GE 1997-8 Season 4 Episode 21: Bonhomme
Note: this is not a transcript, but a working draft of the script, so there may be differences in the aired version.
Paul: He's here in town, training, as he does every year, for
his seasonal gig in Quebec, we at the Great Eastern are
pleased to welcome Bonhomme Carnival.
Bon: Bonjour Paul.
Paul: You spend every January and February here in Newfoundland.
You train hard. The carnival is, I understand, an incredibly
Bon: I'm ... gratified to hear you say that, I have been ...
people have complained, they have said, "it's only three weeks
work every year", "all he have to do is wave and drink""he come
in here, smash up the place and have sex with my wife we are
from Utah ..." all dat.
Paul: But few realize that, in fact, you carry the burden of
being Bonhomme Carnival, all year.
Paul: It must be horrible.
Bon: You are everybody friend during Carnival and then afterward
you are no better than dirt.
Paul: A freakish mistake of nature. You're from Brittany?
Bon: Oui, we are Breton.
Paul: You say we.
Paul: No, "we" ... you and others.
Bon: It's an awkward language, French.
Paul: True ... all those gender things and non of the music
of say Italian ... I digress ... when you say "we" I assume
you are refering to your siblings ...
Paul: ... The Michelin man and ...
Bon: don't say 'is name.
Paul: I understand it is hard for you to talk about this.
Bon: I have not spoken to my brother, L'Homme Michelin
in twenty-two years.
Paul: Why the break?
Bon: Few people now realize that the act was originally
"Les Hommes Michelin".
Paul: The Michelin Men.
Bon: C'est vrai. We would do all the auto show, people
loved us and then behind my back he cut from the deal!
Paul: What did you do?
Bon: What could I do. A large puffy white fellow from Brittany ...
Paul: If I might interject, you're family all suffer from?
Bon: Le "pouf-pouf" it is a syndrooome.
Paul: Please continue.
Bon: I 'ad no job, no prospects, I worked for a creme glace
business for some months but the money was not good. Then
the ad in the paper, The Carnival in Quebec was looking for
Paul: Your brother was upset with this career move.
Bon: He said I was turning my back on France. We fought
bitterly and then ... I left.
Paul: And now all these years in Quebec.
Bon: It is like a prison sentance. (starts to weep)
I miss France, I miss my family ....
Paul: Bonhomme, I don't know whether it's appropriate for
us to ... spring this on you, but here, today, in the Studio ...
SFX: Door opens.
SFX: Hugging, kissing, back slapping etc.
Paul: (a little choked up) This is so beautiful.
Mic: I am sorry Bonhomme, I was wrong.
Bon: It's okay. Perhaps I 'ad to find my own way in
this crazy mixed up world.
Mic: You are looking good.
Bon: I was losing some weight but ... with the gig I
went right back on the poutine.
Paul: So you have to keep the extra pounds on.
M&B: Oui, oui ...
Mic: A skinny white puffy ... it is unthinkable.
Bon: A scandal.
Paul: But, I feel I must bring this up, there is a
Paul: Living in the United States. Working, like
yourselfs, in the show business.
Paul: I speak, of course, of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Mic: IS 'E 'ERE! I WILL CUT 'IS THROAT!
Bon: WHY DO YOU TORMENT HIM?
Paul: YOU CAN'T RUN FROM THE TRUTH!
Mic: 'E IS A DISGRACE TO THE TRADITION OF ALL FRENCH
PATESSIERE! I WILL KILL HIM!
Paul: Please, please, settle down.
SFX: slow settling.
Paul: The nature of the pastry he endorses then, is the
root of your disargreement.
Bon: More, so much more.
Mic: 'E deny 'is French roots, he humiliate all with
Le Syndoooome Pouf-Pouf.
Bon: 'E has no dignity.
Paul: And he's on the line from Decateur, Illinois.
Pils: I'm embarassed to be related to you pathetic worms ...
Bon: We will never forget the shame.
Pils: I am proud to be an American and I'm proud of the
television and print work I've done.
Bon: This pastry you speak for, it has no flavour, no
texture, it is ...
Pils: Give it a rest. The days of labour intensive,
neighbourhood pastry manufacture are over. The fresh baguette,
the croissant, are artifacts.
Mic: Same it isn't true.
Bon: Don't listen to him Michelin!
Pils: The truth hurts.
Bon: C'est vrai, so you must accept that you have not
been seen lately on television.
Pils: Don't mess with me Bonhomme!
Bon: You are living in a dream world! You are a
dough "boy" no more.
Mic: You are old and ugly.
Bon: And there a few prospects for a dough "man"
Pils: (weeping) It's true, the phone never rings anymore,
unless it's for some game show, they've abandoned me.
Bon: Come home dough boy .... come home.
Paul: (choking back the tears) This is so beautiful.