GE 1997-8 Season 4 Episode 29: Paulitorial
Note: this is not a transcript, but a working draft of the script, so there may be differences in the aired version.
PAUL:	We are almost half-way through winter, its 
	darkling snow freshened recently by a baker's dusting 
	of fine white powder - spring is almost in the air.

	The skies on occasion have turned a brilliant blue, 
	the air is fresh and bracing, the slobby snow freezes 
	into a stubbly custard crust.  Temperatures rise and 
	fall, and we go from slob to crust to slob again.  
	A townie's delight.
	The available evidence convinces us that only another 
	couple of months of this and then we'll be in to the 
	elusive vernal season.

	Our response ? ... "Off we go, into the wild blue 
	yonder, riding high, into the sky !"

	Yes, it's the time of year invented by travel agencies 
	to take advantage of us.

	The getaway.  

	Flee to the blistering sun, the boiling sand, the 
	bare-breasted beauties, the funny drinks served in fruit 
	with plastic decorations, the life-defying leap from an 
	airplane with a bungee cord attached to your ankle, 
	snorkeling amongst poisonous jellyfish, electric eels and 
	other man-eating marine monsters.

	Six days and four nights in an all-expenses paid Mexican 
	resort motel, return flight to Toronto.  How can we deny 
	the attractions ?


	Let me tell you.  Big whoop.

	This is something I've been trying to explain to Mom because, 
	well, she's been all hopped up for three weeks now, panting 
	for some surf and sand.

	I have very little advice for her and for you when it comes 
	to holiday adventures, two words in fact - be ware.

	Like most other experiences in this life, travel is not all 
	it's cracked up to be.

	"We couldn't get you a flight to your destination, but there 
	is an overland route from the port of entry."

	Tramp steamer connected to the ... local bus, local bus 
	connected to the ... caravan, caravan connected to the ... 

	"We appear to be having trouble with our flaps, but it may 
	only be a defective light on the control panel. We will be 
	boarding once again shortly."  

	You can spot the insurance machine by the lineup.  

	"I'm sorry, sir, there's no record that you boarded any 
	luggage.  Are you sure you had three suitcases?"

	Some poor traveler in Berlin  looking at my tourister set 
	going around on the carousel while I look at hers.

	Don't drink the water, don't get in the water, don't change 
	money on the streets, don't eat any of the food, don't get 
	in a taxi, don't go out at night, don't buy the dope, don't 
	go down dark alleys, don't make friends, watch out for the 
	flies, and ... just relax in the comfort of your supposedly 
	air-conditioned room, until you're delivered from the misery 
	of your holiday to the joy of an airport full of travellers.

	"I'm sorry, sir, your flight doesn't leave at twelve noon 
	today, it left at midnight yesterday."

	There's something to be said for the dull but dependable 
	slush of home.

	Are you listening Mom ?