News Haiku

News haiku by Gerry Porter, 2014-2015


News haiku #1:
Lyubov Orlova
The cannibal rats are here,
Want a cup of tea


News haiku #2
Premier Tom Marshall:
What the hell is that about?


News haiku #3
Veterans Affairs’
Julian Fantino: you
Really shit the bed


News haiku #4
Mister Bill Barry
Want to be premier on a
Go forward basis


News haiku #5
Probably not wise
To call them half retarded
Bayman management


News haiku #6
Forget Skywalker,
For Kirby and Mitchelmore
Have joined the Dark Side


News haiku #7
A spoiler alert:
At the Sochi Olympics,
Everyone loses


News haiku #8
So income splitting
Only benefits the rich?
“Do it!” says Harper.


News haiku #9
Armoured vehicles:
A ten billion dollar deal
With theocrat thugs


News haiku #10
Thanks be to Jesus.
I’ve had it up to here with
Fucking Olympics


News haiku #11
Oh look it’s Rob Ford,
A laughingstock on Kimmel.
World class, Toronto.


News haiku #12
Strombo taking on
Hockey Night in Canada.
Fuck! Still Don Cherry.


News haiku #13
Tax havens offshore;
The one-percent get richer.
Tory times, my friend.


News haiku #14
Police respond to
Report of two bleeding males.
Welcome to skeet town.


News haiku #15
There’s Jim Flaherty,
Finished serving his country.
Not much left to break.


News haiku #16
There’s an unfunded
Pension liability
Waiting to eat you


News haiku #17
Will the poets love
The Toronto Maple Leafs’
Epic collapses?


News haiku #18
Snow, at times heavy;
Ice pellets in the morning.
At least there’s liquor.


News haiku #19
Appears the PQ
Completely shit the bed with


News haiku #20
Virginia Waters
Progressive Conservatives
Looking pretty grim


News haiku #21
Nalcor’s estimates
Of Muskrat Falls’ potential
Sadly redacted.


News haiku #22
Premier Frank Coleman.
Newfoundland and Labrador:
Sale today on gaffes!


News haiku #23
Here comes Stockwell Day.
Don’t forget that he believes
Folks lived with dinos.


News haiku #24
Bloated and putrid,
Might explode any day now.
The PC Party.


Special Rob Ford Haiku Joke
An alcoholic,
Crack head and chronic liar,
Walk into a bar.


News haiku #25
Look upon your works,
Globe editorial board.
Harper’s among them.


News haiku #26
Coach Randy Carlyle;
The Toronto Maple Leafs.
Made for each other.


News haiku #27
Behold Tim Hudak.
Dumb as a bag of hammers;
Keeps saying daft things.


News haiku #28
Canada, alas:
Big country, friendly people.
Now it’s [REDACTED]


News haiku #29
Poor Ontario.
Craven politicians are
Turning it to shit.


News haiku #30
Brian Mulroney?
This is just ridiculous:
Quebecor chairman.


News haiku #31
Wynne, Hudak, Horwath.
Fuck, what a crowd of losers.
Ontario? Doomed.


News haiku #32
Mister Frank Coleman,
Didn’t last long enough to
Become a footnote.


News haiku #33
Jesus fucking Christ.
How much more of this Rob Ford
Shit must we endure?


News haiku #34
Now we come to this:
Israel and Palestine.
Debate goes to die.


News haiku #35
“Mine tailings water
Close to drinking quality.”
Stupid thing to say.


News haiku #36
What will I do now?
Folk Festival is rained out.
Need murder ballad.


News haiku #37
Will Tim Horton’s have
A Double-double Flame-broiled
Whopper coffee now?


News haiku #38
Steve Kent, Paul Davis,
John Ottenheimer also.
Going back to bed.


News haiku #39
Premier Paul Davis:
Barely in office a week.
Big old clusterfuck.


News haiku #40
Jian Gomeshi
This haiku started poorly
And didn’t end well


News haiku #41
Governor Poloz
Thinks youth should work for nothing
Try it sometime, ass


News Haiku #42
The Prime Minister
Plays and sings Sweet Child O’ Mine.
Christ please kill me now.


News Haiku #43
Two thousand fourteen
Murder, mayhem and madness
Good fucking riddance.


