DOUG:	THE BCN THING

PAUL :	You can imagine my excitement 
        last week when I hit play on
        my answering machine and heard 
        the following.

SFX:	CLICK OF ANSWERING MACHINE

VOX:	... is the policy of Columbia 
        House records, and I’m afraid 
        you’ll have to pay within ...

PAUL:	Ooops, wrong message.

SFX:	TAPE FAST FORWARDS

GER:	Here it is Paul, from the 
        department of wildlife ... I’m 
        opening it up ...

SFX:	LETTER RIPS OVER PHONE

GER:	Skin Cabin Pond!  Cape Shore 
        32, Bull Only!  Tell your Mom 
        to heat her hob, Paul!  We’ll 
        have our Moose this year!
    
PAUL:	Yes, my old pal Ger got the 
        moose license.  It was time to 
        once against convene a meeting 
        of the my oldest pals, the 
        boys, time to swaddle yourself 
        in blaze orange, oil the 303, 
        pack a lunch and head for the 
        woods.  This, then, is my 
        moose hunting journal 

SFX:	CROSS TO PAUL’S BASEMENT

PAUL:	We’re in the basement of Moth 
        Manor on Quidi Vidi road to 
        plan our moose hunting 
        expedition to Skin Cabin Pond.  
        I’m joined by my old buddies 
        Bill Murphy ...

BILL:	Present.

PAUL:	Bill is two weeks sober I 
        believe.

BILL:	Two weeks, three days, six 
        hours and seventeen minutes.

ALL:	Rah rah

GER:	It was the right thing to do.  
        You were out of control Bill.

BILL:	Yeah.

PAUL:	Also here is Gerry Cadigan.

GER:	(leaning into mic) A big 
        Newfoundland hello to Canada.

PAUL:	That’s fine Ger.  I’m doing 
        like an audio diary thing, 
        audio verite, so you don’t 
        have to, you know, goof it up.  
        And boys, this is a voice-
        activated microphone, so you 
        want to be careful with the 
        language.  Okay?

GER:	Sure.

PAUL:	And Ger has brought along a 
        ... friend, local social 
        activist and house husband, 
        Farley Monk.

FAR:	Great to with the men, fourth 
        in the circle. 

	SILENCE

PAUL:	So, I’ll get Mom to pack some 
        grub.

GER:	We can take my truck.

BILL:	What of fire power? I got my 
        Burmeister Buffallo, three 
        ought three.

SFX:	SLUG IN CHAMBER

GER:	Here’s the old Schikenbron 
        Double Bore.

SFX:	SLUG IN CHAMBER

        Farley?

FAR:	Oh, I could never fire a gun.

silence.

BILL:	What are you packing, Paul?

PAUL:	Let’s check the old gun 
        locker.  I haven’t even looked 
        at these since I was in Los 
        Angeles.

SFX:	Locker opens

PAUL:	Let’s see Uzi auto pistol, AK-
        47, Galil machine gun ...

BILL:	Jeez, Paul, what are you doing 
        with all the artillery ?

PAUL:	When in Rome.

FAR:	You must have had a lot of 
        aggression.

PAUL:	You don’t know the half of it. 
        I had some dental work done in 
        LA, and I figured the CIA put 
        a tracking device in one of my 
        fillings so that I’d lead them 
        to my old Mexican Producer, 
        Coco Cabrera.  Needless to say 
        I was spooked.

FAR:	The CIA was tracking you!

PAUL:	In the end it ... it was the 
        speed balls talking .  Anyway 
        lots of guns.

        Ah, here it is, boys, the 
        weapon of choice.  Freedom 
        Arms 454 with the 10” barrel 
        and night sights.

GER:	A handgun, Paul ?  Moose 
        hunting ?

PAUL:	I stopped a `78 Chevy Caprice 
        in its tracks with this baby, 
        Ger.  Delivers a ton of 
        energy.

        But if I am not mistaken, Bill 
        has the secret weapon.

P,B,G:	CONSPIRATORAL LAUGHTER

BILL:	Indeed I do, straight out of 
        my freezer.

SFX:	LARGE FROZEN CHUNK ON TABLE

P,B,G:	cheers

FAR:	What is it?

BILL:	The cock and balls of a bull 
        moose.

FAR:	OH WOW!  I’ve read about this.  
        The men of the Sagoonay tribe 
        of Oougubomba do this.

PAUL:	Do what?

FAR:	Perform a ritual dance with 
        the sexual organs of a large 
        ruminent before the hunt. (he 
        sings and dances) Oouga ouga 
        ouga

PAUL:	No, no, no, Farley.  It’s 
        because of the hunting 
        license, “Bull Only”.

