PAUL:	I’m pleased to welcome ... 
	back I guess ... to the Great 
	Eastern, Felix Mullet, host of 
	this television season’s smash 
	hit, Monkey Shines

FELIX:	Great to be back.

PAUL:	We should explain that before 
	he went on to private 
	television success, Felix was 
	a researcher / assistant here 
	at The Great Eastern ...

FELIX:	Technically I was a sub-
	assistant.

PAUL:	Hey what’s the diff.

FELIX:	Three thousand four hundred 
	and sixty two dollars a year.

PAUL:	Ouch ... sorry ....

FELIX:	It’s OK.  I make more than 
	that every week now.

PAUL:	You make over three thousand 
	dollars a week!  Wow.  The 
	radio thing just doesn’t ... 
	hey, I don’t have to tell you.  
	Let’s talk about Monkey 
	Shines.

FELIX:	Basically it just pranks.  My 
	crew and I stage pranks, 
	simple to very elaborate, and 
	we videotape the results.  
	That’s the show.

PAUL:	Over three thousand dollars. 
	There are regular bits.

FELIX:	Yes.

PAUL:	We have clip from one of 
	favourites, “I’m not really a 
	doctor.”

SFX:	OPERATING ROOM

FELIX:	How are you, Mr. Healey?

HEALEY:	A little nervous.

FELIX:	You understand why you must 
	remain conscious during the 
	neural surgery. ?

HEALEY:	Yes.  The other Doctor 
	explained it all to me.

FELIX:	Doctor?  I should explain to 
	you, Mr. Healey, that I’m not 
	really a Doctor.

SFX:	OPERATING THEATRE STAFF 
LAUGHS.  BACK TO LAUGHING PAUL

PAUL:	Oh that’s good.  By the way, 
	how did the surgery go.

FELIX:	He came through fine.

PAUL:	Now Felix, the question that 
	everyone asks, about “I’m not 
	Really a Doctor” and other 
	features like “Can Anyone 
	Aboard Fly A Plane” and “One 
	More Step and I’ll Kill Him” 
	is how did you get in there?
	
FELIX:	We’ve found that everybody 
	wants to be on television.  
	And they’ll agree to just 
	anything to appear.  The two 
	delightful women that are on 
	the show with me?

PAUL:	Your hostesses, yes.

FELIX:	They had sex with me to get 
	those roles.

PAUL:	No way.

FELIX:	Way.

PAUL:	That’s great.  Funny, hey, we 
	have to beg people to come on 
	this show.  I mean, you only 
	came over today to point out 
	how much better off you are 
	since you left, and as for sex 
	... ah shag it.  We have 
	another clip.

SFX:	FELIX ON FUZZY P.A. TO LARGE 
ROOM

FELIX:	This news is as much of shock 
	to me as it is to you.  I’ve 
	done everything I could but 
	it’s final.  The mine is to be 
	closed.

SFX:	MURMUR OF DISBELIEF

FELIX:	And where the town is 
	basically a company town, I’m 
	told that you are all to be 
	displaced, the town site 
	leveled and sold for scrap.

VOX:	(from crowd) What if we don’t 
	go!

FELIX:	First they’ll set hounds on 
	you and if that doesn’t work 
	I’m told they’ll come in with 
	air-strikes.

VOXB:	They canna do it!  We’ve got a 
	contract!

FELIX:	Listen old fellow, this is the 
	nineties, that contract isn’t 
	worth the paper it’s written 
	on.  Now I suggest you people 
	stop your complaining and 
	begin packing up, you’ve got 
	six hours to clear out.
	
BACK TO PAUL

PAUL:	(laughing to kill himself)  
	And they ... they all were 
	gone ... gone in six hours.

FELIX:	In four.

	Paul.

PAUL:	(SQUEALS, CRIES A LITTLE)  Too 
	good.

	You know, Felix, that I love 
	the show, but there have been 
	some cry-babies who note that 
	your program is a direct 
	knock-off of an American show, 
	The Latest Shenanigans Show, 
	and essentially that’s true.

FELIX:	I’d only seen thirty or forty 
	episodes of The Latest 
	Shenanigans Show before I put 
	my show together and I loved 
	it!  I’m tremendously 
	flattered to be accused of 
	plagiarizing the creative 
	template of such good work.

PAUL:	And so you should be.  It’s 
	soon to come off the privates 
	and go on CBC ?

FELIX:	Ya, there’s a Monday slot we 
	are talking about.

PAUL:	BCN alumni Felix Mullet, knock 
	‘em dead.

FELIX:	Thanks.

PAUL:	Three thou ... wow.

Page 7 of 7	MONKEYSHINES - SHOW # 8