awful, Ari -- 
	really ... tinny.  Could be 
	her radio, though, I guess...

ARI:	No, Paul, listen while I play 
	it backwards...

SFX:	SATANIC VOICE OF SAMPLER: “A 
	leaner, meaner public 
	broadcaster for the ‘90s”.

PAUL:	Oh my God!  What was that?

ARI:	Sampler!

PAUL:	Huh...

ARI:	Over here, Paul, what do you 
	think this is?

PAUL:	If I didn’t know better I’d 
	say that was a cerebradio?  

ARI:	You would be right.

PAUL:	I thought the design had been 
	lost when your former partner 
	Eldon Basha vanished.

ARI:	No I had Eldon’s design, 
	encrypted.  

PAUL:	What, like code?

ARI:	That’s what I said.  Finally, 
	after many years I broke it.  
	An inverted Cyrillic 
	anagramatic acrostic.

PAUL:	Those can be tough.

ARI:	As you know, Eldon and I had 
	our differences over the 
	cerebradio.  Eldon saw a day 
	when we would all have 
	receivers permanently 
	implanted in our brains. 

PAUL:	Wild.

ARI:	The signal was to originate 
	from a giant monolithic 
	Broadcasting Centre here in 
	St. John’s. He had gone too 
	far!  Beyond the pale!  He was 
	proposing a virtual radio 
	revolution.  Public 
	broadcasting, twenty-four 
	hours a day, three-hundred and 
	sixty-five days a year from 
	your sixteenth birthday until 
	the day you died.  

PAUL:	Diabolical!

ARI:	He knew we were going to stop 
	him, whatever the cost. 

PAUL:	Downsized?

ARI:	What else could we do.  He was 
	enraged, he vowed revenge.  If 
	public broadcasting was not to 
	go his way, then Public 
	Broadcasting would be 
	destroyed.

PAUL:	Yoicks.

ARI:	Eldon crossed the line, Paul, 
	he gave himself over to the 
	radio realm where he now 
	exists as an energy force 
	known only as Sampler.  And 
	now today, with Public 
	Broadcasting in such grave 
	jeopardy, he is about to make 
	good on his threat !

PAUL:	This is fascinating Ari but 
	...

ARI:	There is not a moment to lose. 
	But I am old.  The shock of 
	the cerebradio would kill me.  
	You, Paul, you must visit the 
	radio realm and stop Sampler.

PAUL:	You know if there was anything 
	I could do but where like I’m 
	an employee of public radio, I 
	feel kind of conflicted.

ARI:	You are the only hope.

PAUL:	I’ve still got to ...

ARI:	Will you take the sub-cranial 
	implant?

PAUL:	Oh ... Sure, why not.

ARI:	Brace yourself Paul.

PAUL:	What’s that ... thing for ?

SFX:	THE MEAT SLURPY

ARI:	For the awakening mind.

PAUL:	Argggghhh. (now very nasal) 
	Jeez Ari, I’m not getting a 
	buzz at all here ... oh wait 
	.... 

ARI:	You must convince Sampler that 
	his plan is futile.  Here you 
	see I have received from the 
	highest levels of government a 
	commitment of stable multi-
	year funding.

PAUL:	Who is going to believe that?

ARI:	You’re right.

PAUL:	Ooooooh, now that’s a 
	rushshshshshsh...

ARI:	We must disconnect Eldon from 
	his Cerebradio.

PAUL:	But how ?

ARI:	You must lure  to 99.1 FM, the 
	only spot on the dial where he 
	can’t hide ... once there I 
	will deregulate the 
	cerebradio.

PAUL:	Well, I’ll try...  Heh, wait, 
	I’m on the AM band !!!

ARI:	Find Eldon and destrooooooy 
	himmmmm.

PAUL:	Ariiiiiiiiiiii.....

SFX:	PAUL’S RADIO TRAVELS BEGIN, 
FIRST WE HEAR MEANINGLESS 
RADIO SIGNALS, SNIPPETS OF 
BROADCASTS THEN THINGS COME IN 
CLEARER, THE HEAD OF THE SHOW 
GOES BY

PAUL:	It’s the show.  I’m in the 
	radio!  Watch out Manitoba 
	west!  Here I come!  Ha Ha.  
	SOOO many signals, like a 
	billion tiny fingers, under my 
	skin... oooooo, satellite 
	downlink .... OOOOOH MY!  

ELDON:	PAUL!

PAUL:	What?  Who’s there?

ELDON:	It’s me Paul, Eldon Basha.

PAUL:	Sampler?

ELDON:	I’ve been listening to you.

PAUL:	Listen Pal, stop messing with 
	public broadcasting!
	
ELDON:	You will do my bidding Paul 
	Moth or I’ll mess with more 
	than public broadcasting.

PAUL:	ARRGGGGGGGHHH.

ELDON:	That was simple change of 
	channel my friend.  There’s 
	much worse.

PAUL:	What do you want?

ELDON:	You are to be my agent in the 
	realm of the corporal.  All I 
	ever wanted to do was improve 
	the afternoon schedule and 
	they THWARTED ME! 

PAUL:	Wait a second, buddy.  What 
	about the brain implants ... 
	what about your monolithic 
	Broadcast centre ?

ELDON:	How was I to know the real 
	estate market would collapse!

	But the naysayers will pay. 
	Not with a bang, but a 
	whimper.  Services are slowly 
	being dismantled.  Soon 
	nothing will be left.  They’re 
	getting weaker with every 
	budget !  You will help me put 
	in the final knife !

PAUL:	Listen Sampler, I’m a little 
	uncomfortable with this so ... 
	perhaps I’ll be going, best of 
	luck with the project.
	
ELDON:	Come back here.

PAUL:	No way, I am out of here!

SFX:	ELDON PURSUES PAUL ACROSS THE 
DIAL

ELDON:	Do you think you can hide from 
	Sampler?

PAUL:	AAAAAAHHH.

ELDON:	Fool.

SFX:	LORNA JACKSON PASSES BY

PAUL:	LORNA?  LORNA HELP ME. LORNA 
THIS ISN’T FUNNY!

ELDON:	AHA!  How’s this for radio to 
	call your own!

PAUL:	AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 
	HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
	HHHHHHHHHHHH!


Page 27 of 27	BCN OPEN HOUSE - SHOW #6