GE 1997-8 Season 4 Episode 8: Humanity Testing
Note: this is not a transcript, but a working draft of the script, so there may be differences in the aired version.
PAUL: We've seen it before. A group of naive celebrities,
Canadians this time, have been taken in by some Animal rights
hucksters and come out against the seal hunt. Who can say why
these leather clad, foie gras munching, eight cylinder arseholes
prove such easy marks? Is it, in the end, because actors are
often very stupid? But this latest case of save the meat has a
twist, in an effort to find work for those displaced from the
sealing industry, the International Fund for Animal Welfare, the
IFAW, have opened Humanity Testing , a consumer product evaluation
facility, here in the Osbourne Industrial Park. I'm with the Project
Manager Fraser Monchy.
FRAS: Hello Paul.
PAUL: Explain what's going on here.
FRAS: Very simply we are performing experiments on humans that would
formerly have been conducted using animal subjects.
PAUL: But not just any humans.
FRAS: No, to inaugurate the labs, the group of celebrities that
launched the protest have volunteered.
PAUL: Good for them, that's getting behind your cause.
FRAS: Do you want to see?
PAUL: What's this now?
FRAS: There, on the other side of the glass, we are testing a
new shampoo, determining whether the product can irritate the eyes.
PAUL: And if I'm not mistaken that's Captain Kirk strapped to the chair.
FRAS: Yes, William Shatner is our test subject, they are now
applying the solution to his eyes. In the past they would do this
to bunny rabbits.
PAUL: Very cruel.
SFX: Suddenly blood curdling screams from within.
FRAS: And you can see that there is some irritation.
PAUL: A question of methodology here Mr. Monchy, William Shatner is ...
well he's not a thespian known for his light touch.
FRAS: You think he may be over-acting?
PAUL: I would point to episode 7, The Enemy Within, The good and evil Jim Kirk.
FRAS: In the end the two Jim's have it out.
PAUL: Right (hums fight theme)
FRAS: (joins in)
PAUL: CBC television should really run that again. Lets move
on shall we.
PAUL: I'd recognize her anyday, that's ... that's ... that's
FRAS: Cynthia Dale, or as we know and love her - Olivia the ambitious
slut from Street Legal.
PAUL: No, no, no ... it's...
FRAS: No it is Cythia Dale. She's participating in trials of a
PAUL: Scary. Still Mr. Monchy the hypocrisy of it all irks me.
This woman, getting on her high horse about the seal hunt and
she's a meat eater.
FRAS: I don't think so.
PAUL: I've heard different.
FRAS: Oh they're about to boil Geoff Pevere in a bag, would you
like to watch?
PAUL: Unfortunately I've got the cab waiting. Thanks for the
tour and please thank these celebrity test subjects for me.