FAR:	Sorry?

BILL:	If we shoot a cow we’ve got 
        Mr. Moose’s gear here to show 
        the Warden.

FAR:	Ooooh, I see. We could still 
        do the dance.

BILL:	What in the name of god are 
        you getting on with Farley?

FAR:	Well whatever.  Paul, where’s 
        the little boys room?

PAUL:	Upstairs.  Don’t mind Mom.

SFX:	FARLEY EXITS

BILL:	What was that?

PAUL:	Where did you find Farley?

GER:	He’s the circle leader in my 
        men’s group.

BILL:	Men’s group?   Is that some 
        kind of homo thing?

GER:	Nooooo!  It’s to develop mens 
        sensitivity.

PAUL:	Mens Group!

GER:	Pamela insisted I join, get in 
        touch with my feminine side.

BILL:	Pamela’s a wing ding.

GER:	That’s my fiance you’re 
        talking about there pal!

PAUL:	Shhh Shhhh Here comes Farley.

FARLEY:	So when do we start?

PAUL:	Tommorrow and four o’clock in 
        the morning.	

SFX:	IRVING RESTAURANT

PAUL:	Cripes, I need more sleep.

GER:	I slept like a baby.

BILL:	I find now, not drinking, I 
        have these horrible dreams ...

FAR:	You should try Melatonin

BILL:	Is that like ‘Ludes?  Do you 
        have ‘Ludes?

WAIT:	Hey Guys.

ALL:	hellos

WAIT:	Coffees all around ?

P,B,G:	Yeah, sure ...

FAR:	Do you have herbal teas?

WAIT:	No.

FAR:	Okay, just some spring water.  
        I love these booths, it’s just 
        like our mens circle.  Here, 
        Bill, give me your hand.

BILL:	DON’T ... touch me Farley.  

FAR:	No problem.  You know I’ve 
        really got to pee.

PAUL:	Go pee.

FAR:	No ... it’s ... oh wait, its 
        clear, I’m going.

BILL:	Ger, what is it with this guy 
        and the bathroom?

GER:	He’s got this toilet anxiety 
        thing he’s working through.

BILL:	What?

GER:	He can’t urinate in front of 
        other men.

PAUL:	That can be rough.

SFX:	CROSS TO INTERIOR CAR.  LONG 
SILENCE

GER:	I don’t know about this, boys.

BILL:	He’ll be fine.

PAUL:	Just leaving him there like 
        that.  Oh look, his coat is 
        back here.

BILL:	Just forget it.  He’ll be 
        fine.

GER:	I don’t know, Bill, Farley’s 
        pretty sensitive.

BILL:	Shut up, Ger.  Shit, I am 
        parched for a drink.

PAUL:	Listen, listen, turn up the 
        radio, turn up the radio.

SFX:	EXTERIOR FOOTSTEPS.  DOOR 
CREAKS OPEN.  FOOTSTEPS INSIDE

PAUL:	Ahhhh, the old shack at Skin 
        Cabin Pond, a rustic reminder 
        of the old Terra Nova that 
        used to be.

BILL:	This is desperate.

GER:	It’s no worse than it ever 
        was.

BILL:	The booze certainly cast this 
        dump in a rosier light.

PAUL:	Don’t think like that, Bill.

BILL:	OOOOOOOH I NEEEEED A DRINK.

GER:	Well, there’s no booze along, 
        Paul saw to that.

BILL:	Thanks Paul, you’re a real 
        pal.

PAUL:	You’re welcome.  The sun will 
        soon be up, lets go get our 
        moose.

SFX:	CROSS TO OUTDOORS

	CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS THROUGH THE 
FOREST.  TENSE, HEAVY 
BREATHING. BOYS IN RAISED 
WHISPERS THROUGHOUT

BILL:	A few signs.

GER:	Yes boy, a few signs.

PAUL:	Any signs, boys?

BILL:	Yes, a few signs.

SFX:	MORE FOOTSTEPS

BILL:	Look at this.

GER:	That looks pretty fresh.

PAUL:	Sure there’s steam comin off 
        it.

BILL:	I say he’s close.

PAUL:	What?

GER:	Shhhhh.

SFX:	MORE FOOTSTEPS

BILL:	I say he’s real close.

PAUL:	Is that...?

SFX:	ALL MEN START FIRING WILDLY 
INTO THE WOODS, SHOTS BRING 
MORE SHOTS AND THEN SHOUTS OF 
ALARM

BILL:	Whoooah.

GER:	WHOOOAH

BILL:	HOLD OFF!

	THE MEN’S HEARTS ARE POUNDING 
FURIOUSLY

BILL:	Okay there, Paul ?