News Haiku #44
Poor Amanda Lang
Bankers are misunderstood!
Leave them alone, fuck!


News Haiku #45
Light freezing drizzle
Freezing fog and what the fuck
Does that even mean?


News Haiku #46
Tory Eve Adams:
Take away shame and you have
Liberal Eve Adams


News Haiku #47
Salmon Festival
Has-been acts; nothing to drink
Sea of hairy backs


News Haiku #48
MP Scott Andrews
A word of warning before
Shit gets jovial


News Haiku #49
Quinnipiac House:
Victorian heritage?
Prefer McMansion.


News Haiku #50
Future Shop specials:
Unwanted warranties and
Overpriced headphones


News Haiku #51
Our brave boys didn’t
Die so we’d have to endure
Ice cold camembert


News Haiku #52
The Ol’ Duff really is
The gift that keeps on giving
If you like train wrecks


News Haiku #53
Federal budget:
With enough bald-faced lies you
Can balance that shit.


News Haiku #54
Fear not, Newfoundland!
Have not will be once again
After Budget Day.


News Haiku #55
You say you don’t like
Our Middle East Policy?
That’s a hate crime, dude!


News Haiku #56
The latest polls say
It could be a three way tie.
Canada: you’re drunk.


News Haiku #57
Never have so few
Robbed so much from so many.
Canada’s Senate.


News Haiku #58
Thanks to the Supreme
Court of Canada we can
Now eat hash brownies


News Haiku #59
Ches Crosbie wanted
To stand for office but got
An Avalon maul


News Haiku #60
Mister Donald Trump
In a sane world he’d not be
Found fit to stand trial


News Haiku #61
Nigel Wright: The Duff
Is so vital he needs a
Bodyguard of lies


News Haiku #62
Stephen Harper and
The premise of the question
Reject each other


News Haiku #63
Some rough beast indeed
Slouches towards Ottawa
On election day.


News Haiku #64
Sick to fucking death
Of dog whistle politics
Vote that fucker out


News Haiku #65
Veiled citizens bad.
Thinly veiled racism, though;
That’s perfectly fine.


News Haiku #66
Poor Ryan Cleary
The fighting Newfoundlander
For whom will he fight?


News Haiku #67
America, huh?
Guns, lies and superstition?
Think I will swipe left.


News Haiku #68
There is no haiku
Suitable to the task of
Donald fucking Trump


News Haiku #69
Has a day gone by
Without our city council
Being a disgrace?


News Haiku #70
If you want me, b’ys
I’ll be solving the fiscal
crisis at the payday loans


Bonus: News Limericks

News Limerick #2
A Newfoundland rotting whale carcass
Has become a media starcass
The fame it is said
Went right to his head
And now it’s all gone way to farcass

News Limerick #3
A senator named Michael Duffy
Is looking bedraggled and scruffy
Will charge him, you see
With being corrupt and quite puffy.

News Limerick #4
A Globe and Mail writer named Wente
Has right wing opinions aplenty
Rape culture, the poor
And so many more
All for the rich one-percenty

News Limerick #5
A government expert on rock snot
Was muzzled, bamboozled and whatnot
By meddling pols
Who can’t find their holes
With flashlight, a mirror, they find naught

News Limerick #6
A radio host named Gomeshi
Got into a bit of a mess, see?
The rumors, if true
Are salacious and blue,
Pertaining to things dark and fleshy

News Limerick #7
The benchmark of North Sea Brent Crude
Is displaying a poor attitude
It’s dropping so fast
The Tories can’t last
Their awakening just might be rude.

News Limerick #8
The Newfoundland House of Assembly
Is starting to look pale and trembley
The Premier, it’s said
Has fixed in his head
To cut it by twenty percembley

News Limerick #9
Steve Harper he got to work early
And found Nigel Wright grim and surly
“We’ll have to placate
Before it’s too late,
“We don’t want the Duff to get squirrely.”

News Limerick #10
The premier-in-waiting Dwight Ball
Will fix all our ills big and small
With magical thinking
And nodding and winking
What did you expect after all?

News Limerick #11
A Labrador tunnel I’ve no doubt
Will create a perfectly good route
For Newfs of all kinds
To make up their minds
And conclude they must get the fuck out