PAUL:	Downwardly descending, declining bottomward in an 
	ever tightening spiral, from now 'til then, I travel 
	the steps of time, to the Vault, retreat of BCN's 
	director of radio, time's guardian, my boss, Ish Lundrigan.

SFX:	DOOR OPENS
	
Salve, brave custodian.

ISH:	Paul.

PAUL:	Ish, am I right, there ?  Do you think going back in 
	time is a 'narrowing' of existence or a broadening of it ?

ISH:	I don't know what you're talking about, boy.

PAUL:	Is there more to experience in the future, are we 
	proceeding in to a time of potential, or are we receding 
	from maximum possibility toward a time when we will have 
	no options available ?

SILENCE

	I see you'd rather talk about this later.

ISH:	Yes, boy, give myself what few options are available.

PAUL:	Let there be sound !  What have you from the legacy of 
	time past for us today ?

ISH:	Time keeps on ticking, Paul, into the future.

PAUL:	I don't under ...

ISH:	There was a time in this fair land when ...

PAUL:	Oh, I get it ... "when the railroads did not run, 
	When the cool majestic mountains stood alone against the sun."

SILENCE

ISH:	Do you want to go back out and come in again, Paul ?

SILENCE

PAUL:	No, sir.

ISH:	Alright.  Now, Paul, today in the Vault I have some 
	tape from BCN's first attempt at establishing a program based 
	around what was, at the time, a new technology ... the telephone.

PAUL:	Don't keep me on hold.

ISH:	"Telephoney" it was called.  Brainchild of my father and 
	Chesley Philpott, who was kind of a staff host at the BCN for awhile.

PAUL:	What was the idea behind it ?

ISH:	Ches was the host, and this was before telephones were a 
	commonplace, still a bit of a curiosity, especially with our 
	baymen listeners.  And Ches would phone out, making strange 
	calls ... it was a comedy show.  Ran for about ten years, 
	from 1936 to the end of the war, listen ...

SFX:	ARCHIVE TAPE.  LIVE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER, THEN APPLAUSE, THEME UP

VOICE:	Big Lad, the beer with the big head, proudly presents ... 
	Telephoney, the show that goes long distance, for you !  
	And here is the host of Telephoney ... Chesssssss Philpott !

SFX:	APPLAUSE AGAIN

CHESLEY:	Thank you, Bert Pilgrim, and hello everybody, welcome 
	to Telephoney !

SFX:	APPLAUSE

	Telephoney, brought to you by Big Lad Brewery, brewers of 
	Big Lad.

	Let's get right down to the fun ... let's open the phone 
	book at "random" and make ... a phony phone call !

SFX:	LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

	Sssh, quiet now, I'm calling 249L, Mr. Patel Singh ... 
	at least I think it's mister ...

SFX:	LAUGHTER.  PHONE DIALING AND RINGING

	Sssh,  I don't want him to hear.

PATEL:	Hello.

CHESLEY:	Mr. Patel Singh ?

PATEL:	Mrs. Patel Singh, yes ?

CHESLEY:	Good.  Mrs. Singh, this is the Newfoundland 
	Customs and Excise Department.

PATEL:	Yes, how can I be of service ?

CHESLEY:	How many people are in your family, ma'am ?

PATEL:	Four, including my husband and myself.  Who is 
	this, please ?

CHESLEY:	A routine check of our records indicates that 
	your visa and passport are no longer in good standing, 
	Mrs. Singh.

PATEL:	What is that ?

CHESLEY:	And you and your family must leave the country.

PATEL:	That cannot be the truth !

CHESLEY:	You have forty-eight hours in which to pack up 
	and leave Newfoundland.

PATEL:	With whom am I speaking, please ?

CHESLEY:	My name is Mr. .... X, yes, you can call me Mr. X.

PATEL:	What ?  There must be some mistake !  I have been 
	living here for three years now, no trouble ...

CHESLEY:	I'm sorry, ma'am, those are the rules.  You have 
	two days to clear up your affairs and quit this island.

PATEL:	Oh, no, this cannot be ... what am I to do ?  There 
	is nothing ... please to be waiting one moment ... is 
	this Ches Philpott ?

SFX:	LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

	It is, I know that voice ... and this must be Telephoney.  
	(LAUGHS)  Ah, Ches, you almost had me there!

SFX:	TAPE OFF

PAUL:	Gee, Ish, that seems pretty ...

ISH:	What, what ?

PAUL:	It's not what you'd call, politically correct, I guess.

ISH:	You heard missus, she enjoyed it !  It was just good 
	clean fun.  Everybody loved Ches Philpott, sure.

	But it wasn't just a humourous show, Paul, it sometimes had 
	a political undertone.  Here ...

SFX:	ARCHIVE TAPE, PHONE RINGING

DIETER:	(REAL GERMAN ACCENT)  Hello ?

CHESLEY:	(FAKE GERMAN ACCENT)  Hello, do I have a Fraulein ... 
	Dieter von Klemperer ?

DIETER:	Ja, who is this, please ?

CHESLEY:	Sieg heil, Dieter !

DIETER:	Hello ... hello ?

CHESLEY:	Vee are calling all zee vay from zee old country 
	... sieg heil !

DIETER:	Who is this ?

CHESLEY:	Is that all you got to say to your old pal, 
	Marty Borman ?

DIETER:	Marty !  Can that be you?  How was Argentina?

SFX:	LAUGHTER.  TAPE OFF

ISH:	(LAUGHING)  "All zee vay from zee old country."  
	That's so funny.

PAUL:	Ish, that sounds awful.

ISH:	Ah, go on boy, nobody took it seriously.  If you 
	had a funny name, sure, you were an open target in those days.

PAUL:	Isn't there anything on this tape that doesn't 
	demean people, make fools of them or their nationality ?

ISH:	Namby-pamby.

	Yes, right at the end.

SFX:	TAPE ON ARCHIVE AGAIN

CHESLEY:	Thanks to Siobhan O'Flaihertai, Dieter von Klemperer 
	and Suzette Cervelle de L'Oiseau for being such grand sports.  
	They'll be receiving a gift pack of Big Lad brews - Big Lad, 
	the beer with the big head.  Join us again next week when we'll 
	phone every taxi stand in town and send them all to the same 
	address.  What do you call that ?

AUDIENCE:	Telephoney !

CHESLEY:	With me, Chesley Philpott.

SFX:	TAPE OFF

ISH:	There, you see ?  Good, clean fun.

PAUL:	I still have reservations.

ISH:	The only reservation I had about it was doing the show 
	before a live audience.  Always mystified me.   I don't know 
	what people expected to see on a radio show.  Thankfully, 
	it's gone out of practice now.

PAUL:	People obviously loved it, Ish.

ISH:	Yes, and we have much more where that came from ...

SFX:	DRAWER CLOSES

	In the Vault.