PAUL:	Fine here.  Ger ?

GER:	Good here, good here, all men 
        accounted for?

BILL:	All accounted for.

PAUL:	All accounted for.  Wheeew!

BILL:	Boys oh boys oh boys, my 
        nerves.

GER:	Move on then?

PAUL:	Sure.

BILL:	Ah ... I ... wouldn’t mind 
        going back for ...a change of 
        pants myself.

GER:	I’m with you Bill.

PAUL:	That makes three.

SFX:	RETURN TO THE CABIN AT NIGHT

GER:	We’ll have better luck 
        tomorrow.

BILL:	(mocking him)  We’ll have 
        better luck tomorrow.

PAUL:	Pickled wiener, Bill?

BILL:	Argggh, food.

GER:	We used to have better luck 
        when Bill would do his moose 
        call.

PAUL:	Yeah, Bill would get tanked 
        up, totally loaded, cover 
        himself in mud and let go with 
        the moose call.

GER:	Never failed.

PAUL:	Give us the moose call, Bill.

BILL:	Nah.

GER:	Come on boy, Bill, the old 
        moose call.

BILL:	(a feeble attempt) 
        gnnoooonck....

GER:	No that’s not it.

PAUL:	Put more into it.

BILL:	(no better) gnnnnnoock.

GER:	No.

BILL:	I say tomorrow we go on up 
        past the Lucifer Gulllies, 
        there’s always moose up there.

PAUL:	It’s a bit of a hike.

BILL:	Come on, Paul

PAUL:	Okay, okay ...

SFX:	CROSS TO NEXT DAY, VERY DEEP 
IN THE WOODS

BILL:	WE ARE NOT LOST!

GER:	(very distraught)  WE ARE!  WE 
        ARE LOST!

PAUL:	It’s getting pretty dark, I 
        don’t think we’ll ... hey look 
        at that, a cabin.

SFX:	BOYS RUSH OVER

BILL:	Jezus Murphy.

GER:	Is it locked?

SFX:	HEAVY RAIN STARTS, GUN SHOT, 
WOOD SPLINTERS

BILL:	Not any more.

SFX:	CROSS TO INSIDE CABIN

PAUL:	This is a bit of luck.

BILL:	Doesn’t look like any one has 
        been here in years.

GER:	Look, a few old cans of beans.

PAUL:	“John Franklin’s Beans”, I 
        mean what can go wrong with 
        canned food ?

	PAUL OPENS AND STARTS TO EAT

GER:	Jeez, Paul, I don’t know if 
        you should be eating those.

PAUL:	(FACE FULL OF BEANS)  They’re 
        from a tin, Ger.  Come on, 
        boy.

        Look, there in the corner, 
        there’s an old microphone.  
        And wire recordings.

BILL:	Oh, boy.

PAUL:	This must be Ron Gellately’s 
        cabin.  He used to be the host 
        of this show, The Great 
        Eastern.  He used to do Boil-
        up from here.

BILL:	Ask me if I care, Paul.

PAUL:	(BEANS IN FACE)  This is 
        freaking me out.

GER:	And what’s this ?

BILL:	It’s ... it’s rum.

PAUL:	Don't, Bill.

BILL:	I’m cool, I’m cool.  This 
        stuff is ancient, though.  
        Look ... Young Sam, Lieutenant 
        Morgan.

PAUL:	I guess we should bunk down 
        here for the night, try to 
        make it back to our cabin 
        tomorrow.

BILL:	Dark rum.

PAUL:	Go lie down, Bill.

BILL:	Yeah okay

SFX:	CROSS TO PAUL’S SNORES

GER:	Wake up, Paul.  Paul?

PAUL:	Don’t probe me ... don’t probe 
        me.

GER:	WAKE UP!

SFX:	RUSTLE OF PAUL WAKING.  CLICK 
OF GUN

PAUL:	GET BACK, AGNEW!  I’LL SHOOT!

GER:	IT’S ME ... GERRY!

PAUL:	Ohhhh I’m back in desert ... a 
        ship ... Detective Agnew.

GER:	It’s the beans, Paul, the 
        beans must have been bad.

PAUL:	What’s going on?

GER:	Bill’s gone.

PAUL:	What?

GER:	So is the rum.

PAUL:	Oh my.

	SUDDENLY SAVAGE MOOSE CRIES 
FROM OUTSIDE, GUN FIRE, 
SEVERAL SHOTS ENTER CABIN.  
GER AND PAUL PANIC, SCREAM AND 
YELL.  ONE DEMOLISHES THE TAPE 
MACHINE

Page 21 of 21	THE BOYS GO GET THEIR MOOSE - SHOW # 6