SFX:	Eerie gusty wind across the 
	moor.  Large dog howls.  
	Footsteps over wet gravel.

PAUL:	History in Nfld ... it’s a 
	melange of fact, fancy and big 
	fat lies.  In the fact 
	category, noted archeologist 
	Dr. Ulrich Harker has made an 
	important discovery.  I join 
	Dr. Harker at the excavations 
	on the Spongy Downs, a site  
	near the former French 
	settlement of Bain du Sang 
	here on the Southern Shore, 
	about an hour from St. John’s.  
	This is an exciting find, Dr. 
	Harker.

ULRICH:	Yes it is.  While records 
	showed us that the French 
	settled this area, the dig is 
	proving that this site long 
	predates their arrival.
	
PAUL:	Outside of losing a few wars 
	and eating fatty foods, just 
	what were the French doing 
	here anyway ?
	
ULRICH:	They seem to have been digging 
	themselves. 

PAUL:	Do you mean self-pleasuring or 
	mining?

ULRICH:	Mining would be unlikely.  All 
	we can say is that the 
	activity appears to have 
	stopped abruptly in the 1760s.

PAUL:	When the entire settlement 
	inexplicably walked into the 
	ocean.  

	Now Dr. Harker you’ve rigged 
	me up with a little hand 
	shovel, a spade, and some 
	brushes.  And you have ... a 
	fierce looking sort of pick-
	axe implement ... presumably 
	we are going to engage in a 
	little archeology.
	
ULRICH:	(trance-like) He is the one 
	master.

PAUL:	Sorry?

ULRICH:	(normal and cheery)Dig in.

cross fade to digging, 
physical exertion, spade hits 
stone and rings.

PAUL:	Eiiiiyyyyee.  Stupid rock.

ULRICH:	You’ve found it!

PAUL:	Goddamn it, that went right 
	through me.

ULRICH:	Out of my way, you idiot.

PAUL:	Oh !  What have we found here?

ULRICH:	It’s some kind of Dolman.

PAUL:	There’s some writing “Ogay ...

ULRICH:	That’s recent, it was 
	obviously defaced by the Irish 
	Monks ...

PAUL:	Where?  Where?

ULRICH:	No, years ago.  

PAUL:	That’s a relief.

ULRICH:	Here!  It’s a map!  It 
	indicates a buried chamber, no 
	doubt containing the great 
	vault of ... Ahhhh .... we’ll 
	split up, you dig ... here.  
	I’ll focus on the chamber.
	
PAUL:	Ooooh ... what fun.

cross dissolve to ...

SFX:	PAUL walks up to pit 
	containing Dr. Harker.

PAUL:	Dr. Harker?  Dr. Harker?

ULRICH:	I’m in hereeeee.

PAUL:	I see you’ve located the 
	entrance to the chamber.

ULRICH:	Yes.  Have you had any luck 
	over in the bog?

PAUL:	Nothing looking at all French. 
	I’ve got a ... monkey’s paw, 

THROWS IT AWAY

	half of an amulet, 

THROWS IT AWAY

	an old mug, 

THROWS IT AWAY

	some coins but they’re spanish 
	I think, 

PUTS THEM IN HIS POCKET

	oh wait, here’s the other half 
	of the amulet.

ULRICH:	On no account put them 
	together.

PAUL:	Whatever you say, Doc.  Need 
	any help down there ?

ULRICH:	I’m sure I’ll be fine.

PAUL:	Hey, it’s no problem.

ULRICH:	I wouldn’t want to hold you 
	up.

PAUL:	Well, where we came in your 
	car and all ...

ULRICH:	Right. (pause)  Ok.  Come on 
	down.

CROSS FADE AS PAUL DESCENDS 
INTO THE SACRED CHAMBER

PAUL:	Oomph, uhh, tight squeeze down 
	here ...

SFX:	CRUNCH

	Oh, sorry, doc.

ULRICH:	That’s okay, I’m fine.

	Here, you see ?  It’s the 
	door!

GRUNTS TO OPEN IT

PAUL:	Careful, Dr. Harker, you’re 
	gonna ruin yourself.

ULRICH:	I can’t get it open.

PAUL:	That’s because this statue is 
	in the way ... here ...

ULRICH:	No !  Don’t move that !

PAUL:	It’s no problem.

SFX:	HEAVY METAL GATE OPENS, WATER 
FLOODS IN

PAUL & ULRICH:	Ah !  Ah !  Ah !

ULRICH:	Out of my way, you fool !

SFX:	SPLASHING AND SWIMMING AND 
SHOUTING, WHEN SUDDENLY THE 
TAPE RECORDER CUTS OUT

PAUL:	(BLOWING INTO MIC)  Woof woof.  
	Hey !  It works again. That 
	Krupps technology ...  My tape 
	recorder is alright, Dr. 
	Harker !  

ULRICH:	(CRYING IN BG) Oh ohh ohself 
	(go fuck yourself).

PAUL:	The pumps don’t seem to be 
	doing any good there 
	Dr.Harker.
	
ULRICH:	That’s because the chamber is 
	being flooded with sea water.

PAUL:	Hey, now that’s pretty 
	ingenious.  I must say... 
	quite an experience, thank’s 
	for this  .... Dr. Harker? 
	
SFX:	Car door closes, car starts up.

PAUL:	Hey Dr. Harker, wait .... I need a 
	lift.

SFX:	Hound howls.

Page 8 of 8	THE SPONGY DOWNS - SHOW 5