PAUL:	It seems now there is no end to sport, like tomatoes 
	with no flavour something is always in season.  Joining 
	me to shed light on the local side of the global conspiracy 
	is Tracy Babstock, host of BCN's sports magazine, "Jock n' Jill".  
	Trace!

SFX:	PUNCHING HIM IN THE ARM

TRACY:	Paulster!

PAUL:	Ow!  That hurt.

TRACY:	You love it.

SFX:	(hits him again)

PAUL:	Ow!  Please …  I see you are wearing one of the massive 
	bowl shaped hats being sold by the promoters of the new St. 
	John's Municidrome.

TRACY:	Yep, it's a booster hat. Boosters of the new Stadium vow 
	not to take off the hats until the baby Leafs have a new home.

PAUL:	I should tell listeners that this town is home to the 
	Toronto Maple Leafs farm team.  

TRACY:	With the new stadium and some tax incentives, we should 
	be able to get a three or four year commitment from the Leafs 
	organization.

PAUL:	Tax incentives ?  I'm not sure I like the sound of that …

TRACY:	What's wrong ?

PAUL:	It's akin to putting public money into the stadium.

TRACY:	But Paul, there's already public money going into the 
	stadium, directly ... in the millions.

PAUL:	WHAT ?

TRACY:	Yeah, otherwise they wouldn't keep the team here.

PAUL:	But these guys are a profit making private organization.

TRACY:	So ?

PAUL:	Why am I subsidizing the plaything of some Toronto gazilionaires ?

TRACY:	This is hockey, Paul.  

PAUL:	No offense, but I've seen this team play, and they look 
	like a bunch of minor leaguers.

TRACY:	They are minor leaguers.

PAUL:	Right, so they are.  And … wait a second … I'M A HABS FAN!

TRACY:	Well, your taxes say you're a Leafs fan.  GO LEAFS!  
	You want a booster hat?

PAUL:	No.  (pause)  Is this really sport anymore, Tracy, or is 
	it just big business?  I pine for the essence of the thing, 
	a group of local lads or gals rallying, taking it to the 
	representative squad of a deeply despised neighbouring community. 

TRACY:	In lieu of midnight raids for rape and pillage.

PAUL:	Ya.  But I guess those days are gone.  Is there anything 
I can really get behind, to sublimate my rage?

TRACY:	The Titanium man competion?

PAUL:	Oooh, that's more like it. 

TRACY:	It's being held next weekend, and a boy from the BCN 
	mailroom is a serious contender.

PAUL:	Who?

TRACY:	Orv Gommel.

PAUL:	Oh yeah!  Orv Gommel, mountain of a man, very, very 
	serious problems with aggression, he … well this isn't funny … 
	but he sexually assaulted Budge Doyle's Chevy Blazer last year.

TRACY:	He's a sure bet to finish first in the tacks, but he's 
	weak in the bleach swim.

PAUL:	Perhaps we should take listeners through all the stages 
	of the Titanium Man competition.

TRACY:	Okay.  It works essentially like those iron man games, 
	only more challenging.  Competitors start off with a thirty 
	mile run ...

PAUL:	... Barefoot ...

TRACY:	... and they are buck naked throughout.  After the run, 
	they carry a refrigerator through a burning building; then 
	swim fifty laps in a pool of bleach; get out, eat four pounds of 
	thumb tacks; run another three miles to a soccer pitch where 
	they go at each other with sledge hammers.

PAUL:	And there is no silver or bronze.

TRACY:	One winner only, takes home a mug, three hundred dollars 
	and all the fried chicken they can eat in a year.

PAUL:	Not insubstantial.  Last year's champ, Knuckles Gibbon, 
	consumed $67,000 worth of chicken.

TRACY:	Which killed him.

PAUL:	Tragic, but there you have it.  So, besides Orv, who are 
	the favourites this year?

TRACY:	I'm picking Derm Meaney, he's got the mass and the 
	quickness.  But you can't count out Wilf Earles ...

PAUL:	Beans Earles ?

TRACY:	The one.  Beans is good, and Beef O'Keefe is making a 
	comeback from the bleach gut he got last year.  We've got a 
	full feature on this year's Titanium Men later today on Jock 'n Jill. 

PAUL:	5 o'clock, right here on the BCN.  I'll be listening.  
Tracy Babstock, thanks for this.

SFX:	PUNCH ON ARM

PAUL:	OUCH !

TRACY:	Sure you don't want one of these hats ?